[JustMeMyself&I]

My head is one big mess and there is chaos everywhere- Its difficult to pinpoint specific things and think about them without having them mix in with others, and there are so many I just can't sometimes.

Anyway, this specific thought has been occupying my mind for a long long while, and I honestly don't know what to feel or think about it. In order to not make this post insanely long, I'm not going to get into too much detail and background information, but in short, I have been having problems for a long time- pretty much mainly emotional issues (I think).
I sometimes think about the times when I was little, and I have become the opposite tbh. I was totally always energetic, happy, silly, always being funny and joking around. Now I'm moody, grumpy, irritated, angry, miserable, isolated, sad, upset, empty etc. (You get the idea). I have no idea why this change happened- though I do think that it was actually really sudden. It wasn't a slow process that got worse. It just hit me one day, and it was instant and drastic. (Of course now it gets worse with time, but I mean the change itself, how it all happened)

Now, here is the point. The part I'm scared makes me wrong. It's really difficult to explain. I am aware that I am always negative (sad/angry/etc.) and I understand what that means; I just have a problem with negative feelings and thoughts. Normal people see that as a problem right? It needs to be fixed.

However, despite what that negativity is, for some strange reason I find comfort in it. Enjoyment and comfort aren't the right words but i feel like those are the closest existing words I could associate with my feelings. It feels like all that negativity is all that I have, all that I am. Not just a part of me.
I search for feelings of intense sadness.
Despite normally being miserable anyway, I listen to depressing music, watch depressing things, think about depressing things, just to make myself as depressed as humanly possible and to just cry and cry.
Like it usually happens when I go to bed. I lie there awake, and think in detail about death, my own death, my family member’s death, suffering, loneliness, and various philosophical questions. etc.
I mean, now it’s at the point where my mind automatically just goes straight to dark thoughts, and I can’t control it if I wanted to. However it’s not like I would want to and try to, anyway.

I get a weird feeling of comfort (???) and enjoyment (???) when I have those intense, negative emotions. It’s just impossible to describe in words.
Maybe it could be described as some sort of mental 'self-harm' or 'self-abuse' or something, but i don't want to put it in those words because it just sounds wrong and makes me feel awful.

And I thought about it just being ‘catharsis’, but it’s not. I feel like it’s what I have become and it’s what I am. It’s like I have embraced it and accepted it into my personality. That’s just me and it kind of defines me. It feels like the most significant feature of my personality and who I am as a person.

It’s so ironic because negativity itself is meant to feel awful, you’re meant to dislike it and avoid it. And yes of course, it is awful and painful, it’s complete darkness, but somehow at the same time it just feels so right.
And because if this, I don’t want to lose it, I don’t want to change away from this, because then I would feel wrong. I would not feel like myself, I just wouldn’t be able to cope. I wouldn’t be able to cope without ‘not coping’. See how wrong that sounds? But to me it’s so right, for some reason!! I don’t know why!!! I feel the need to be unstable in order to feel stable! Sounds insane!

So obviously, all this is basically like me saying “I don’t want help.” Doesn’t that make me sound wrong, and bad? It just doesn’t make sense! But it’s somehow right???

As you can see I am in a completely ****** state and I just want… I don’t know. Someone to discuss it with me, I guess. People to give me their opinions about this so maybe I can figure this **** out.



Anything. Please.

[Skeezyks]

Hello JustMeMyself&I: I'm sorry you are in such a state! Obviously, I have no idea what happened with you that turned you from being a happy person into the one you are today. But I will tell you that depression can be a very comforting place to be.

I'm not a psychologist. So I don't know the technicalities of this. But one aspect of depression is that desire to just sort-of pull your head under the covers & never come out. It can feel sort-of like a warm comfy cocoon. So, from my perspective, no... you don't sound "bad" or "wrong". You're simply struggling with what nearly every one of us who has depression struggles with... maybe all of us! It's SO much more inviting to just disappear into the woodwork, so to speak, than it is to get out there & fight!

The other thing that happens I believe is that, as time passes, pathways get worn into the brain kind-of like ruts in the streets. Your thoughts just keep rumbling down those same old pathways & after a while they can't get out. It's sort-of like cars that can't steer out of those ruts in the streets. The ruts have simply become too deep... too ingrained.

The unfortunate part of all of this is that you are the only person who can heal you. Other people can help. But you have to make the first move. You have to reach out, in real life, for the help you need & take an active roll in the healing process. You can choose not to do that, I guess. You can decide that you simply prefer to remain in that cocoon of depression where it feels safe & warm. That may work as long as you have others who are willing to take care of you & see to your needs. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately... depending on how you look at it) few of us have life situations that allow us to simply live out our lives in warm protective cocoons. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is how long can you stay hidden in that cocoon & what happens when you no longer can? I wish you well...

[eyesclosed]

hi u know what i think u probably are a very caring person so if u look at the negetive media from every where movies of lust, murder, corruption u feel it. shut all that off become your own person with out all media .

[crazykarmatalk]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello JustMeMyself&I: I'm sorry you are in such a state! Obviously, I have no idea what happened with you that turned you from being a happy person into the one you are today. But I will tell you that depression can be a very comforting place to be.

I'm not a psychologist. So I don't know the technicalities of this. But one aspect of depression is that desire to just sort-of pull your head under the covers & never come out. It can feel sort-of like a warm comfy cocoon. So, from my perspective, no... you don't sound "bad" or "wrong". You're simply struggling with what nearly every one of us who has depression struggles with... maybe all of us! It's SO much more inviting to just disappear into the woodwork, so to speak, than it is to get out there & fight!

The other thing that happens I believe is that, as time passes, pathways get worn into the brain kind-of like ruts in the streets. Your thoughts just keep rumbling down those same old pathways & after a while they can't get out. It's sort-of like cars that can't steer out of those ruts in the streets. The ruts have simply become too deep... too ingrained.

The unfortunate part of all of this is that you are the only person who can heal you. Other people can help. But you have to make the first move. You have to reach out, in real life, for the help you need & take an active roll in the healing process. You can choose not to do that, I guess. You can decide that you simply prefer to remain in that cocoon of depression where it feels safe & warm. That may work as long as you have others who are willing to take care of you & see to your needs. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately... depending on how you look at it) few of us have life situations that allow us to simply live out our lives in warm protective cocoons. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is how long can you stay hidden in that cocoon & what happens when you no longer can? I wish you well...

Sounds about right to me