[Mary-Jane]

Hi

I'd say I'm more of a passive listener than an active user on the forum. But I am in need, I think, of some 'letting out' of my own.

There's a long and boring story to it, but I will spare you all the details. The gist of it is - I was fat, got bullied (mainly by men), nasty depression, lost the weight but still feel fat. The usual.

I'm a bubbly person in nature, something that really only developed after my depression though. Before that I'd easily go days without saying a word. Anything said could and would be used against me, so I just didn't want to be heard. These days I've got a big mouth and tend to shout out whatever I'm thinking. Arguably not much better, but that's life.

I've learned to live life on my own, and I'm pretty good at it. I enjoy my alone time and often need it as well. At my age (sounds super old, but I'm approaching 28) people can't help but wonder how come I never had a boyfriend. When I was a teenager this did really bother me. I've had a few severe crushes, remember telling the guy I liked him - but that didn't end well. Either they pretended to like me back until they could crush me with it for their pleasure, or they'd completely throw me aside immediately. I learned that if I liked a guy, I'd keep it to myself. I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable (who could POSSIBLY like me?) and spare myself the pain. So at some point, one of my lowest lows, I set up one of my best friends with my biggest crush ever. I knew she liked him, it completely killed me - but I wasn't going to say I liked him.

Apart from this I've had some **** luck with guys. If a guy liked me or showed any sign of interest I'd immediately get suspicious. 'What was in it for him?', 'Where are his friends?', 'Is he going to make fun of me?'. I naturally assume he's just there to make an *** out of me. So the more subtler guys (in hindsight) I threw off immediately. Those persistent enough I let get closer to me, because I couldn't throw them off. These, as you might have guessed, were the stalker types. The ones that would call you 10 times a day, send you awful texts if you didn't respond instantly (*****, I will hurt you - whatever) immediately followed by texts such as; 'I want to see you', 'you brighten my day' type of crap.

So my view on men and relationships is distorted. But people grow up and upon advice of good friends I started online dating. I gave it a shot, first time was a bust - gave my number to the wrong (read; very persistent) guy, big mistake. Nothing bad happened, I caught this one early, old habits.

Second time around it went much better. I went out on an actual date with him. It was fantastic, we chatted forever and I knew I wanted to see him again. But naturally I grew afraid, I must like him more than he does, he's just pretending. We continue to date, but I feel myself trying to push him away. I'm scared to death for liking him this much. I'm scared he'll crush me or even become the crazy stalker type, because he can. And I must explain - my previous experiences were just crushes (and over 10 years ago!), simple handholding and whatnot. With this guy I've shared my first kiss (EVER), so there's some emotional 'investment' in there from my side. I really like him and as such, the fear of being conned is extra strong.

I don't know how to cope with this. I am already a load of work. Being at my age, and so inexperienced, scared of all sorts of things. How much should a 'normal' guy have to deal with? - and then that thought creeps in my head - 'what's wrong with him that he decides to invest in me?'. I know, it's wrong in so many ways, but I can't shake that feeling.

I'm afraid I'm self-sabotaging. I like him, I think he likes me, but at the same time I'm afraid of liking him. I know this has to do with my self-image as well, but I don't know how to start to changing this. It's been shoved in for years and years, the ugly fat kid that should've just killed herself (kids and teenagers are lovely people). I know it can be 'untaught' but I just don't know how. For starters, writing this down helps. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

XXX

[Skeezyks]

Hello Mary-Jane: The Skeezyks doesn't really have any words of wisdom for you here. I'd simply like to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find your way through this difficult, yet potentially rewarding, situation. I guess the only thing I can really say is to try not to read too much into the relationship & try to avoid looking too far ahead. Just take it one step at a time & see where it leads...

[handheart]

Yes i would say you to not overcomplicate things be simple and just act and see what happens