[cari230]

My boyfriend is about to leave me. He says i play a victim. i was in a bad marriage for 23 yrs. i agree with him on the victim mindset. but i dont want to b one. he says i have a snotty *****y attitude. some times i dont realize i do. i want to change i want to be the happy person i once was and that i know i am. but i seem to have a problem achieving that. i have promised him im going to do better but always seem to mess up. can someone please give me someadvice on how to have a better attitude and get out of the whole victim mindset???

[Skeezyks]

Hello cari230: I'm sorry your are struggling with this. I have of sense of what this must be like for you as I also have some unconstructive behaviors I'd love to change but simply seem to be unable to. Do you see a therapist? Working with a mental health professional may be the best way to attack this. Ingrained behaviors such as this can be devilishly difficult to change. One thing that has been of some help to me is to employ a Buddhist practice called "compassionate abiding". Here is a link to a nice general description of the practice, should you be interested in looking into it:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[cari230]

thank you for your response. no im not in therapy but i am willing to do anything. i dont like who i have become. i have the greatest man in my life and i keep messing up. i try to change things but i keep reverting right back to the way things were. i dont intentionally give attutude.it just comes out. i will check out the link you sent me.. thanks again.

[PumpkinPieHead]

You've made the best decision you can in all of this, by realizing you have a problem and having the initiative to seek help. Work on yourself for a while, and call your honey up when you are ready. If the relationship will be, it will be.

Good luck and you check in often, ya hear?

[hashiBP2?]

I can really relate to what you have said. I feel like I am puching my whole family away. I rage all the time and have no tolerance for my kids or husband. I feel like they all push my buttons. I dont want my kids to remember me as a miserable *****. I am a miserable person and have no reason to be. I hope you find the help you need. I jsut started lamictal one week ago. I would not except bipolar2 diagnosis. now i am desprate.

[missshakeandbake]

Hi I'm going through the same thing. IT been really hard. About two weeks ago i started to find myself and i have conversion disorder with seizures and more. a complex ptsd. I have a wonderful boyfriend and he's loved me with his whole heart. I learned this week i had to start really let go. I got ptsd workbooks go to therapy and also support groups. i reached out to friends on my thoughts and how i felt about having a mental disorder. I started to go for walks and going to yoga class. Then i started to bring the love to my boyfriend. i found he was started and more traumatized for the years of me being cold and a *****. then the past few months he held my head while i had over 100 seizures. I had a hard year and took it out on him. Then i started to see he was really suffering. i held him the past days hugging him loving him and really bring compassion into the relationship. it was hard to just open up. set little goals each day and find a way. it can happen if you make the effort much love if you want an ear holla namaste

[Crazy Hitch]

Believe that you are the one in control of your own happiness and that your past does not define you.

You are the one who is going to take charge of your own life and do things that serve in your best interest.

[winter4me]

He is human too, so don't over-idealize him either-----you may need to let him know that things do not change easily, try (hard one) not to make great promises of change---it might help, if he is willing, for you both to talk to a third party who can 'see' the dynamics, the triggers in the relationship. Your boyfriend needs to know how he can help you, and you how you can help him negotiate the murky waters of moving on...(just don't blame yourself entirely...it isn't like that...it makes for a roller coaster---and, in a way, no one is "wrong" or to blame...it's a learning process...not without pain) If he threatens to leave, then stays when you make promises you cannot keep, that is not a good thing. If he does leave, you will survive.....& you may find you need time on your own to recover from the past...to learn new ways, who you are and what you want/need....

[Maksim kanareikin]

Originally Posted by cari230

My boyfriend is about to leave me. He says i play a victim. i was in a bad marriage for 23 yrs. i agree with him on the victim mindset. but i dont want to b one. he says i have a snotty *****y attitude. some times i dont realize i do. i want to change i want to be the happy person i once was and that i know i am. but i seem to have a problem achieving that. i have promised him im going to do better but always seem to mess up. can someone please give me someadvice on how to have a better attitude and get out of the whole victim mindset???

Work on your mindset it the hard way and long. If you really want to get rid of it, here's the first two steps:
1. Remember his life whole Again. Pay attention to where you were a victim.
2. Start to watch yourself and pay attention to your words that make a victim of you.
And better go to a therapist.