I miss him so much.

I'm crying very hard and I'm scared now, I suffer a lot with h hallucinations and hurting all the time. Right now with recent possible old and new relationship s forming. I'm having the worst panic attack of losing people for hours now can't sleep and all that's in my head how I wish I was dead and be with my friend josh again who passed away a few months ago. I've been crying so hard . I miss my old friends who were there for me. He didn't have to due this way and omg I miss him so much.

My heart aches I can't handle losing more people. I struggle living because I can't take all this grieving at once. I can't it feels very cruel. I feel completely torn in two and like before I've not been able to let the pain go. I just want to die so badly because I miss them so much. I miss what I had so badly. I miss it. I don't want anything in the world but have my friends and my old life back.

I am having a hard time breathing and harder time a sleeping. I want my mom now. I just want this hell of my life to end. I just miss my real feeling of family and togetherness and I am so sick of everything that was thriwn on me. I miss my sister who left and abandoned my family treating me poorly and always felt like an only child. I miss my grandma, who died of Alzheimer's. I miss my unborn daughter who I'd fight every one to get her back. I miss when I would wake up and see the calm yard I had and the towering trees engulf around me. I miss the size of the world when I was small. I miss the innocence and half of my childhood stolen from me. I miss my times when my family got together and it was laughter and not bickering. I miss my grandparents who don't care to talk to anyone. I miss my aunt my cousins who I will never see again. I can't tell you what it's like when you have no family anymore and the remaining belonging you had is gone or unrecognizable and all you are is alone and people punish you for suffering.

I never wanted to grow up I wanted my old life or be dead. I said that so many times my whole life.
There is a need I've fought my whole life for and it's all I've ever wanted in life over everything. If I don't get it and it ends up getting worse. I'm still prepared for the worst.

My dear, we all miss what was, and we can never get it back. The memories are to make us strong, of the good times and the wisdom told and shared to us. The choices we make are based on what we do with those memories, we can torment ourselves of the past being gone or we can carry it into the future with us. How? By lovingly living the love we were given and carrying it forward to help others. Yes, i miss my brother, i miss my Dad. My mom is ill with dementia, dying. But i lovingly remember her the way she was not the way she is. And that helps me with the journey of life. Holidays trigger so much grief for people (((hugs))). I feel for you... keep posting, you are not alone. tc

I'm sorry for your suffering. I wish I could go back in time as well.

It sounds like your having a terrible anxiety attack. I hope it has passed by now but if not you have my sympathy. Losing people in your life is hard. I lost my best friend this year and both of my parents are gone. I only have my daughter and husband left but it is still an empty existence compared to the past.

I hope you find a reason to keep going. There can be better days once you get through the grief.

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