[readytomoveon]

I dated my first love for 3 years. He was my best friend and I was his. We were high school sweethearts, and completely in love. We broke up exactly one year ago because since we were so young, he wanted to go out and experience the world (meaning drinking, partying, and having sex with multiple people). He ended up rebounding with his boss, who isn't like me at all. I don't want to degrade her, but she isn't like me let's just say. Anyways, I was shattered. So depressed so that I tried to kill myself. It wasn't directly because of that, but it added fuel to the fire.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder. I have been getting proper treatment and on medications. I really started to get my life together. Then my ex slowly started to come back into my life. We weren't "exclusively" on and off but we were on and off. This went on for months. Henkept saying he didn't want to be with me or anyone right now, how badly he just wanted to be friends, and then in the hopes that someday we will have a future together. Every time I walked out because of something selfish and hurtful he did, within 2 weeks he would freak out and blow up my phone.

The very last time we went through this (which is about 1 month ago) I finally got him to understand that we cannot be friends. That we are too in love with each other to even begin trying to have a friendship. That we need to move on for now. He finally began to listen, and we went our separate ways. No contact or anything. We agreed that when the time was right, and when we were ready, that was would go and contact each other once more. We didn't put a time limit on it (he kept saying 5 years for some reason, but I'm assuming because I'll be graduating college). We left like that. He ended up contacting he two days ago apologizing and saying he is trying to restrain himself from contacting me but he had to. He went on with explaining he made the biggest mistake of his life by letting me go, that he ended up going out and doing stupid things in order to forget about me. How I was the most beautiful, funniest, and smartest girl he has ever known. How he has some news that will change his life forever and possibly our future. How he still loves me so much and how he can't take back what has done. Then, he proceeded to tell me that his boss told him she was pregnant. He said he's making her get a DNA test (she's not exactly respectful to her own body) and that he's going to act like it is for now so the baby won't feel like it was doubted. How he was so depressed and disappointed but he was going to pretend like he was happy. He wouldn't stop apologizing. I had called him and flipped out at first. I was so upset. But then we calmed down and agreed to meet up and say goodbye. He had texted me throughout the night, even telling me how stunning I've become (I gained a lot of weight when we got together, and then after we broke up, I dedicated myself to the gym). He wouldn't stop complimenting how beautiful I was. I told him later that night that I didn't think we should meet up only because I was still in shock and I didn't want to say what I didn't mean.

Yesterday morning, I woke up immediately crying my eyes out. I was so depressed. I had texted him and asked if we could meet today instead and that I wanted to see him and talk to him. A couple hours later he responded saying that he didn't think we should meet up at all now. While I was waiting for his response, I started thinking the same thing and began writing to him a text message just to say goodbye. Before I sent it he did a complete and total 360, saying that he's excited about this baby and that if we meet up in the future so be it, but if not I need to quit dwelling on the past (after he's the one that contacted me). Then he said he was deleting all my family's numbers and off of Facebook. And to have a good life.

I decided to send him my message explaining to him that 1) he was the one that contacts me, and 2) I was going to tell him what I wanted to say in person. I apologized for even contacting him back and that I know his mind is probably all over the place and he's confused. I apologized for degrading his boss and telling him to still pick me because I was completely out of character and I am shocked I even said the things I said. I told him that I did all that because I was finally moving on and was so happy without him and then he just brought back all that anger. I told him that I would NEVER get in the way between him and his boss and I wish happiness for him, her, and the baby. I told him I was blocking his number, and that I don't plan on seeing him down the road and then goodbye.

I have been a complete and total wreck since then. I know grieving is natural but it hurts so bad. I feel like I want to die. I feel like I never will see him again. He said that if it wasn't his, he was getting out of her life immediately. Which shows what he really thinks of her, but if it is his he wants to be there 100% and I couldn't agree more. It just hurts so bad.

After what he said yesterday, it was a slap in the face. I'm not sure if he said that because he realized it was too much and he just had to get me out because it was just going to cause more pain. I don't think the love letter that he had sent me was fake, I think it was genuine. But then why say what he said yesterday?

How can I move past this? How can I move on? Someone please help me

1. Take some time for yourself. I understand that you are upset. Know that you are not alone in the pain of a break up. People have painful break ups all the time. I have had them myself. I would not contact him. He sounds confused, and maybe like he wants to one up in the break up. Maybe you do too. That is also completely normal. It is hard to move on. I know. Keep posting here if you need. Spend time with other people in your life, people who have a positive impact and build you up. Listen to break up songs and brood. You will get through this. <3 StarrySky

[readytomoveon]

It has been one heck of a roller coaster. Thank you so much for your response. I was doing very well moving on until he sent me that love/regret text, then admitted he got his rebound girl pregnant. That was hard enough, but then when he became distant the next day it was a bigger slap in the face. To be honest, I haven't cried too much within the past 2 days, but I keep taking my anxiety meds and also, I'm drinking some... I am not that kind of person. I had thought to myself "it is funny that this is how he tried to get over me, and it didn't work, so why do I think it will work?" But it does take away the pain for a short while. That's why I need to gain some good coping skills. I guess I am just so tired from the grieving because of this roller coaster ride, you know? It is just hard on me.

That is so understandable. Also, don't be hard on yourself. This is something that happened recently, and you are in the right to grieve. Just remember to take care of yourself.

[readytomoveon]

Thank you for your kindness. I can think a lot more logically when I am calm. I know I need to cry and I know I need to grieve. But I have been crying and grieving for exactly 1 year. I'm so tired of it but I know for a fact I have to. But the problem is, when I do go into a grieving phase, I become suidcidal and I don't want to feel this way. I haven't acted on it yet, but I don't want to do it one night. You know?