[nervous puppy]

I don't know if it's real or imagined.
I go to this class on mindfulness meditation on Sat. mornings. There are usually about 20 or so people there. The room tends to be full. You can sit on the floor on a mat or in one of the chairs around the walls in the room. I have bad knees so I sit in one of the chairs. Other people sit in the chairs as well, but they have a tendency to avoid me.
I shower daily, and I put on clean clothes so I don't think I smell. I just must have a giant sign over my head that says "AVOID AVOID AVOID". Someone will sit next to me, if it's the last choice they have.
There are one or two regulars who will smile and say "hi" to me and be congenial. The teach is very nice to me and always says hello and gives me a hug. No one has ever been mean to me there or actually done anything "against" me.
However, on days, like yesterday, when no one talked to me or sat near me, I just wanted to run out of there and cry. I still want to cry and never go back. I'm trying to not think that way, but I feel like I totally don't belong and should try to belong. I feel like a total loser for even trying to be there. I feel like an idiot for taking up space.
I don't understand what the trigger is, where it comes from, or how to control it.
It makes me want to just go crawl back under the rock that I come out from under and stay there, because I never should have left.

[IrisBloom]

It could be most people are thinking about what they are there for. I bet if you were with the same group of people at a party you would have more interaction.

I believe people put out vibes. Some people are receptive to them and some are not. Maybe you have a "leave me alone" vibe going on? Try to think more positively and genuinely feel a part of the group and that might cause others to interact with you more. Have you tried to be the one to smile and say HI first?

P.S. I know what it is like to feel isolated in a group. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not. At times you have to be the one to reach out.

[XWarriorPrincess5]

Hello I have had this same problem for most of my life. I'm very timid and shy in new situations, especially where I don't know anyone. I also feel like I don't fit in and don't belong. And then I over analyze everything, like "oh she just looked at me and scowled. She hates me. What could I have done to make her hate me?? *Runs through list of every possible negative thing about myself in head*" Then I end up feeling defensive and judged, when in reality, the person was just spacing out in my direction, thinking about how she really doesn't want to go to work tonight.

My feelings of alienation come from an emotionally abusive childhood, where I never felt like I belonged, and always felt I was being looked down upon, and doing the wrong thing. As I've learned more and more about myself, I came to realize I definitely put off a "Don't talk to me" vibe, and didn't try to initiate conversation with anyone, so naturally no one talked to me, thus making me feel more alienated.

When I realized this, I started making more of an effort to interact with people. (Don't get me wrong, I still take forever to warm up to someone new, but I do try to not look as sullen and disinterested). You don't have to suddenly become the most outgoing person in world. When you're leaving, make a comment to someone about something that happened in the class. When you arrive, smile at the people who are already there. I'm sure you don't smell, and if you're not outwardly rude or inappropriate, people have no reason to dislike you. It's all in your head Once you start to interact with people, they're much more likely to interact with you as well. It's uncomfortable at first, but when you try and it works, it gives you confidence.

Sorry this turned into kind of a long rant, it just reminds me so much of me! Don't stop going to the group because of the other people. Think of it as "me time", relax, and enjoy your meditation!

[green0cake]

You didn't go there for the people. You went there to meditate. In the first place, I don't think you're doing your meditation well as you're thinking of those instances happened to you. Focus on your sessions. You will just end up frustrated if you still mind other people's behavior towards you even if it's true or not.

[Thunder Bow]

If you feel uncomfortable there, do not go. You might have a to strong of a personality, for that kind of class. Just go with your gut level feelings about that class.

[nervous puppy]

Thanks everyone for your input/insights. I just don't know. I do try to smile and say hello. I try to be aware of my facial expression so that I don't have that "resting ****** face" thing going on.

Someone did sit next to me last time so I smiled and said hello. Asked if she had been to other classes because I had not seen her before. I really tried to be welcoming. She got up and moved. Real or imagined, it just reinforces my feelings.

Maybe I try too hard and it's too fake or forced?

I'm frustrated and hurt.

I guess I realize that I'm not going for any of them. I'm supposed to be going for me. I do want to learn to more about meditating and learn how to experience the benefits.

There are very few groups that meet in my area. This is the only one I've found.

I was, however, hoping to maybe meet a new friend or two. So much for getting my hopes up.