I don't want to need someone..

When I go to writing I go blank...anyways, the last couple of nights I have resorted to alcohol to numb me. I LOVE to feel numb, to not have any emotion, or to not be consumed with thoughts, or even to be brutally honest. I also harm myself, hit, choke sometimes burn myself..I like the pain and I feel so much better after. It's impulse anger that I get and that's how I release it. Now, I don't really have any friends, but the ones I try and associate with..I hate them! They can't even give me the time of day, they use me, probably talk behind my back. So I say **** them, and I wish the worst upon them. I hope that they go through hell and come running to me for help so I can just avoid them like they do me. However that's not the case I act completely fine and do whatever it is that we decide just because I can't be alone. I don't know if I go through a daily struggle, or if it's all in my head, but I can't be alone. Same thing goes with my counselor..I hate her because I don't want to need her. It's all pity I think..I'm buying her to act as if she cares. She sees several people a day, all week. She can't care. I don't want to feel she's my friend either because I can't be dependent. I really want to die...I really just want to lock myself in a room and stay there, no background noise. I want to be alone and I want to be able to cope..I don't want to feel like I need someone.

I couldn't agree more with wishing that I didn't need people. I don't trust anybody but myself because I've been hurt and betrayed by far too many people in my life. I often wish I could be an emotionless robot or mutant that is completely incapable of emotion and didn't need anybody and is immune to loneliness even if it means that I couldn't love anymore; being without love is a small price to pay to not have to deal with people to get our needs met I think.

Even the worst psychopathic serial killers need people to love and accept them which sucks.

Just hang in there man. You're not alone in this way of thinking. PM me if you wish to talk

I couldn't agree more. Thank you for your time and input. Same goes for you!