[ScientiaOmnisEst]

This isn't as emo as the title sounds, I swear.

Many people- myself included, have a need of some sort to be heard. The problem, bluntly, is that no one else cares. No one cares if you tell them something you've never told anyone before, or if you just had a breakthrough/down, or if what you just said is important to you. No one but a few care, and how are you supposed to determine that?

Now I'm thinking about myself. I care, at least a little. If someone was talking to me and and mentioned that something they just said was soemthing they'd never been brave enough to tell anyone, something in me would think "Oh....OH. Wow. Thanks." Nothing effusive, but not the "Who gives a crap, you dumb *****? I couldn't care less about you" that most people would have.

Is it so wrong to want to be liked, or even loved? To want to feel known and connected with someone, or am I nothing but a stupid, worthless, hyperemotional imbecile who deserves to be used and laughed at?

It makes sense though, people are self-centered by nature; more focused on their own story than someone else's. I admit it in myself. I guess I like to think I could at least appreciate the feelings of someone confiding in me, and honor them empathically, and is it so much to hope for something similar in return?

All this erupted out of fantasy, imagining myself being really, truly authentic in front of someone...and getting this reaction, more or less. I hang out enough online to see people who give accounts of how someone poured their heart out to them, and they (the writer) wondered why this person trusted them so much when they didn't even care. It's a really common phenomenon, plenty of people seem to take a "Never tell anyone anything because they don't care" attitude that I can't live with. I suppose on some level it's a relief that someone might not care - you can't be too cruel if you don't actually care. But invalidation is a neighbor to outright rejection.

The internet at least offers a buffer: you can read or not, and the person on the other end only needs to know when you read (a like or a comment). That's quite different from being blown off, even privately, by a flesh-and-blood person.

Some thoughts.

[littleowl2006]

Hi there,
I am thinking about the exact same thing at the moment. I am having such a crappy time and it drives people away from me because I don't know how to keep it all to myself. I am really confused.
I am different too, because I care and when someone tells me their secrets I usually don't get scared or anything. But most people either aren't compassionate or they have their own troubles they don't want to be reminded of. Or they think they need to "help" and get frustrated when they can't do anything. Like listening isn't enough. It's pretty frustrating :/

[BlossomingLen]

Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you.

As someone who has people confide in me all the time and tell me their woes and worries; I can say that I care immensely. I've met plenty of people who care for me when I tell them how I feel, or at least it seems that way. Maybe I'm just lucky and I haven't found the "wrong crowd" as of yet. Though I can say that it must be terrible to meet people like that and I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't understand how that can really happen. If someone comes up to you and opens up, that should be a wonderful moment. I've always been a really people-oriented person and I've always wanted to make people happy. That's my mission. I remember I used to be very selfish, actually. All I really cared about was myself and I did plenty of things that I regret now. But I managed to hammer into my head the idea that maybe being self-centered won't make that big of an impact. Sure, I'll effect myself and that's great and all. But if I help others and have them gain confidence, maybe I could make a bigger difference there.

The reason why I'm saying this is because your post really did make me think about how others may treat people in need. I always thought that maybe people would be like how I was. Though, maybe they could also learn from this and be more selfless in the end. Like how I did. I know this sounds overly optimistic and probably doesn't seem realistic. But as someone who tries to make others happy, I have to try to be happy, even when things are dreary. So maybe if I keep going at it, it could one day come true.

Thank you so much for reading, and making this post! It was very thought provoking. Have a wonderful day!

[10yrsgone]

This is a great, introspective and relevant post. And much of what you said happened (happens?) to me so it was understandably tough for me to read (especially the part about outpouring to someone who didn't care. I know that feeling and it is the worst in the world...so as a result I kept to myself and here I am).

I think it's a problem with society in general --- everyone is focused on themselves so much that when someone comes along genuinely needing help it catches them off guard and bewilders them when someone they see as a mere acquaintance suddenly outpours. It's a lesson in human nature that no one often tells us.

We can only hope for more caring people in the world, those that genuinely value and appreciate life's little "breakthroughs", as you said. Sadly, for some with mental illness, those confiding influences are often hard to find. It's even worse when someone who once was a kindred spirit turns into a careless pedestrian.

Again, this is a great topic to address and it's something that needs to be said. Thank you.

[healingme4me]

I find for me, that saying things in confidence in my non online life or perhaps just sharing something new to them about me, comes in overtime interactions, not necessarily something spur of the moment, open mouth, outpours every major up or down of my life to someone that I've only just met. Forming bonds isn't simple. I choose to surround myself with people that build me up, not tear me down. My online life tends to be right there, in the open. If one cares to read great, if they care to scroll past, that's fine too. Online bond chatter is minimal with me. Do I care about what I read, yes.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

T
Many people- myself included, have a need of some sort to be heard. The problem, bluntly, is that no one else cares. No one cares if you tell them something you've never told anyone before, or if you just had a breakthrough/down, or if what you just said is important to you. No one but a few care, and how are you supposed to determine that?

Now I'm thinking about myself. I care, at least a little. If someone was talking to me and and mentioned that something they just said was soemthing they'd never been brave enough to tell anyone, something in me would think "Oh....OH. Wow. Thanks." Nothing effusive, but not the "Who gives a crap, you dumb *****? I couldn't care less about you" that most people would have.

I didn't know most people don't care. I thought they would care. Especially professional hlth care workers. You are right though. A number of people have told me they don't care.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I know this is almost a year old, but I wanted to visit it again to dump a revived thought.

"Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people."

They say that shyness of social anxiety is a kind of mild narcissism, because you're deluded into thinking other people actually notice and care about you, so much so that it paralyzes you. Granted, I can't completly believe it. I notice people, and occasionally judge. Scroll through Facebook or Reddit and yes, people totally judge others. Harshly. I want to be judged well, if I must be. Plus, there are plenty of formal situations where how you look or perform matters - I can't just go into work out of dress code, play with my phone all day, and not expect a reprimand.

Why does this just make me want to jump off a damn bridge? If absolutely no one cares about you, or what you do, and never will, what's the point of living, or doing anything? If being loved or admired is impossible, there's nothing to live for. If trying to feel significant in the smallest way is wrong, I don't think this world is for me.

If you don't matter to anyone, why waste resources living?

Don't worry, there's nothing serious going on. Just being stupid and triggered.

EDIT: I'm probably going to be ruminating about this for the rest of the night, so I might as well purge my thoughts here. How on earth do people find that quote inspiring. Must be suicidal folks who can read that, think "Get over yourself, no one cares about you. What makes you so important people would give a ***** about what you think/do?" and not figure it's less painful to just not exist if everything is that futile. I mean, how dare you think you're so important you actually have the right to exist and be accepted! How dare you be so uppity as to want to be liked!

Some people do seem to identify social anxiety or outright shyness as somewhat narcissistic; heck, I'm narcissistic. I can admit that. I wish I was special, I want to impress people. If people don't care, I want to be able to make them care (and if that's pointless...well, I have no reason or motivation to live). I seldom ever think people are talking about me - it only recently kicked in at work. I'd see coworkers chatting in low voices and a piece of me would be terrified that it was about me, that I'm not pulling my weight or I did something that offended someone and they're upset, maybe I'll even get disciplined or fired! I don't want that! Isn't it reasonable to be scared? Of course, it's much more likely they're not talking about me, but the possibility haunted me.

In normal interaction though...I can't fully explain where the fear is. It's usually been more like my mind going blank, or simply not knowing how to say or do, sometimes even feeling paralyzed. Nothing consciously to do with impressing others.

I actually just realized there's almost a little narcissism imbued in that quote, and anyone who advertises it. "What I say and do matters and evinced by you listening to me right now; but anything you say or do is worthless and no one cares!" What a load.

[Out There]

[CofusedGirl235]

Hi,
I think I understand what you're talking about. In my life I find it hard to tell people what I am going through because they don't care as ling as I get fixed. I think that it's important to not let the people who don't care how you feel into your life. I only have two major friends in my life because they're the only people who do really care about me.
If they don't care how you feel or what you say then they're not worth your time and you invest more time with someone who does care about you.

[here today]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

. . .

"Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people."

. . .
Why does this just make me want to jump off a damn bridge? If absolutely no one cares about you, or what you do, and never will, what's the point of living, or doing anything? If being loved or admired is impossible, there's nothing to live for. If trying to feel significant in the smallest way is wrong, I don't think this world is for me.

If you don't matter to anyone, why waste resources living?

. . .

This is a very long post. I accept that you may not want to read it all. If nothing else, I hope that you may see in it an attempt to care, even if all the writing about my experience may seem well, . . . self-absorbed?

I wanted to go to a "walk-in" clinic at the funeral home for years. If no one cares and no one can help, yes, why waste the resources? But, there is no walk-in clinic at a funeral home.

Eventually, after my mother passed away and I had a falling out with her/my remaining family . . . the horrible pain and agony I felt told me that they had, sadly for me, never been able to care about and know me for who I am. Horrible, awful, pain. Blaming myself had been the way I had dealt with it most of my whole life. But I had lucked into a meetup group of people who COULD and did seem to accept me. Without them, I don't think i could have "recovered" My late husband had cared about me, too, but he's been gone for almost 18 years.

It's not my mother's "fault" or my aunts or my grandmother's. It's the way they were raised, too. And I loved them -- and despite the pain and the anger and the fact that we don't talk to each other now -- I still love them. That's in me, a part of me.

I'm an old lady so I have the "advantage" of having seen and read a lot and seen how ideas have changed over the decades, so the current "fad" about narcissism is just that, to me. Narcissism is a source of self-love, which is essential for survival, IMO. But also for people, love of others and a sense of belonging to a community and all that entails, also has survival value. So it evolved. From where? I have my own answer, a combination of science and general intuitions from several religions. But it boils down to, "from the universe". So, the universe cares about you and your life. . .I really know that's inadequate, it has been for me, but it was a cognitive answer that helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Finding the joie de vivre and love for my family of origin despite their inadequacies helped me overcome some anger with one of my children and unexpressed expectations of another. And knowing that I love my mother despite everything certainly has helped me to know that I love my children, and intellectually accept that they might love me. So, in recent weeks I've had very good visits with each of them, we've discussed some stuff because of "mom's" depression, etc., but mostly they seem to want to go forward with as much love all around as possible. Or, that seems to be my point of view and it seems OK with them.

Life is just tough. Maybe not physically so much anymore. But still, it's tough. Society can't function well if everybody cares about only themselves. But my 2 1/2 year old granddaughter certainly needs what looks like narcissism to me! Hopefully/probably she will grow out of it. But her narcissism seems closely intwined with her joie de vivre, too, and that is so fun and contagious! I just loved being with her. Invigorated something similar in me, too, maybe, in a perfectly OK and enjoyable way.

So, to me, it's only when our basic narcissism isn't accepted when we are little, when we are not seen and not heard, when we feel we "don't count" to other people (because they couldn't consistently stay with us, for instance) when we had a survival instinct to need that-- that then we can't go forward loving both ourselves and other people, because -- at least for me -- some of the energy that might have been used in loving what was outside of me is instead used in hypervigilance to prevent me from being "bad" or unacceptable in others' eyes, which currently includes being "narcissistic". Ugh.

I'm an old lady so I can say things like this: "It is insane. The current attittude, not you. You're OK, just trying to make it, like all of us." I don't know you well and I'm not a part of your life so I can't make much of a difference in it but for what it is worth, I care and wish you well.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Wow...I lost it last night. Then several hours of impotent internal ranting and raving gave me a new insight to all the shyness shaming I seemed to be reading lately.

I'm...sorry for that post. I really don't know how to self-soothe, especially from racing thoughts. I know that's not really an excuse...