[k207]

Alright, so I already made a thread about this in another board while it was going on. You can read the details and why/how I eneded it here (trigger warning): http://forums.psychcentral.com/partn...eeds-help.html

My recent posts in that thread (bottom of page 6) describe how I'm feeling now. I think it's gotten slightly better over the last 2 days. Can anyone here relate to this, or offer advice, support, or reassurance?

[kaliope]

you did the right thing. it is difficult when you attempt to help people and they keep turning toward you with their problems and you have no control over the outcomes. i was working with a young girl for quite some time being very gentle in my proddings to get her to tell her parents, her school counselor, someone about her depression. i couldnt be the only one she talked to. so she finally got brave enough to tell her parents and say she needed help...........and she got in trouble. they grounded her and took away all her electronics for cutting. this was not the outcome i was hoping for. now, she is unable to talk to even me anymore. we dont have much power over what happens in this medium. we never know what we are going to run into. we have to be very careful. distract yourself with other things. she will most likely be fine. she sounds pretty manipulative. take care.

[k207]

I'm sorry to hear that kaliope. Did you only know her online too? You're right about her being manipulative, but I wonder if that was just her being desperate for support.

Hindsight, as they say, is 20 / 20 & one can always look back on interactions they've had with others & perceive different ways the situation might have been approached or gain new insights as to what was possibly going on. What's done is done. I would suggest trying to leave it in the past. Consider it a learning experience & let it go.

The alternative, if you find you cannot let it go, is to process it with your therapist if you see one (or get one if you don't.) Some, if not many, therapists have their own therapists they see because they also run into these sorts of problems periodically. And they also need someone to talk things through with.

[k207]

Thanks The Skeezyks. I've learned to be much more careful with online friendships and friendships with minors. Do you think there's anything else to learn?

Originally Posted by k207

Thanks The Skeezyks. I've learned to be much more careful with online friendships and friendships with minors. Do you think there's anything else to learn?

Well, K207, assuming that you're not planning to turn this into a career, I would say the main lesson here is to be on guard, so to speak, for potential pitfalls like this that may present themselves in the future. And recall that, in the beginning, you weren't aware this person was going to turn out to be so young, so needy & so manipulative. You may not be able to recognize this in the next one who comes along either (if there is a next one... & there may well be because you're probably the type of person who wants to help.)

So, if you plan to continue to try to be a life-raft on the on-line sea, so to say, you're going to have to learn to look for signs that the situation may be potentially troublesome. Personally I feel that on-line relationships must be, by nature, so necessarily limited that it's best just to not allow any on-line relationship to develop to any significant degree (unless a deeper relationship is what one is seeking such as in an on-line dating service or some such thing.)

For lack of a better phrase to use, I'd say the "hit-&-run" method is the way to go. I know there is a strong allure to the notion of saving some struggling young person, on-line or IRL for that matter. However, my experience has been that it is fraught with potential dangers &, more often than not, is best avoided. I think one of the insights you can gain, from re-reading all of the posts that were written regarding this thread, is that once you were into it, there was never a point at which you could have bowed out gracefully. It was always going to come to a "messy" conclusion, which it did. So it's best not to allow yourself to get into this kind of ongoing relationship to begin with. My best wishes to you, K207...

[k207]

Thanks again for the advice. I don't actually go around looking to help people online like this, but when this girl started openning up about her issues to me I tried to be helpful and do the right thing. That was a bad idea in hindsight.

You don't have to go looking... they'll find YOU!

[Lostdeepinspace]

I thank you for this post as there is always someone out there that maybe you should be cautious with.
I have only been here for about a month now, and have had tons of people come to me looking for advice (didnt really know I knew how to give advice as I came here looking aswell) But it turns out some people may find comfort in talking to you and if you say one wrong thing to upset them or if they get clingy.. it could turn into a bad situation. I think everyone needs to be cautious about how others feel when on the forum. Sometimes we try to help not knowing the full situation. Keep your minds open but at the same time keep your guards up. I think the point here is to try to make friends ... not enemies
In this case, maybe you could just tell her you are sorry and that you are running out of options and ideas on how to help. Maybe you can tell her that it hurts you to hear her talk like that and if she wants to continue to be friends.. she needs to take care of herself and get help. If she doenst respond to that then maybe you must let her know that you can longer help her, and just leave it at that. Its a tough world out there and we cant help them all. All we can do is be there for people that want help. Those who do not want help... there is nothing you can do until they admit they need it.

[k207]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

You don't have to go looking... they'll find YOU!

Good point. So I got to be careful.

Lostdeepinspace, I already broke off contact with her. You can read about how it went down in the thread I linked to. You're absolutely right about being cautious though.

About ten years ago I met a girl a few years older than me in a support group. We quickly became friends and planned on being roommates. She had a heartbreaking childhood & problems I couldn't comprehend because of it. I probably started the friendship off wrong by trying to make myself completely available to her and maybe by being too open minded/optimistic. I naively thought just because I was willing to give her help, it would help her.

Even though she had a therapist, medications and other means of support she continued to make decisions that hurt her in scary ways. I spent a lot of energy worrying & trying to help her only to end up emotionally exhausted and resentful....and then feeling ashamed and depressed for being resentful. She became alarmingly dependent on me. She constantly gauged my feelings towards her by asking "are you mad at me?'.

At one point she shared something that made me uncomfortable and was just too much information.... I took it as my out & broke off contact.

I still feel bad about the way I dropped out of her life. I think I handled it in a juvenile or cowardly way. I had been with her at the hospital when her baby was born and even babysat for her for a while....and then I just drop out of her life with no explanation. It probably had to be confusing.

[k207]

I get where you're coming from GreenMoss. We were both naive and made ourselves too available. It's very stressful dealing with someone's severe mental issues full time, especially when they insist you be the only person that knows about their issues (as was my case). It's important to worry about yourself first and not push yourself past your limits. Your friendship sounds like it wasn't helpful to either of you.

[k207]

So, here's an update. She just contacted me again from a new account by pretending to be someone else who was looking for someone with the same name as me. Then she revealed herself by telling me everything has been well for her, and got annoyed that I stopped answering. I blocked her just to be safe.

You did the right thing, I just hope you'll still make friends online in a more...careful way. I can relate to what youve said in your posts though

[k207]

Thanks. I feel stupid for the way I handled it (before finally breaking it off), I should have known better. I don't try to make friends online very often but will be much more careful in the future.

[michaelgregoryii]

It is difficult maintaining a relationship with someone dealing with depression. It happened a few months ago, but there was a woman I became close with. But I eventually became sort of "smothered" by her words and emotions.

Every conversation we had was always about her and I became frustrated because I wanted to tell her about my problems too. So one day I decided to just end it because I simply got tired of one-sided conversations. At first I felt really guilty because she would constantly call me and send me message on why I wasn't talking to her anymore. But I eventually got over it.

k207, don't feel stupid. You live and learn. Nothing stupid about that.

[connect.the.stars]

((hugs)) I went and read your previous thread. I'm sorry to hear this has been affecting you so much.

I've been in a couple situations where people have stopped contacting me online (the flip side). Honestly speaking, you learn to deal with it. She will be fine. Sure she says she is angry. But you did what was best for you. And if she were a true friend of yours, she would want what is also good for you, not just what is good for herself.

A lot of what she said to you sounded like emotional guilt tripping. While that's not to say she didn't need someone there for her, those methods of trying to get you to stay and be her cure/escape sounded dangerously likely to develop into a codependent relationship. She needed to be searching for other more healthy forms of coping.

Try not to blame yourself too much for it. You did the best you could.

If you feel you need someone to talk to about this, feel free to PM me.

[avlady]

yes, don't feel bad you did what you had too. i hate it too when i'm talking to someone and am completely invalidated in what i am saying. she just wants to talk about herself. you need someone who will listen to you.

[k207]

Thanks everyone. I've been feeling better for the past 2 months but not completely over it. She actually did insist a few times that I discuss my issues with her, but that was hard for me to do considering she's only 14 and going through much worse problems.