[socialanx96]

First of all, I’m the only child of a single mother. I’m 19. She had me when she was 31, apparently trying to find fulfillment and purpose, with a guy she knew would never be there for us. While I think that’s pretty stupid, I forgive her for that and respect her decision. My childhood was tough for several reasons (esp. because I’m gay in a very evangelical town and family, I’m still in the closet but learned to hate myself. I really want to get out of here but I can’t at the moment), but she did a good job at providing everything I needed and giving me a relatively normal childhood. She also knows I’m gay and accepts it and I’m very thankful for that. I always thought of her as a great mom—I really looked up to her. But men have always been her soft spot. Or maybe not even men, but the idea of being in a relationship with one. It’s as if she needs it to feel alive. She got married at 16 and divorced at 18 (and she experienced humiliation by our community because of that. People said she only got married because she wanted to have sex, etc. and so she stopped being religious then). She proceeded to have several failed relationships. Growing up, I was really reluctant to meeting the guys she dated, and while she had a couple of boyfriends it was never serious enough. But then she met this guy, 8 years ago, and she’s still with him. She spends the weekends with him, and the weekdays at home. He’s verbally abusive, and has been since the beginning. I’m not sure if he’s physically abusive. I have noticed bruises, but she always denies it was him and has an excuse.
There was an incident yesterday that is really bothering me. One year ago, the guy had taken my mom’s car to get it fixed and gave her his car to use while it was in the shop. My mom has repeatedly asked for her car back since then, but he hasn’t given it to her saying that it still needs work. I find this might be a way to manipulate her—she needs a car, he took hers away and so she depends on him on this way. She has enough money, she doesn’t need his. But he made up this little scheme to make her think like she does without even realizing it. I was hoping to learn how to drive with my mom’s car, and so several weeks back she asked him to give her the car as it is again and we would get it fixed, but he refused. And so we decided I would just use his car. He called my mom while I was driving his car with an instructor and she told him what I was doing, and he got so mad he went to my house and started yelling all types of insults from outside, humiliating us in front of our neighbors. He called my grandmother on the phone to insult her, my mom, and me. My grandmother is very hurt. He was so mad I used his car to learn how to drive. And perhaps I’d get it if he hadn’t had such a terrible reaction. And if it had been the first time. This was not the first time he went to my house and started yelling at us. We even have a restriction because one time he thought our maid was stealing clothes from him (yes, he gets free laundry services by being in a relationship with my mom) and made a scene and started yelling slurs at her. They had to call the police. I was at a college a few hours away when that happened, but I transferred to a school near our house. And several times before that, he did the same. When my mom wouldn’t pick up the phone for whatever reason, he would stalk her in several ways, including calling me, my grandmother, and texting us insults if we didn’t reply. 
My mom’s no saint either. She’s very jealous—to the point she would spy on him. And even when we have been at this very position so many times, dozens, she still goes back to him every time. She keeps him in our lives, in mine. I don’t want that. I hate it. I hate her because of it. And I don’t want to. I’ve lived through several traumatic experiences because of her relationship with him. At one point, he called me from their apartment telling me he was kicking her out and she refused to leave, and I sat in my room worried all night, eventually going to their place to get her home. I’ve seen and heard him tell her she’s a “****ing *****” countless times. The rest of our family is such a perfect little fairy tale, which makes me so miserable and envious, because ours could be so much better if she just had the guts to put us first. She puts her need of having a man (and it’s not even because of the sex, because he’s old) before our home’s stability. I try to understand that, and her, but it’s so difficult. She has been humiliated a lot because of the bad decisions she’s made. So maybe that’s why? She’s been pressured into feeling guilty for not having the family she was raised to have by her parents, so perhaps that’s why she’s so obsessed with having a partner? Because she’s always been told that her purpose in life is to get married and have children?
After what happened yesterday, I don’t know what to do. I can’t reach out to the rest of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins) because I feel like while they really care about me, they wouldn’t if they knew I was gay (because they lead movements against everything gay). And while I don’t want to think she would, my mom could use that against me if they ever confronted her. And I fear they might be more concerned with that if they knew than with the real problems at our house. I have a few friends, but none close enough to share all of this. So I have no one. My grandmother lives with us, but just like me, she’s broken.
I’m sharing all of this because I need advice on what to do, how to manage this situation. I told her I don’t want this to happen again. It always does, though. I always tell her it makes me miserable to have to go through all of that. And I’m starting to hate her. Should I? She puts us in this situation. Can’t she find a guy who is respectful? And if she doesn’t, why can’t she just be on her own? Rely on her brothers and their families, whom she loves so much? It’s not like this guy takes any weight off of her shoulders, except perhaps the fact that he makes her feel like she’s in a relationship, albeit a disastrous one. He makes her life more difficult. There’s something really wrong with her. She seems to have no love for herself. She wants to be in that relationship. She doesn’t seem to understand how demeaning it is to her.
In many ways, she’s a great mom. Except for this, and it feels right now like none of the good things matter. Should they? I already battle with anxiety and depression, and she knows that. And yet she still puts me through all of this. Should I be compassionate of her?
She’s said she doesn’t enjoy being at home. I told her I’m ok with her moving out if she wants to. She told me she would if I wanted her to. I told her it’s her decision. I know that if she stays, I’ll still have to be witness to her boyfriend’s abuse. And I just have a hard time not bringing it up. And I just despise her because she can’t just let go of him, even if I do try not to.

I know this is long, and if you’ve read all of it, I really appreciate it and any advice you can give me.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Maybe you can talk to the pastor of your church ?
Show her lots of support and love.

[kecanoe]

Unfortunately there is probably nothing you can do to help your mom. She is the one who will have to make the decision to split up with this jerk.

But it might be a good idea to get yourself away from all this. If you are not in the midst of all the chaos and abuse, you will be more able to help your mom if she decides to leave him.

[socialanx96]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Maybe you can talk to the pastor of your church ?
Show her lots of support and love.

Did you even read my post??? I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, the answer is unhelpful though. I don't go to church.

[socialanx96]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Unfortunately there is probably nothing you can do to help your mom. She is the one who will have to make the decision to split up with this jerk.

But it might be a good idea to get yourself away from all this. If you are not in the midst of all the chaos and abuse, you will be more able to help your mom if she decides to leave him.

You're right. I'll stay as far as I can from their issues. I have, actually. It's just him that will get me and my grandmother involved in whatever ways he can. I don't want to ask her to leave the house--it might make her feel as if she needs her boyfriend even more than now. I will also try to transfer to a different school next semester, so I can just leave all of this behind, though I probably still won't be able to. I don't want to leave my grandmother all alone. But it's just too painful to watch her do this to herself and our family, and it's holding me back from living a fulfilling life.