[broccoli.brownie]

I'm up! Sleep is a foreign luxury I can't afford.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend, who I miss now for reasons independent of our 'relationship'. We both slept peacefully together... this isn't about him (or us), but I curse the calmness of our souls together at rest. I have no rest.
Thoughts of other close relationships have been tormenting my heart and mind. A father who abandoned me. Childhood "best friends" who transitioned into new phases of life and NEVER looked back. An ex fiance who left me with nothing but empty promises of future plans of our lives together and utter confusion. An adult "best friend" who 'fought' the monsters of rage within me to befriend me, only to leave me stuck in a mess he'd selfishly created, NEVER looking back.
I don't claim perfection or innocence. No one can.OR should. But in these instances...I simply cannot understand what I did or didn't do to cause each of them to leave me in SUCH emotional chaos. W-H-Y am I S-O unlovable??
Perhaps I should allow my heart to become as dead as I'd like to be. Perhaps it's N-O-T better to have loved and lost than never to have loved... Who came up with THAT?!
I feel emotionally damaged.

[Skeezyks]

Hello broccoli.brownie: I'm sorry you have had these difficult experiences. I often wonder how it is my life turned out the way it did. But, really, there is no rationale for it. It simply is what it is.

Personally, I think people transitioning into other phases of their lives, & leaving old friends behind, is probably just the way it is for most people. I guess I wouldn't really know because I've never been a person to maintain relationships.

You mentioned your father having abandoned you. Perhaps this experience has lead you to inadvertently attach yourself to others who are also more likely to leave... sort-of like a person who has been physically abused seeking relationships with people who are abusive themselves. I don't know. This really gets into areas of psychology which are beyond my knowledge base. But perhaps it's something to consider & to discuss in therapy, if you're seeing a therapist, or if you decide to see one at some future time. I wish you well...

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Hi broccoli brownie I don't have any great answer to offer other then I feel this way a lot too. just look at what is says under my avatar pic...yup, I'm right there with you.