I can't stay

I haven't been on here for a while so I don't really know where to start.. this will probably be long though and I'm so sorry for that.

I had a friend.. we were really close but then over time as friendships do we kinda went our own ways.. it was so hard for me and especially as I knew that she had moved on from me but had moved on to being very close and good friends with my other ones that had also moved on from me.. (kinda felt like they had abandoned/ rejected me for someone better )

Recently me and that friend I first talked about got back into contact. It was actually on the night that I went to see Matilda the musical a few weeks ago that we spoke the best and like normal like nothing had ever happened between us! She told me she was going into hospital and asked if I could come visit. I said I would. She was admitted on that Monday (2 days later) and I knew something was wrong. Suddenly she wasn't replying to me and contact was very slow. I tried to just tell myself that maybe she was just finding hospital hard and she needed to just focus on her and then I was OK cuz I thought that she just needed time to herself and the issue wasn't about me at all..

But then she told me that she was NOT allowed any contact in any way to anyone but her parents.. she slipped up though and I knew it was personal then

You see I caught her daily on fb and talking to friends numerous times and it was hurting so bad that I confronted her about it. And well she didn't take it well at all cuz now she has blocked and deleted me from fb but I don't even know what I did wrong

Like how can she suddenly be my friend again then almost instantly hate my guts so much that she has to lie to my face?!

And so now here I am. Hurt and broken. Keeping to myself cuz I just can't be hurt again I can't. I don't want to be here anymore. It hurts so bad and no one gets or understands how much. They just say it's a normal part of growing up, but haven't I grown up enough already???

I wrote this last night. I just want so badly to say goodbye and leave. It hurts too much to stay.

I don't know how to tell you this
I'm scared of letting go
You've never been this close to me
To be this far, so out of reach

We always had our funny ways
Our ways to be sincere
We had our fight song and chalk always near
We won our battles with laughter but never with fear

We forever stood tall
We helped the other up
We fought both hard and strong
We got knocked down but never stayed put

And so I'm writing this
Tears streaming down my face
I fell down and there I must stay
..my partner in crime has run away

And to the others
The one's who tried to help
I'm sorry but this is ending
I won't lose another.. no I won't lose you too

And so this is goodbye
Goodbye to those who cared
Goodbye to those who threw me away
The ones who threw me away without a care

Thanks for reading I guess..

I know this is so painful. I have had a couple of similar experiences. I can only say that it isnt about you. It however says a hell of a lot about her.

Please dont take her stuff on board. I know it is easy to do that -- but you havent done anything wrong here.

As for her behaviour -- real friends dont do that.

She isnt worthy of being you friend and she just missed out on that.

Hello lozza89: Thanks for sharing your grief. The Skeezyks would simply like to send some hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this for. It's too much.