[JustMeMyself&I]

This will be along read, sorry. You don't need to read this if you don't wanna waste your time. I need to vent.

Hi. Right now I'm having a free week off school due to half term. And so far this whole week, I have literally not dressed out of my pyjamas or gone outside. Literally, not figuratively. In fact, I only go out of my room to the toilet or for food. My friends suggested meeting up, but I refused.
I have been feeling this way as long as I remember, honestly, but instead of going away it only gets stronger by the day, and I fall deeper into this lifestyle.

I genuinely think I've become 'asocial', where social interactions just don't interest me anymore. My friends even snapchat me everyday, but i only reply once a day to keep the streak going and ignore any other notifications.
I've been feeling kind of 'dead inside, and though it sounds weird and cringey, it's true. I literally feel no motivation whatsoever to move from either my bed or my chair. Even though half the time I sit there in boredom and silence, and the other I stress and try to study. It's just like I have no energy at all, and my emotion only stays on 'neutral/empty' unless I get sad or angry about something.
I know I've been hurting my mum because she told me that it upsets her how I don't go out of my room and talk to her, I won't even go walk the dogs with her at least once. I just can't change that. Like I have no motivation to 'live' my life.
It's weird considering that sometimes I really want an interaction but only to vent what I'm typing right now. I'm one big paradox- Scared of being lonely but love being alone.

I hate myself for wasting my time away but I just feel incapable of social interaction or doing something. Just the thought of going outside, or meeting up, just make me angry and annoyed for some reason???

Ugh, adding to that, I just completely feel like I was just meant to be alone all my life and nothing can change that. Like I'm not meant to 'belong' with anyone or anywhere.

Thanks if you made it and read the whole thing. You don't have to reply, but it would be nice to have some comfort right now

{edit: sorry if this is te wrong forum to post this, I'm kinda new to posting}

[Unrigged64072835]

[Talthybius]

I was kind of like you describe for many years. Except I was not disturbed by it the way you are. I was only disturbed by the fact I wasn't disturbed by it. I had fallen terribly in love and that in itself left me confused for years. It never felt like a depresison, but it was debilitating for sure.
I only got out of it when I got actually depressed when my emotional self felt the reality my intellectual self was alway aware of, but tried to rationalize away to protect my emotional self. (hope that makes some sense)

I have no answers. Sometimes it feels like it is just silly chemicals deciding how we feel.
But I have changed, in some way. I used to despise people or strangers. That was one reason to avoid as many people as possible. Or maybe it was just anxienty I had, even though I don't see myself as an anxious person.

Right now, I wish I was 20 years old and I would talke up a 'silly waitering job', just to be around people. I think that I might like that, now, if I had 20. Just one example. Just serve food and drinks to happy people, see them enjoy the evening, and banter around a bit. Get some positive energy. Postive energy I used to be blind to.

What I did the last 1.5 was similar to you; I sat at my parents place, working on my thesis project that isn't supposed to start yet next month. Even my father asked me now if I was 'going mad', focussing only on academics. An abusrd thing to suggest now, and not in the past, when I was truly mad. It is one of my worries.
But I am just happy I have something I am excited about, happy to work on, keep me engaged. And something I may be good at and may gain me money and respect, eventually. Academics is my escape, I guess. But maybe also a shell I can hide in so I don't have to change. I guess I needed that because of circumstances (second failed romance after 14 years).
I am back in university town since yesterday, I talked very briefly with a few students and did my exams. They have no idea what is going on in my mind.

At least be happy you are scared of being lonely. It may be your insurance against being lonely and being ok with it and then at age 40 waking up to the reality that you really aren't ok with being lonely and have wasted half your life.