[Aviza]

I'm overall sad with how my whole life has ended up. I'll never be the parent, wife, or employee I wanted to be. Sure technically I'm capable of more kids, but history has shown I suck. I'm not fighter my kids needed me to be, and didn't have the support I needed, thus they didn't get what they needed from me.

My daughters dad has a great supportive family. That's why she's doing better with him, even though the guardian ad litem said I was more attentive. During our marriage he quit his job, and worked inconsistently. He had his parents paying our mortgage, and now he's married to a bread winner, they are all happy.

I really can't take all this pain, and solitude I have. Plus all the hatred, and anger people in my family have towards me. In addition to the dissassociation from others. As a kid even teachers were cruel to me. It just never ends. My hope fountain is running dry. I always was hopeful but it's just not there now.

Aviza, i am sorry you have gone through so much in your life. Yes, it is hard to live alone. I am going through a messy divorce. I can say this, there is a new dawn at each day we wake up. It isn't about what others think of us or treat us, it is how we think of ourselves and treat ourselves. I urge you to go to a doctor and get some medicines. That will help you have a better quality of life. Have a social worker help you come up with goals how to adjust to being single and coping with it. Do you have ideas what you want to do? A career or new job? Perhaps a social group that you can interact with? A peer support group if they have one? Ask your therapist these things. Don't give up on life now that you have come so far. You were a wife and an mother. You have a child that you can be proud of that you brought into this world. It is not so wrong to take time out for yourself now, because you deserve it. Be kind to yourself, read the other threads on the forum. There is crafts, etc. ones to belong to. I hope you meet many like minded people in here who can help you out. Blessings and welcome to PC.