I'm fearful that I will never know hope and joy again. I loath my life. I'm 40 and all alone. My career is in the toilet (I'm working on fixing that part of my life) and . . . I have no family. I could list everything that wrong with my life, but I don't think that's the point of my post. I'm a failure, alone, scared that I will remain like this and dwindle further into the quiet gray.
I do work at improving aspects of my life during the day, but by nightfall the veil of hopeless and everything wrong falls all around and I am walking through emotional pain . . . I have nightmares every night (not "scary" stuff, but my scary stuff, like a replay of all my failures and me older and more lonely and in worse shape financially and stuff like that). It's great that most days I can push past this and make an effort but why does the night bring this sickening pain back? I need help with this. I really need help getting rid of these feelings--all of which are rooted in events and facts (eg too old to have children and not married).
But I do want to not just manage the emotions. . . I want to get rid of the maze of misery they create.
Is this possible? What can I do?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

The night brings the pains for me too. I'm busy during the day, but then I realize there's nothing to look forward to once the work day is over. I sit around too much at night while my mind comes up with all this self-defeating crap.

You're not alone. I hope you can find inner peace.

[Skeezyks]

Hello JayneEli: I'm sorry your nights are so difficult. The Skeezyks has been quite the failure in his own life. By some miracle, I do have a wife who has stuck with me. So I'm not completely alone. I'm no longer working. And, beyond my spouse, I lead as reclusive a life as possible. I'm simply waiting out whatever amount of time I have left to live. Fortunately I'm at an age where the amount of time I have to wait is getting shorter.

One thing I thought I would mention here, on a very practical level, is with regard to an article that appeared in our local newspaper a while back. It was with regard to craving sweets during the evening... which I do! The article pointed out that the brain requires large amounts of energy in order to function. And sweets provide a quick jolt of energy. So when a person craves sweets during the evening, what is actually happening non-consciously is that the brain is seeking a reinforcement of energy.

So with that thought in mind, perhaps one reason you feel so down during the evening is because your brain is drained of energy. I know, in my own case, my energy level as a whole is certainly lower during the evening even though I'm not even that busy during the day. Obviously, there are other factors at work here as well. However, making sure you're providing your brain with enough energy to carry you through the evening may be one small, practical way of attacking the emotional pain you experience during the evenings. Just a thought...

One other practical tip I could pass along came to me from a psychiatrist I once saw. She said that using the hands & fingers requires large amounts of brain capacity. So, when a person is feeling depressed & / or anxious, if the person can find something to do that requires using the hands & fingers (such as some sort of craft project) this will tend to prevent feelings of depression & anxiety from spreading to increasingly larger areas of the brain.

[Thunder Bow]

Seeing a Therapist will help with your depression. Also stop finding reasons to feel bad about yourself. Comparing yourself to others is a short cut to feeling bad about yourself.

Originally Posted by The Green Manalishi

I'm sorry you are going through this.

The night brings the pains for me too. I'm busy during the day, but then I realize there's nothing to look forward to once the work day is over. I sit around too much at night while my mind comes up with all this self-defeating crap.

You're not alone. I hope you can find inner peace.

Hi The Green Manalishi,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I think Skeezyks (see his reply in this thread has some useful information for us, as well as possible solutions for helping combat our difficult evenings. I'm going to give them a try and see if it helps. you can reach out to me here to chat any time.
Take care,
Jayne

Hi Skeezyks,
First of all I'm sorry you can relate to my situation, but I'm glad for you that you have your wife.
And Wow! Thank you so much for sharing that information and those ideas to combat the evening depression. Seriously awesome having practical advice. I'm going to give them a try. I'll try to make sure I have something nutritious early in the evening and I'll start a craft early in the pm too--before I usually start to feel really down.
I hope you are having a good day.
Take care,
Jayne

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Seeing a Therapist will help with your depression. Also stop finding reasons to feel bad about yourself. Comparing yourself to others is a short cut to feeling bad about yourself.

Hi Thunder Bow,
I never said anything about comparing myself to others. That's an assumption on your part. Telling someone to stop finding things wrong with themselves is an insensitive and unhelpful reply. That is like telling a sad person that the solution to their problem is to stop being sad--a shallow and unhelpful non-coping skill.

[Thunder Bow]

Feeling bad about oneself, is like an old friend that is hard to let go. It is some times associated with depression. Not finding reasons to feel bad about yourself is the 1st step in your healing. Feeling bad about yourself re-enforces those feelings you speak of, thus re-enforcing your depression. Because these feelings had an early start in your childhood, you mind has attached a survival value to them. Therapy can help you understand your growing up.

....."eg too old to have children and not married"... is comparing yourself to others.

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Feeling bad about oneself, is like an old friend that is hard to let go. It is some times associated with depression. Not finding reasons to feel bad about yourself is the 1st step in your healing. Feeling bad about yourself re-enforces those feelings you speak of, thus re-enforcing your depression. Because these feelings had an early start in your childhood, you mind has attached a survival value to them. Therapy can help you understand your growing up.

....."eg too old to have children and not married"... is comparing yourself to others.

Thunder Bow,
No, that's not comparing one self. At a Certain point in a woman's life it becomes less likely physically to have a child and it's even dangerous. I am at that point and it has absolutely nothing to do with comparing oneself to someone else. I want children not because other people have children. And I want to be in a relationship with someone not because others are or are not in a relationship. It's what I want for me. You are projecting meaning onto my statements that is simply not there.

You said:
"Because these feelings had an early start in your childhood"

I never said anything about childhood.

[Thunder Bow]

...." I really need help getting rid of these feelings--all of which are rooted in events and facts (eg too old to have children and not married)".....

When our feeling are rooted in this way, it is because we are comparing ourselves to others. ie. you feel old in comparison to other people who are younger than you. Then you add on age related issues.

Feeling bad about oneself does have its start in childhood. It relates to how we interacted with parents and other family members. You can heal from this, if you chose to do so.

...." like a replay of all my failures and me older and more lonely and in worse shape financially and stuff like that)"..'

This also implies comparison. You are caught in the process of feeling bad about yourself. I will not re-enforce a members bad feelings about themselves. I am encouraging to you feel better about yourself, by helping you understand this issue.

Age 50. Divorced and happier by far than when I was married. Marriage means nothing if you are depressed.

Have you tried anti-depressants?

[avlady]

it seems like there was a misunderstanding in your posts, hope you can solve it positively!!

[brainy]

I really don't think Jayne is not choosing to feel and be better.
Our type of depression isn't something that can be controlled by sheer will power. It's a brain thing. Yes, there are steps that she can take that may and can help her to control it such as medication, therapy, but because it's a brain thing, it will not go away by her just choosing to do so. By saying "if you chose to do so" that's like taking something for a headache. Yeah, in time the pain may go away or get to a level where you may be able to cope with it. But guess what? The cause of the headache is still there!
So it is with our type of depression. The cause of our type of depression, brain, is still there and won't ever go away by "choosing to" make it go away!

[Phizell]

40 is not too old to have children, I had one when I was 40