[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I feel like I make too many threads on here, but I suppose I need to feel heard. Though, regarding this topic, I'm worried I'm going to cause some huge problems, so I'll keep it brief.

I'm as neurotypical as they come. Completely normal, no disorders. And every time I look at descriptions of high-functioning autism, I see godlike beings infinitely superior to me. Worse, when I see those "neurotypical disorder" parody articles, I can tick almost every single box for the traits, which are inferior in every way, with no redemption. I could give specific examples, but it would take too long. Even a non-angry parody, like this one, is just a litany of inferiority, failure, and inherent worthlessness. Everything about me is just disgusting; take this for example.

It is nearly impossible to convince an NT to change an opinion through logical arguments, even if they originally used logic to arrive at their conclusion. Instead, a change of belief is a gradual journey of absorbing information through mostly impersonal, non-threatening media.

This is an exact description of how I change beliefs. And it's wrong and inferior by comparison. From an attempt at introspection, the difficulty comes from having the logical answer contradicting personal values or other understanding. But that's not the point. The point is it's wrong. And this is to say nothing of the actual, neurologically-based differences. I find myself so deeply ashamed of the way I exist after reading such an analysis of my inherent failures, even more ashamed for finding human drama and feeling so fascinating. I've been rereading a favorite book, for example, that I love because I relate so well the the envious, glory-seeking, troubled protagonist. With full self-awareness of how illogical and despicable such people are, I can barely look at it. I'm ashamed of anything I have that comes close to an identity, because it's all so wrong.

Yes, I want to be strange or disordered. I'll take anything. Anything for significance, for worth, for hope of a future. Anything to have something inside and stop being so empty, or at least have something to make up for it. The trope is that people see different as inferior; I see difference as usually being superior. And there's nothing meaningfully, beneficially different about me, that makes me inferior too. It's killing me. If I dwell on it for too long, I cease to see the point of living. The only respite comes from completely ignoring it and focusing on fictional things. At least those can't hurt me.