[Blackstonewell]

I have had this friend for about six years. I'd shared all my secrets, all my stories, and all my shortcomings to her. She was my best friend and I fell in love with her and her with me last year. I saw how we were so very different, we really couldn't be more different than we were. I totaled nearly 115 things we neither agreed on nor shared in common interests. In spite of these things, I tried to pedestal her and treated her like she was heaven sent. I needed a woman to love and would give me that in return. I spent money on her, spent more time with her than my family, almost every night for years. What I realized was how narcissistic she was, when I would talk about myself she would always redirect it back to herself. In addition, when I would talk about how bad something was she would always call me names that emasculated me “pussy” “*****boy” etc. I had low self-esteem and revered her because of what she looked like.

As we have broken up and she’s gone back to her merry chaos of this boyfriend and that one on the side, the fog around me of denial of how I felt about her has lifted. I feel liberated from her constant abuse and degradation, I feel good about it. It is like I can breathe and rediscover myself without her shadow hanging over me and running myself down. When I see her though, I have this intense hatred of her. The weird thing is I don’t know if she even knows how I feel about it or about her. For my healing, should I tell her how I feel in a last stand, or should I just cut her out of my life completely and moving on without ever explaining to her what I was going through with her? I am not sure what to do. I mean do I think telling her will change anything? No. I told myself things would work out romantically with her and felt obligated to do right by her even though she never supported me on anything in two years. She would always tell me, “no, do this or wear that” she tried mightily to change me. I did it because I didn’t know how to stand up to her. By the way, I’m a verbal abuse survivor from my childhood and teen years, not surprisingly. She has nothing to offer that adds anything positive to my life.

Should I tell her why I'm leaving or should I just cut her out of my life altogether without a word? Which is correct to do?

[Gojamadar]

Hi,

Should I tell her why I'm leaving or should I just cut her out of my life altogether without a word? Which is correct to do?

The best way to go is a polite "Godbye" The worst for her would be a complete indifference to her! Not a complete ignorance, but treat her like a casual aquaintance.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think explaining her why you don't want to have anything to do with her anymore can work.. but you don't have to. You can cut contacts with her if you wish, considering how she treated you.. I don't think you owe her an explanation.

It's your choice.

[baseline]

I think you should just move on. Good for you Blacbstonewell! You deserve better and if she is truly like you say your explanations will not matter. The good news is that you can see her for what she is, that is healthy.

I think a clear closure would be better for both of you. Just let her know, calmly, what she made you feel like and why you are leaving. Regardless of how she takes it or reacts to it, you move on. You already feel better without her and it`s great that you could take the step and move on.
But, in my experience, having a closure is always better than an abrupt ending.

[gayleggg]

I would just let it go and let her go without talking about it. I'm afraid that talking to her about would just give her the chance to lash out at you one last time. I think you can do without that.

[leejosepho]

^^agreed^^

Originally Posted by Blackstonewell

For my healing, should I tell her how I feel in a last stand...explaining to her what I was going through with her?
...do I think telling her will change anything? No.

You have your own answer there. Telling her will accomplish nothing, and you would not even be successful in trying to find some kind of closure by "telling her off", so to speak. Right now you are just giving her rent-free space in your brain while she has already moved on along...so just say nothing and keep going in the other direction.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Whether or not she "gets it" doesn't really matter. What matters is that there is clear closure. Before the relationship there was a 6yr friendship as well. So this was a long meaningful relationship overall. I don't know both sides so all I can advise is that the right path is the one that is consistent with your core values. Forget all the bull, how would you want to be treated at the end of a relationship? How would you feel if someone just cut you out of tgeir life after 6 yrs without any explaination? You may not get the cathartic response you want from her ever. But it seems to me that your desire to just ignore saying your piece is coming from a place of anger, "bitter medicine" so to speak. It might feel good in the moment, but in the long run it does no one any good. My advise say your piece, then block her out. Then you can move forward without any regret.