[lillyalicia]

Ok so I know this is my first post, I've been participating on different forums for a few years and have been going to Therapy for nearly 2 years.
I've been too apprehensive to post, for obvious reasons.

I was abused as a child by a Narcissistic Mother, and an drug addicted absent father. This all came to light around 2 years ago when I started reading books upon Narcissism and Psychopathy, loving oneself etc.

I have many dissociation patterns, I have many Borderline Personality aspects, many narcissistic traits etc.. I have a complete fear of abandonment, I have black and white thoughts, completely irrational and self destructive thoughts, I'm extremely emotionally responsive (when I used to be totally numb before all these realizations). I experience anxiety when in highly emotional situations and, frankly they're getting worse because I'm trying to fight all these thoughts and automatic reactions.

I'm far too emotional dependent on my partner, we've been together nearly two years, and I think I hold too much possessiveness and obsessiveness in the relationship rather than loving him for who he is. This is rarely shown, and doesn't cause massive issues - only issues within myself and my well being. I want to gain SOME independence back and to start loving myself, rather than only "loving" someone else - I project all my love onto him and don't feel it within myself most of the time. I'm a very needy, emotional person who creates ALL the arguments in our relationship because of MY insecurities and fear of abandonment. I never want to be invasive in someone else's life, I want to change and for these thoughts to stop being so destructive in my life and in turn, my partners. We live together and it's hard to get time alone because there's nowhere I can go.

How can I gain time "alone" when I can't go away 1) nowhere to go 2) job keeps me here 3) I have my parrot.... it just feels impossible with all these responsibilities, but it's hard to gain any independence when you're seeing your projected love everyday (my partner). He's a wonderful person, he obviously has his flaws, but he never causes arguments, he's really nice and understanding and doesn't invade my free will AT ALL. He's not possessive or anything, he's just there for me if I need him to be. Although, of course I feel as though my emotional needs aren't being met, but I shouldn't have any expectations or any "needs" from anyone else.

I'm sorry my first post is completely selfish etc, but I needed to vent this out somewhere where there are similar issues on here. I have been up and down emotionally recently and can't control my depressive hours/days.

[Keyslost]

Can't tell if you were asking for advice there. Just in case: Alone time can be as simple as a drive alone or walk alone in a park. You could also talk about time to "check out" where he respects space for a certain time of the day. And you can go on comp or whatever you need to de-stress. If nothing works couples counseling could be considered. Is this what you meant?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC), lillyalicia. Sorry you are going through difficult times. So glad you joined the Psych Central community. I have felt it is a safe and nurturing environment. Hope you feel comfortable here too.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[lillyalicia]

We both separately go to Counselling, as we have different issues. I'm not sure what I was asking for, maybe advice or maybe something. Thank you very much though

[PianogirlPlays]

It is so hard to love when your love tank feels empty. Sounds like as it is for me, agood time to take care of yourself.