[janiedough]

Just trying to figure out an emotion that I can't quite understand. I wrote a detailed journal entry soon after experiencing this one, so it may help provide some insight if anyone knows what the emotion being described is. I am marking the pasted journal entry as a trigger just in case.

Possible trigger:

...trying to understand this feeling/emotion better. started out with just slight irritability after eating lunch. only got 4 hours of sleep last night because I couldn't sleep and had to work in the morning. irritability started when there was this pounding noise. It was coming from a basketball that my cousin was bouncing in the house. I went downstairs and requested that he stop bouncing the ball. His mom was there so he stopped. I went back upstairs to try to relax. Then my other cousin started banging the wind chimes outside my window. I asked her to stop. She did, but I felt too much pressure already build up. I started to sing loudly to release it. eventually it felt a little better and I lied down on my bed to rest. As I lay resting, I tried to visualize all of the built up pressure inside me as energy. I tried to focus on moving that energy to the parts of my body that ached such as my neck, hands, wrists, calves, feet, and lower back and sides. It was working well and I was able to drift to a half sleep state. Though, the pounding noise came back. I tried to ignore it and go back to resting, but I couldn't and felt my irritation building up again. I tried yelling for the bouncing to stop. no response. I go downstairs to ask my cousin to stop. His mom is no longer there, just grandma instead. She said to let him bounce the ball even though I explained to her that it was causing me a lot of pain. She did not understand and told my cousin to keep doing what he wants. I went upstairs and closed the door to my room because I felt the pressure rise inside of me. I felt like explosion was close. I could not control the emotion anymore as it managed its way out of me. I started to wail. I screamed into my pillow at least 20 times. I wailed. I tried to rest. The pounding noise kept occurring. I could not take the feeling of that noise. It caused me pain. It hurt. It made me feel like something was stabbing my insides, my neck felt a sting of pain and heat each time. It hurt so much. I had to wail at the top of my lungs to sound out the pounding of the bouncing basketball. I could not stand the pain. I kept going. I tried to manage and ignore the sound. Every time, I couldn't. I started crying because of the pain. I couldn't help it. I felt that I had no control. At that time, I believe that I started to dissociate with my crying self that was hugging a body pillow and rocking back and forth. I thought, "Why is my body doing this. What is this emotion from? Is this fear. No. Not quite. Is this anger. No. Is this irritation. No. What is it. What emotion is this? My body feels sensitive. It feels as if there is a sensory overload, and all excess sounds are being perceived as pain. Why? How do I manage this? I wonder if there is a way to redirect this feeling. There has to be something. Who is this person that is crying? Why is my body crying and feeling the way it is? What happened to cause this? Is there a missing memory causing this? Why can't I just do what I want to do right now? I want to change moods. I want to be in my active alert mood. I want to control my mood. I wonder if this emotion is necessary for some reason. I wonder if it is something I have been suppressing and has just built up. I wonder if I could just flip the switch and take over with my alert mood. I feel like I should let my body cry. I think it needs this. Something is wrong, and this is how my body is coping. I want to know why. I wonder why. I wonder what is the cause. I want to know why my body must feel this way and what causes this mode. My period must be starting soon. This usually happens right before." ...

Any suggestions on what this emotion is? And possible causes? This has been perplexing me for the past year. Thanks for the help.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

frustration?

[Thunder Bow]

Your cousin is playing as nasty game of Kick Me with you. He wants you to get angry at him. He want your attention. The more angry you get, the happier he will be. He feels he has good control over you. Best to know that you are being controlled. How much do you want him to control you? Time to stand your ground with him. Time for you to take control of this situation. You will then feel much better.

[janiedough]

Not the cousins fault. He just wanted to keep busy and probably didn't even think that the sound of the ball could be heard through the walls just like my grandma. The problem would have happened regardless. I was only concerned of the emotion that usually happens once every month. Maybe I should have left out the trigger. It wasn't his fault, and he wasn't doing anything to try and get someone angry at him. If I would have showed him that I was angry, he most likely would have stopped, but that would have gone against my grandma's wishes. I know my cousin well enough to know that he wasn't doing that.