[sue177]

Can someone advise me? My next door neighbour had a small operation three weeks ago and I have been going in most days and helping her by getting some shopping, taking her dogs out etc, which I am glad to do. Anyway, although she is a very good hearted person, she does tend to take over and I feel overwhelmed by her when this happens. I mentioned to her that I was going to a friend's church on Christmas Day for a dinner for people on their own (I have no family and neither does my friend) and my neighbour immediately said she would come too. I really didn't, if I am honest, want her to come. She has family locally, though the relationships are very up and down-her son, her mum and an uncle. I have ended up cancelling going to the church out of guilt, but now want just to be left alone to get through Christmas Day without my neighbour but she has started saying in a martyred manner she might go away alone for a break at Christmas with her dogs or how she wants to go to a Christmas meal with a local charity with the underlying pressure on me to go with her. She is really holding out for an invitation from her son on Christmas Day and has said that, if we were to put our names down for a charity Christmas dinner, she would back out if her son suddenly invited her. (His situation is complicated and I don't want to go into it here). I feel guilty because I have had many Christmases alone but I don't want to take on responsibility for my neighbour's Christmas Day. This could happen every Christmas. Last Christmas she was to go abroad and I was to feed her pets but she backed out in early December. Then she said she would pick me up from my friend's house (it would have been the first time for my friend and I not to be alone on C Day since our folks died) and at 8pm on Christmas Eve she phoned to say that her son had changed his plans and she wouldn't be able to pick me up the next day after all but would sort out and pay for a taxi for me. However, it was all too much at the last minute and I ended up staying at home. When I mentioned about the church to her, I thought that she would think I was sorted out and she needn't give me a thought. I didn't expect her to leap in and want to come.
I feel so guilty and also so angry and resentful and don't want to meet her on C Day at all. I just want space from her on that day. Am I being awful?

[marmaduke]

No you are not being awful. I think you are too nice.
No need to feel guilty, she should not have invited herself anyway.

[avlady]

again as in another post i agree with marmaduke!!

[iwonderaboutstuff]

No, you're not being awful. I'm thinking it's tricky because you told her the name of the church? So she could just show up since it's open to whoever? You clearly told her you and a friend of yours had made plans for Christmas. Just say that... you've made plans with someone else. You don't need to explain what those plans are. If she presses for details, just say I'm leaving that up to my friend, they just told me when to be at their house. And if you decide to stay home, you don't have to tell her that or answer your phone or door!