liking someone way more than they like you

hey there. first of all i'd like to apologize for any mistakes since english isn't my first language. i hope someone can help me with my problem

so here's the story:
i am a very lonely person. i don't really have friends, and making connections with people beyond the usual small talk is really hard for me, since i'm a super closed person. but i have this guy friend. we've been friends for the past 3 years and we're kind of close. but the problem is i think i'm sort of obsessed with him. i don't want to date him or anything, but i have this irrational thing going on in my head where i really wish i was his favorite friend, since he's my favorite one. i really care about him and make sure i do anything i can to help him in anything he needs, and i know he cares about me too, but not even close to the way i do about him. he's got lots of other friends he constantly hangs out with and i get super jealous, to the point of putting me in tears thinking he may like them more than he likes me, and eventually will forget about me. now i'm really confused and don't know what i should do, because this whole situation is making me feel miserable, and sometimes i think it would be better if i distanced myself from him for a while. but at the same time i think it would be even worst, because i have this need of talking to him constantly, and that's the only thing that makes me feel better.

what should i do? has anyone been through something like that or have some advice?

Hey missatomicbomb, the thing that jumps out from your post to me is this:

This has been an issue in my life too, and it's something I chose to work on. I can tell you first hand that the way you feel now does not have to be set in stone, the social muscles are like any others, they waste away if you don't exercise them but you can work on them and build them up.

It sounds from what you've written like you really admire this guy who has a good social life, do you think it's possible that this may be indicating you may want to have more of that kind of life yourself?

So this is me exactly!... well, actually it's gotten better so I guess that's the good news. It can be excruciating and the whole situation of caring to the point of almost being obsessed with someone has brought me a lot of pain in the past.

I don't have amazing or even very good advice but socializing or having more than one friend, hanging out with other people etc, makes it better. I know it's very difficult, especially if you're more quiet and keep to yourself (I'm the same way) but allowing yourself to open up, go to events etc. I think what happens is when you have more than one person to focus all your energy on, the feelings for any one person are not as intense or we don't feel as needy because our needs are fulfilled by multiple people not just one. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I know i'm not very helpful but wanted to let you know that I know exactly what it feels like.

I have AvPD - I totally understand this! It's fairly common for people with AvPD to be really insecure if they have friends with lots of other friends, or even friends with just a few other friends. You always feel like you're going to be bumped out of the circle.

I wish I had great advice for you. The only thing I can say is do stuff. Be interested in things, and you will be interesting to your friend. Talk to other people with your same interests, and perhaps you will find someone who can be another friend for you.

Also - you might not be his "favorite friend" but you are a good friend. That's pretty special! He wants to be with you, so focus on that if you can.

sometimes i think so, yes. he's loved by everyone and well, i'm not, and that definitely makes me feel bad, because i don't have a group of friends like he does. but most of times i'm not even worried about others, since i'm so focused on him and making sure he doesn't lose interest in me, if that makes sense.

i am so glad i'm not alone in this! really, because i was feeling like an alien or something. and i do think this is really good advice! and it really does make sense. i find it really hard to connect to people to the point of feeling like i can trust them enough to open up and stuff, he's the only exception. and i think you're absolutely right when you talk about focusing all your energy on one person, it becomes too intense, and i really feel too needy around him, probably because he's the only one i feel like i can count on. my main goal right now is to make more friends, even thought it's so hard.

that's really good to know! i've read a lot about AvPD and the online tests suggest i may have it, even though i've never seen a doctor about it or anything. but it's good to know i'm not alone.

also - that's just what i needed to hear! you made me think about it and it really is pretty special that he likes me and wants to be with me. i really should focus on that and forget about everything else that makes me go crazy. it really is my insecurity ruining everything. thank you

You're most definitely not alone. I thought I was completely weird as well. I've been going to therapy for a few months and was terrified to even bring this up during one of my sessions... thankfully I did and the therapist didn't make me feel like I'm nuts, it actually really helped. There are reasons why we try so hard to connect with this one person, mine have to do with not connecting with my own family, among other things.

Anyway, hope it gets better for you !

i'm so glad i found you omg. i even considered going to therapy because of this, among other problems, but i thought i would be too ashamed to talk about it. but i'm glad you did and that it helped! i'm sure there are reasons behind this kind of behavior, and i think it probably has to do with loneliness and isolation. we don't connect with a lot of people, so when we find someone we can talk to and open up and be ourselves we end up focusing everything on them and the feeling becomes too intense and overwhelming. at least that's what i think happened in my case. my relationship with my family is not the best either, so yeah i think we have some things in common
thank you so much!