Ugh, mommy issues.

It might be on purpose, but I've been gradually paying less attention to school stuff (I should actually be doing an English essay right now); apathy, for lack of a better word. But what really worries me is not that my marks will drop-- or probably not, I'm sure to pick up the slack in a week or two-- but that my mom will be reasonably upset.

It's really annoying when she gets upset. I don't enjoy hearing her speak, and I believe wholeheartedly that if I strangled she were to burn in hell shut up for a really long time I could finally concentrate on things. There's also the way she [seems to] stare me down sometimes, but that's not something I can ask her to control.

In fact, I've asked her a couple of times to not pressure me into everything if she can't help me with jacksh!t, albeit with nicer wording; she claimed to understand a couple of the times I confronted her about it, but she's never followed through with it 100%, probably because I worded my thoughts awkwardly.

It's very obvious she cares about me, and she probably knows deep down that I'm hurting, but she still doesn't do jacksh!t and it's really frustrating. I can't bring myself to ask her anything specific, otherwise she might think I'm being weird or something. It's happened more times than I want to remember:

>When I told her that the club I was visiting was a QSA and not some mix of club/media studies that I made up, she started getting on my case and started the classic "lack of understanding of LGBT+'s" routine. I won't get into her bigotry... actually, it's more like she genuinely doesn't know what being gay and etc. even constitutes. I then proceeded to claim it was actually a gardening club, then a QSA, then a knitting club, just to confuse the f@ck out of her so she would stop talking.

>I've told her about my gender issues (which I'm pretty f@cking solid about) a total of two times. The first time she reacted with a mix of confusion and anger, and she also sorta' scoffed at the idea of sex reassignment surgery, but I'm insanely sure she didn't mean to hurt me; methinks she believes that her worldview is a good basis to understand a teenager in 2015, but I like to entertain the thought that growing up in South Asia's pretty different.

It also turns up I've picked up a weird tendency of blaming my mom for most of my inner struggles, because one part of me thinks "It makes sense if you think about it." and the other says "You just don't want to admit it's all your fault." When the latter part dominates I'll probably have suicidal thoughts, but it's not a guarantee. Phew.

Additional info, I've visited a therapist twice, the second being a 30min follow-up at least a year after the first. Said therapist recommended something more family-oriented after I asked, but neither my mom or I have the willpower to call; she mentioned something about finding time for it, and in my head I feel like she fears being ostracized by other people if they find out her kid's in therapy.

So yeah. I feel like some stuff could be sorted into other subforums, but I'm really just glad I could rant fluently. But still, I feel pretty f@cked right now. And I also need to start my English thing that's due tomorrow.

you comment that you stated your thoughts awkwardly to your mom but that she did attempt to listen but not follow thru 100 percent. maybe using an I statement would communicate your feelings better. they are a way of talking your thoughts in a nonjudgmental way. writng them out first is sometimes helpful. you dont want mom to feel attacked, that way she will be more likely to meet your needs. they follow a general format.
I feel.......express a feeling
when......state the situation that is concerning you.....do not say "when you" because this makes others feel targeted.
because..........how the issue impacts you
what i would like is........state your needs

i feel frustrated
when people talk to me when i am trying to complete my homework
because it makes it really hard for me to concentrate
what i would like is for conversations to wait until i have my work completed.

so if she gets upset and says you are attacking her for talking to you, you are able to say that you said people, as in all people, not just her. that you need uninterrupted time to get your homework done. can she understand and allow you that time?