Feeling guilty about being happy

I'm new to these forums.

My issue is not really with my fiance but it affects us, and I want to be able to fix it.
Here is a little background. I have a sister 10 years older than me. and about 6 years ago her husband left her and she was heartbroken, and depressed, even suicidal. I moved back in with her and her daughter and did everything I could to help, I actually forgot about myself. I had gone through some therapy at the time, and realized I wouldn't allow myself to be happy if people around me were unhappy. And I did my best to deal with that.
Fast track 4 years ago my sister remarried and I moved out. I also made a decision to leave my religion and it's strict lifestyle, which my sister and parents are still apart. Following the religion for them means that should cut off ties with me. It hurt and I felt guilty, but I was finally ready to live my own life. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man from the USA (I'm in Canada) and we are engaged, I will be moving there within the next few months.

My sister and parents started talking to me again and we have somewhat come back to normal. My sister is going through a separation with her current husband and once again is dealing with drama. She didn't even come to try on wedding dresses with my mother and niece. And it hurt my feelings. My problem is I can't let go of the guilt feeling of me being happy, and I've been lashing out at my fiance for no reason, I am more aggressive and very hard on myself. With the help of a close friend I was able to asses that she was my problem. Well not her because she won't change, but my reaction to her. It's not fair to myself or my fiance. Why can't I allow myself to be happy?

Just needed to vent and am hoping for some advice.
Thank you

It sounds to me like it could be more your ex-religion and your upbringing/parent's fault! We spend 20+ years being indoctrinated into our primary family and Life from that perspective and at some point we become teenagers so-to-speak and have to break away from our parents and start a life of our own. You started that process and it was easier at first because your sister and parents kept themselves aloof. There was sadness and grief but that could be managed but then you met someone and now you want to include everyone again and want everyone else to be happy and they refuse/don't have the same agenda you do. Your sister is just the obvious point where you can see that everyone cannot be happy and (in my view) instead of shrugging at her drama and leaving her to it, you are still trying to get help and approval for your happiness.

Leaving your family of origin and moving forward into your own life is a process (just like growing up the first 20+ years was) and will take time. You have made a good start moving into your own life but are still trying to keep the old one too. You are choosing to let your sister's unhappiness and her life influence yours.

Seemingly unrelated but what has helped me enormously is learning to tell the difference between "Love" and "Like". You love your sister and parents but probably do not like them! That made me feel guilty when my therapist brought it up to me. However she then asked me, "Who do you like?" and I instantly named my husband. She then asked, "Name 3 reasons you like him" and I, again, instantly answered, "He is warm, fun, and friendly". She then countered with, "Apply those 3 reasons to your stepmother. . ." Nope, did not like my stepmother or 2 of my 3 brothers :-) The people we "like" we choose to. They are our friends and we want to be around them. We do not choose who we love, we just love them. But we don't have to like who we love, even if we love who we like. Do you like your sister? Probably not. So, because you love her, feel bad that she has to feel bad but then feel relief that you don't have to choose to have her around you very often, bringing you down? Her problems are not yours!

Hi Perna,
The like and love thing is quite interesting and I had never seen it that way. We also have 3 brothers and I can say I like all of them. But I need to think more about this. It's a great point. I probably want to say I like all of them because I would feel guilty otherwise lol
As you mentioned it is a process to move into our own life and it makes it even harder that I have spent so long not doing so. I'm not a teenager anymore I'm 30. But I'm the middle child and life was just never about me, I don't blame my parents for this... there was just always some other kid, mostly my sister going through something and requiring attention. And I’ve never allowed myself to move forward. I've never been someone’s priority, and now with my fiance I have his full attention, he wants to do everything for me and I do love and like him a lot. And my main issue, I believe is I do not want to disappoint him, and I'm so hard on myself and that upsets him because he feels he can't say things without me getting upset. And he told me I’ve only been doing this recently, and the only thing I can think of is that she’s back in my life and having issues.

Moving away from family troubles is the best thing for you to do, and you will be much happier. Time to detach from family troubles, and you will feel much better.

Thunder Bow, that is true. I am going to spend 2 weeks with my fiance next week, I think it will do me some good to be with him and away from here, gain some perspective. Wondering if anyone has suggestions of books that may be helpful in dealing with issues like this?

Inlove84,

I can't come up with any book titles right now, but I wanted to tell you I sense from the things you say that you do not think as well of yourself as you should, or as highly as your fiancé thinks of you. You were there for your sister when she needed you, you were happy for her happiness, right? You gave her space when she needed it. You deserve that and more. Think about that. Sometimes in life we need to put ourselves first. Looks like this is your time to do that. I am a middle child too, I know the struggles. I wish the best for you, you deserve it.

Wow what you wrote really struck a chord with me. I actually came to realize while talking to a friend that I can see that I’m a good person I can see why people including my fiancé love me, and I’m proud of the person I am, however I don't believe it… if that makes any sense.

I’m in a great place in my life, I just lost 20 lbs and still working on more for the wedding, I’m pretty, I’m smart, loving, a good friend. But I just can’t let myself believe it. It’s strange and maybe I’m the only one that goes through this… it’s not really my self-esteem I feel it’s more me not wanting to accept that I am who I am.

That's so great you lost weight as planned. I'm working on losing my extra pounds, too. I have to say, it is so refreshing to read your positive words about yourself! I feel so bad for people, many who are on this site, who cannot see anything good in themselves. If you look, you can usually find some semblance of balance, because I believe that no person is either all good or all bad. I wish the best for you.