[ladyrevan21]

So it really kind of took a conversation with somebody else to realize that I have this habit of protecting others at the expense of myself -- when those people do really bad things to me, for instance. It might have started with my teachers (sort of saying, "Well, they weren't all bad", "I was kind of a bad kid", things like that) and continued over into the woman I talked about -- basically, she kind of had a hard go of it too. She's kind of talked about it. And it just kind of makes me wonder if I'm the bad guy (bad girl, in this case) for getting upset with how she treats people (she was and still is vicious towards people and had, and still probably has, a heavy misandrist streak on some occasions. Emphasis on "some", really. She and the others also had a fondness for acting like men were out to get them. And then there was her "joke" about shooting up a city that someone who'd angered her lived in). I mean, I hate how she treated people, and yet she had such a horrible background that I'm wondering if I'm somehow...just a bad person for getting upset.

Am I a jerk? (My therapist says I'm not, but I'm still not quite certain. I still kind of think I am) And...well, how do I stop "protecting" people, like teachers, who've hurt me?

[Chyialee]

Oh no. No, indeed you are not a jerk. And omg, if you ever figure out how we stop making excusing-statements for ppl who ARE being jerks, please bottle and sell it -- you will make millions & I'll be your first customer!

Lemme ask something: Did your parents do this whilst you were growing up? Bc I srsly think I caught it from mine. There was aklways (or nearly always) some mitigating factor pulled in outta left field, ranging from "Well perhaps he was just having a bad day" to "Well, now, you know Aunt Ella's family had a very hard go of it..." etc etc ad infinitum.

So did I imprint that? Oh hale yes.
Now I'm working on telling myself that it's OK to not like the things and behaviours I dislike.
There are some things that we really shoud NOT make allowances for imo -- and that's OK!

Best,
Chyia, BTDT Club

[ladyrevan21]

Thanks. And I'll definitely do that!

And as far as I know, not really. In fact, my mom was a lot harsher on my teachers than I was. Maybe it was just because there were some good times mixed in with the really rough stuff. And because there was that whole...well, thing about adults and kids is that I think there's kind of an inherent power imbalance; like when you're a kid, a rebuke from an adult is like a rebuke from God. (That's my experience, anyway) So I guess seeing adults with this the-adults-are-God perspective, plus preexisting issues like learning disabilities and anxiety kind of made me wonder if I kind of brought it on myself, even when honestly, some of their reactions were weird -- there was one instance where I was sent to the principal's office because one teacher thought I was laughing at her when I wasn't (I was ten at the time), for example. As for the woman I mentioned -- well, she did have issues of her own (pretty bad ones) and I guess...well, I guess I have a bit of a saving-people-complex. I felt like I was just going for the low blow/being unfair by getting angry at how she treated others. And I guess I thought I was being oversensitive because...well, one thing my parents did do was tell me I was oversensitive to stuff. Which, even if they weren't being insensitive on purpose, was still insensitive. (I kind of talked to my dad about it as he was the worst offender in that regard; he thought I just got "bent out of shape" about stuff and didn't really identify with how passionate I got about it.) And I thought "it was just something over the Internet; how could it have upset me that badly". Plus, it actually took something my mom pointed out -- I was in a certain community which sort of normalized that woman's behavior (the woman I mentioned, not my mom). I guess I also wanted validation that this was not normal, this was not okay, but it really took right now to realize that it left a pretty bad effect. Probably due to preexisting issues that that confrontation exacerbated, and probably due to some of the words the woman used, such as basically calling me stupid, ignorant, etc. (Warped thing was that she actually thought she was helping people through her behavior. Not even close, honestly) I guess I also worry about people calling me stupid and ignorant and such -- sometimes justified, sometimes not. (I just wonder why it seems to be a recurring theme in my worries, especially since according to others my intellect is not bad)

And sorry that your parents did that to you. :Hugs:

And yes, exactly! For me, I'm trying to find that healthy middle ground between understanding someone while still going, "I refuse to put up with this." So I might have to work on telling myself the same thing: some people's behaviors we shouldn't make allowances for, and that's okay.