Finding certain emotions hard.

The thing I find hardest to deal with is being alone for much of the time and having to keep everything to myself.I am the kind of person likes to talk and to share with others,that is who I am and having noone all day,day in and day out is the hardest thing.

I also find it hard to come to terms with the abuse and betrayal I suffered by my family,the emotions around that that are difficult is a mixture of fear and anger and the pain of being hated by them so much that they tried to bring about my death.To have been used by my mother and then discarded when she thought she could no longer use me for her own needs is so hard.I was abandoned by her from four years old to walk through the London streets to and from school totally alone and came back to an empty house and sit on the doorstep till one of the family came home to let me in.I used to say to myself back then,'my mother hates me', 'I want my mum to love me', at times even though I am 52 now I still hear myself thinking those two phrases to myself.
Only they are true now and I realize they was then too.My mother was/is a narcissist see she loves no one but my golden child sister and herself but primarily herself.

I am going on about this a lot but it hurts and having no love to replace the lost love I thought I had is hard and I miss my narc mother cos I loved her though she hated and hates me.

I will get over this and form new relationships free of abuse and I don't like to sound moany and whining and I do enjoy most days even on my own I get out,see films,go for a drink and a meal, browse the shops, entertain myself and have the odd friend and acquaintance so it isn't all bad.Not to paint the picture totally black but some days the emotions are difficult and I don't want to cope with them alone.

Hello Marylin: I'm sorry you still must struggle with these sad experiences. But I'm glad you are able to find some happiness in your day-to-day life, in spite of them... & that you're looking forward to new relationships. This is to be celebrated! Don't worry about sounding moany & whiny. Sharing our pain is a large part of what we're all here for...