[martinerous]

Warning: the text contains some sexual content.

When I was a little boy, my father had major issues with alcohol (often got back home completely drunk and my mom was shouting at him and crying). There were no other older men nearby to at least partly replace him.

Also, additionally I have a weak somewhat undeveloped body with some chronic illnesses.

In childhood, I often fantasized that I have a better father who would spend more time with me and teach me how to become a real man, despite my health issues. During those fantasies I got so emotionally and physically tensed and overwhelmed, that I started even having erections. Later on I thought I'm homosexual, but it didn't work out that way - I have no desire for a naked body or anything related to that. It's just that when I see a person whom I would want to receive "father's love" and knowledge from, I feel the same childhood reactions which has this strong "craving for impossible" feeling, which leads to sexual reaction. At the same time I feel shame because that feels like betraying my father.

Sometimes the roles get reversed - I imagine myself having a body of such a person, and again I start craving for this impossible idea of being someone else, in stronger body with wisdom and intelligence of an older man. Consciously I know that I should be lucky to have arms and legs at all because some people don't have even that, but such positive thinking does not lessen the cravings at all. They are just creeping out of my subconscious part.

This also has affected my attraction towards women - I tend to treat them as mothers or daughters but I can't find the "sexual attraction" for them as for equal partners, although I have had romantic crushes.

Essentially, currently I consider myself being asexual. While I have nothing against being asexual (1% of the world seems to be so), still I would like to change something about those "craving emotions", if possible. I'm over 30 now. I have tried some psychotherapy but it didn't work - I expected to receive something specific to try, some exercises etc., but all I got instead was just the message that I have incorrect attitude and reactions. I already know that, anyway, and I know the reasons. I just don't know how to change that.

It's also kinda hard to find a good therapist because of tight work schedule and the fact that I live in a rural area. A visit to the city would require entire day just for 45 minutes long therapy session worth 35 EUR + 10 EUR trip (that was one of the options I found), and audio calls would be uncomfortable because I live together with some people and I don't want them to hear about my issues.

What kind of psychotherapy would be the most appropriate in my case? Has anyone actually experienced something similar and can unpleasant cravings (and related sexual attractions) be changed at all?

I could try any possible self-treatment. I have read about psychology and I have already improved some things here and there, but the progress is too slow, and obviously I need some monitoring or at least a feedback from a professional guide. Any ideas?

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't have any advice to give at the moment.. but just know this.. I'm with you

[Thunder Bow]

Seems to related to extreme anxiety. Maybe you can do the audio therapy in a place where can can be alone? Such as outside, or a private bedroom?

[martinerous]

Thanks for the support.

Yes, I guess I'll have to try my possible remote options.

It would also be great to find some good book for studying - I'm analytic, I like to be honest with myself, experiment, analyze my dreams and states of consciousness. I have read a book about neurosis, and again - it mostly explained what they are and how they develop, but did not explain much about possible treatments.

I suspect many professional therapists will not publish their best and most effective methods.

Yes, my overall anxiety level has always been high, this is also mostly because of my health issues. I have poor vision since childhood, so I have to be extremely careful everywhere I go and I have to double check everything. The fact that I "can't trust my eyes" has led me to general distrust in myself.

Also I feel like I have received too little acceptance from others. I have been praised for being smart, diligent, helpful and also I have received much help and sometimes have even been pampered too much, but I have never heard from someone that they accept me as I am and that they like me as a person but not because of my achievements or being helpful. For these reasons I feel like I'm trying to please everyone around me but I don't have my own wishes and dreams to fulfill - I'm just going with the flow and eagerly attaching to the first person who shows some interest, hoping to receive general acceptance and not just gratitude or something like that.

I like to be with animals - when I stroke a cat and when I hear purring I feel like being accepted "as I am" with no strings attached ... and these emotions also cause some kind of slightly sexual feeling. I hope I'm not becoming a zoofile In some weird sense this gives me a hope that if I meet a woman who accepts me and who is sweet, nice and tiny as a kitten, it might open my ability for physical love. But I haven't met such a woman yet.