[ladyrevan21]

Bit of a reference to The Stand. Basically, I had a bad fight with my dad over a really trivial thing, certain...things were said (including him sort of threatening to give away my dog just because I said I'd take him out later) and it didn't exactly help that I wasn't feeling my best. I ended up locking myself in the basement to get away from everybody, which...long story short, my dog and I got locked outside the house until Mom and a neighbor decided to help me out. I guess I just feel stupid, like I should have dealt with this better, could have kept control, etc. I guess it doesn't help that my family and I...it's been like a minefield nowadays. (I think they blame me for it, actually)

I'm calming down a bit now, but I guess I'm just so tired of all this. Maybe things between my family and I will improve when I get a job and move out or something, but I just feel stupid for not handling my anger better.

Yes, you need help. I hope you can find a place in the meantime to go to for peace of mind, for exercise for you and the dog. You sound like you are anxious to get out and do more. In the meantime being home, be outside more with the dog and only go back when you need to. You can walk the dog while job looking or getting out. I hope this helps, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Tell your parents you are sorry and apologize. And give them each a hug and tell them you love them if you can then leave and take the dog for a walk... tc

[ladyrevan21]

Thanks.

Yeah, I think it could help. Taking him on walks. I am seeing a therapist, so I might have to email her and tell her that I kind of...lapsed a bit. I do need some sort of safe place, stuff like that. A place to go when I'm upset. And of course, getting out of the house more. (Thankfully, I do have opportunities for that) And keep working on my coping skills.

I agree about doing everything you can to get out on your own. At the very least it will mean living life on your own terms with your own rules. It is frustrating living with someone else under their rules.

[ladyrevan21]

Yeah. I think that things will at least improve between us when I move out. For now, I should really take whatever I can to get out on my own. (And fortunately, right now I think they're out of the house, so I can also take what I can get there)

[Thunder Bow]

Your dreams seem to mirror this situation quite well.

[ladyrevan21]

Very much so. I think I've got a lot of anger in me over the whole thing -- it's not even what I suspect happened; it's how everyone in my family's been treating me as a result. (Well, except my brother, who doesn't really agree with things but at least recognizes I'm not a bad person) I guess in the end, blood doesn't really make family. A family for me are people who support you no matter what, lift you up when you're feeling down, manage to make it through the worst storms possible, have fun together, have healthy boundaries and communication...things like that. My family at the moment is none of these. Even reflecting on past incidents, like my dad trying to minimize everything I felt, I'm starting to wonder if my family was as good as I thought. Maybe I'm being a bit unfair right now, maybe every family has arguments and such...but then I also think about stuff like my dad basically storming out of the house at times during arguments with my mom (there were times when I was younger I did worry about him leaving. Silly worries, maybe, but they were there) and...at the bare minimum, they weren't perfect. There's really no use in hoping they'll support me; best I have is other people. (The alternative is to go it alone, and that probably wouldn't be a good idea) My therapist, for instance.

[Thunder Bow]

Remember arguments, and accusations has to do with feeling lonely. People in your family are feeling estranged from each other. Always take this into consideration when you are dealing with family accusations and bickering.

[ladyrevan21]

That is true. I think they are being thrown into a bit of a realm that they have no idea what's going on. It is, admittedly, one of the reasons I sometimes feel like the "bad daughter". I feel alienated from them, they feel alienated from me...it's kind of a mess.
It has gotten better (I at least had a good conversation with my dad about feeling different from people), but yeah, it's a mess. I think one of the worst parts about it is that the memories I do have aren't even complete. So the best I can do is deal with the stuff I know for certain. It sucks, honestly, but I guess it's the best I can do.