[baseline]

Today I let my guard down! Something I rarely do because of past experiences. I am always fearful of being hurt physically or emotionally. I am leary of new relationships or if someone is overtly friendly! I fear that they only want something or will use me. It is a horrible way to live! I am ashamed. All my life my parents would warn me of people or experiences. My husband warns me of chatting and being too friendly. When something bad happens i blame myself because I did not heed their warnings. Recently, I let go and opened up. I let my vulnerable side show and I began to feel safe only to be triggered by someone who said they cared about me and then pushed me away! I want to curl up and hide. What is it about me that makes me a target!! Is kindness mistaken for stupidity? I'm afraid again and
very sad, I can't stand that the warnings were real. I wanted to prove them wrong. How do I cope with these feeling of worthlessness and shame? hOW DO i know who to let in and who to keep out? Why do I even need to make those decisions/choices. I want to be accepted and cared for. I don't judge and I can be loving, but I don't feel that I deserve it in return! How many times can I forgive? I'm sorry I just needed someplace to put this. Thank goodness for anonymity , but it hurts so much I needed to put it out of my head! Thank you for giving me a place to store this.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Well, you have to use your judgement, and sometimes you will not make the best call. It is no big deal and I am unclear why you should feel so very bad about this. Put it down to experience and move on.

[tradika]

Loving and caring is like a knight taking off armor. You become vulnerable to the emotional wounds that people can inflict. However, I do not agree with your husband. By opening up then you are actually showing strength to me. To shut down completely may make you safe, but it will not allow you to live. To feel pain is a normal and expected part of life. We, as humans, are not guaranteed a life free of suffering.

What you need to focus on is not shutting these experiences out of your life, but rather going through them and learning from them. Learn to see it with wisdom, and not to internalize it. If you must cut that person of then do so, do not allow yourself to be abused. Also, do not put expectations on others because they will always fail you. Do not expect them not to hurt you. However, you do need to expect of yourself that if you do get hurt, then it isn't necessarily a self flaw. It certainly isn't caused by you opening up!

[avlady]

being able to open up to others is a good thing and alot of people can't even do it. you are lucky to be able to do it, but you do have to be careful to who you are talking to because not everyone is trustable. you first have to test the waters about a person by asking the right questions etc.. if you see or hear any red flags going up, try to stay away, there are alot of good people out there that need you, but there are also bad people too. getting hurt is a risk we all have to take in getting to know each other and making friends. it doesn't hurt as much if you've been hurt if you do have someone to talk about your pain to. pick up the pieces and start over, you gave of yourself and hopefully they learned from you. you did leave your mark on them. you are a kind hearted soul, you may have to go through many heartaches before you find out your true friends, but it is worth it in the end.

[connect.the.stars]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/copin...erability.html

((base)) It is ok to feel vulnerable. I'm linking you to a video with a Ted Talk about vulnerability. It's kind of long (20 min), so below are the quotes I would pay close attention to.

"The other thing that they [the whole-hearted] had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental."

"This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive.""

I know it's not easy. But I know you can do it!

[baseline]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

http://forums.psychcentral.com/copin...erability.html

((base)) It is ok to feel vulnerable. I'm linking you to a video with a Ted Talk about vulnerability. It's kind of long (20 min), so below are the quotes I would pay close attention to.

"The other thing that they [the whole-hearted] had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental."

"This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive.""

I know it's not easy. But I know you can do it!

Stars Thank you so much! The video was inspirational. Vulnerability and Shame two topics that define how I feel.Thank you for this post and for your help !

[baseline]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Well, you have to use your judgement, and sometimes you will not make the best call. It is no big deal and I am unclear why you should feel so very bad about this. Put it down to experience and move on.

Thanks for the reality check MOCS! I wasn't sure why I felt so very bad about this. I was just triggered by their behavior toward me. In one breathe I was loved and the next dismissed! I felt rage and sadness. I guess it was the old abandonment and rejection fear. I will move on I just needed to vent. Thanks for your honesty!

[baseline]

Originally Posted by tradika

Loving and caring is like a knight taking off armor. You become vulnerable to the emotional wounds that people can inflict. However, I do not agree with your husband. By opening up then you are actually showing strength to me. To shut down completely may make you safe, but it will not allow you to live. To feel pain is a normal and expected part of life. We, as humans, are not guaranteed a life free of suffering.

What you need to focus on is not shutting these experiences out of your life, but rather going through them and learning from them. Learn to see it with wisdom, and not to internalize it. If you must cut that person of then do so, do not allow yourself to be abused. Also, do not put expectations on others because they will always fail you. Do not expect them not to hurt you. However, you do need to expect of yourself that if you do get hurt, then it isn't necessarily a self flaw. It certainly isn't caused by you opening up!

Dearest Trad, Thanks for reminding me that nothing ventured is nothing gained!I agree we are never guaranteed anything in life. You are very wise to remind me that hiding and closing myself off to others is not living! I let someone else's pain and anger make me feel inadequate. i THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPENNESS AND FRIENDSHIP!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( baseline ))))))))

[baseline]

Originally Posted by avlady

being able to open up to others is a good thing and alot of people can't even do it. you are lucky to be able to do it, but you do have to be careful to who you are talking to because not everyone is trustable. you first have to test the waters about a person by asking the right questions etc.. if you see or hear any red flags going up, try to stay away, there are alot of good people out there that need you, but there are also bad people too. getting hurt is a risk we all have to take in getting to know each other and making friends. it doesn't hurt as much if you've been hurt if you do have someone to talk about your pain to. pick up the pieces and start over, you gave of yourself and hopefully they learned from you. you did leave your mark on them. you are a kind hearted soul, you may have to go through many heartaches before you find out your true friends, but it is worth it in the end.

Avalady, Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I was so hurt when I wrote this. I blamed myself for being weak! But as stars pointed out being vulnerable is not weakness! I will practice that mantra!

[waggiedog]

Hi there ''baseline''. Well done to you that you wrote your true feelings down for us to see on PC. As you've seen, a problem shared is a problem halved!! But, sometimes we just need to pass it by somebody else, whats upset us I mean. Some of us just are kinda soft by nature, and because of that we are more open to others reactions. Never mind, try to do what someone else suggested, dust yourself off and carry on through it all. Take care now and hope to see you around PC sometime. HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[baseline]

Originally Posted by waggiedog

Hi there ''baseline''. Well done to you that you wrote your true feelings down for us to see on PC. As you've seen, a problem shared is a problem halved!! But, sometimes we just need to pass it by somebody else, whats upset us I mean. Some of us just are kinda soft by nature, and because of that we are more open to others reactions. Never mind, try to do what someone else suggested, dust yourself off and carry on through it all. Take care now and hope to see you around PC sometime. HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thanks so much waggiedog! I really like your QUOTE!