[ralph2448]

TL : DR version

So i am a usual gaming guy who spends a lot of time on his computer, outside life and future is pretty good and on schedule. Dont really have many friends even though i am quite nice and social and chat with others during work/class hours, not really their issue but i simply dont feel like i care about them or have a bond with them. Even if someone likes me if i dont like him or have any common interests with them then there is nothing, just someone to kill time during work/class hours. I ve even tried to get together with a guy once, he liked me and we had a few common interests but there was simply no emotion or bond between us to work, so clearly trying to find people to be friends with isnt gonna work, maybe i have huge *** standards i dont know.

But i ve been playing an online game with a really nice and helpful guy the past 2 months, he is really friendly, nice and helpful and he likes playing together with me and being friends. He is a really nice and friendly guy so he obviously has many people that like him as well and love to play with him too. So the issue is that i get clingy as ****, he is the only person i really care about and probably because of that i always end up being clingy.
I obviously dont show it, but i feel really bad and sad at retarded things like sometimes not saying goodnight or forgetting to play with me and being busy with his own stuff which is obviously normal, he isnt my ****ing mom to care for me 24/7 and obsess over what i think. But that doesnt stop me from feeling bad myself.

So, what am i supposed to do really?

I am sorry for the huge wall of text i am about to write, honestly i cant fathom how i can explain the situation without being as analytical as possible and presenting all the important facts :\

So i have a serious issue with being clingy to the tiny number of people i happen to care for in my life.

So life's been going pretty good, i have a good future with a good company after i am done with my academy, i dont feel like i have any major issues(literally got 28 score at that sanity quiz) and my life's been pretty stable. I spend a lot of time playing games and on the internet, pretty much all day when i am not out and i honestly dont have an issue with it, i like my life that way. Sadly i still live with my parents which is pretty annoying due to not being completely independent but moving out is on the plan after i graduate and go work full time, and also probably move out to some other country cause greece is pretty **** to be honest. So aside from that and maybe the lack of a boyfriend life is good but kinda average.

Now i am not one to really care or have feelings for most people, i dont hate them or anything, i just dont feel any bond or anything for them even though some could consider me a friend. Mostly in my academy/work where i am pretty friendly and we chat or discuss stuff with classmates/colleagues or have fun. But once i am home they pretty much dont exist since we dont have many common interests.

So to be honest, i dont have any person i could call real friend that i could care about. And that is fine since even though i would like to have one if they dont care or i dont care then we cant really be called friends now, can we? And i find it pretty hard to simply care for others i meet so i avoid adding others to friends lists etc unless i explicitly have a purpose for that.

So after a huge wall of text i will finally talk about the issue. So like 3 months ago i started playing a big online game, usually i play those for a month and get bored and move on only to come back later and repeat this pattern all over again. So i played that game for like 1-2 months and got bored since i didnt really play it with someone, but i did chat in a site about the game with some other friendly people, specifically some who also enjoyed the same race as me. So i ended up leaving from the game due to boredom but still checked that site, and a guy i ve been talking to suggested i could come play with him in the US servers and that he missed me posting in that site, and i didnt have anything other to do so i decided to go play with him since a game played with friends is a lot more fun and that helps me stay on a game for months if not years without getting bored or leaving.

Now that guy was extremely friendly and caring, he was playing the game for years and i was pretty new so he helped a lot and showed me a ton of cool stuff i didnt know about.
The guy is clearly a very friendly person with everyone, like really nice and helpful with all and has a shitton of good friends and friends and sadly for me i really like playing with him, i feel like i actually care for him deeply and he is my friend even though i feel like he obviously doesnt care as much as me as i do for him since he has a shitton of friends and probably some better ones.

And like usual, because i feel i have done this before, i get incredibly clingy, i mean like the textbook curiosity about his day to day life, what he thinks of the stuff i say and why he doesnt reply as fast etc, literally textbook clinginess. I dont let that influence my behaviour much so i wont look clingy, but when he forgets me, goes to sleep without saying bye or not playing with me much and other dumb stuff like that i feel really really bad.

I mean, it is pretty damn normal for him to not want to play all the time with me, guy is very skilled and definitely wants to play some high skilled matches with other skilled players. We occasionally level and pvp together for fun, but sometimes i just feel like he forgets me, like playing with others without saying much about it(and why should he really, plus he is rly popular, many like to play with him) or saying we can do some stuff together later but seems to forget about it and i end up just going to sleep because i ve been waiting for nothing. In short, his behaviour is 99% justified, he isnt my ****ing ***** to play with me all day and care about me, he is just a friendly guy that enjoys playing with me occasionally and has his own stuff to do as well.
What sucks is that doesnt stop me from feeling bad or forgotten and horrible :\

I feel like because i dont have anyone that i really have a bond with or care for when i find a friendly guy and likes me my bond with him becomes instantly huge due to the lack of having many friends like most people.

So i ve been researching for causes of clinginess, i found 3 but only one kinda applies:
Lack of social life. It would make sense, i am not really that social as in i dont hunt down public events to go to, but in my usual duties in academy or work i am pretty nice, friendly and social. We make jokes with people, chat and discuss course or work related matters etc, i dont have any fear or issue with that.
But when i am back home they simply disappear since we really dont have any common interest and major stuff that require us to be close. And i dont mind that since honestly, i dont care much or feel anything for them to consider the lack of friends a problem. So i am not sure if this is the cause.

Self esteem issues. Definitely not my issue since i am incredibly narcissistic, though i dont show it much and behave pretty well since i believe everyone should be mindful of their own feelings and behaviours so they will not cause negative effects on others around them since that could lead to a cycle of people treating others bad etc.(That does not include people who can get buttmad because they show a gay guy publicly for example, clearly their issue)

Past traumas. You would think the often absence of my father because he is a seaman would be the cause, but honestly, i am not that emotionally connected or care about him much either to feel that this could be the root of the issue. There was another experience i remembered though, when i was young like 6-12 i grew up with a very close neighborhood friend, we did a lot of stuff together and i did consider him a friend, but i remember that slowly as years went buy i kept considering him a friend but he was starting to be closer to his school friends instead of me(we were in different schools), as in i would go to his house or him and many times he would just leave me to go to his more important friends apparently. That seems to be similar to what i am feeling now. And a slightly more newer example would be me going to work on a ship as an apprentice officer, find a couple of guys i like to chat with and be friends with but not as emotionally attached as the guy i am currently friends with. That could be a reason because even though i started thinking we could be closer they kinda forgot about me when we got separated since this work is 4months on ship and 4 months off and then to a new ship with probably new people. So we just ended up separating really and forgetting about one another unless we would work in the same ship, clearly just colleagues i have a chat with and not friends etc.

So i dont really have any solutions. I mean i could just leave to avoid the pain but then i would return back to being alone as usual which wouldnt be bad, after some time i would keep enjoying life but i would always miss to have someone to care for so i really dont want to just leave like that.

[Thunder Bow]

You seem to be investing much energy into feeling bad about yourself. Counseling may help you untangle it it all.

[Shaly78]

At least you can admit that you are that instead of just being that with the possibility of making someone else feel obligated, question your agenda, or just an overall person that doesn't care......Not that they are owed that in this context, but I agree with other poster you are beating yourself up over something a T might can help you understand better..

[ralph2448]

Well technically i feel bad by default when that stuff happens, I dont intend to lie to myself or hide from reality so i was mostly investing energy into analyzing it to see what is the source of the issue and what i can do about it really :\

And i really dont like the idea of therapists, talking about such stuff face to face feels really scary, especially when you are supposed to tell your deepest secrets and feelings while you know nothing about that man and i am just to proud to do something like that.

[Thunder Bow]

You need to be a proud warrior and take that risk. I think your are strong enough to heal.

[Shaly78]

Ralph2448, I think that is a misconception about being in T unless, you have one of those disorders that require you to get to clues to get to other clues so that the pieces of your life make sense, my personal experience....I would say don't think of it that way...Yes, you can although, you don't need my permission continue to share secrets here online, no one is going to comment in person or threaten you with their words of disapproval or what not.