[here today]

I'm finally getting OK, I think. Sort of. It's been a horrible struggle. So many times T's didn't "get it" and I didn't know they didn't "get it" because. . .well, who knows for sure. I just didn't. So then I got bad advice that I acted on, making things worse and had no clue knowing what to look for or ask for when I went to the next T. The things I thought I needed, like better socialization and social skills, they don't have any services for. Several times I called a center that helps young people with autistic spectrum disorders and even though I don't have that, I had something like it because a lot of social emotions got numbed out in my childhood. Nobody ever even called me back.

So now I'm getting OK but feel unacceptable because of all the times I was socially unacceptable AND COULDN'T HELP IT or DIDN'T KNOW. Yes, gobs of folks won't understand that but. . .

Blaming myself all those times didn't help with getting a handle on what was going on. Now, maybe, I am sometimes.

I feel like the shame around all that NEEDS TO GO. But. . .I'm all alone, because all the people, even my last T, shame me because of all of that. . .

I learned to control bad impulses as a child by shaming myself, as I had been shamed. So therapy said "get in touch with your feelings and express them". And then shames me again because I would do just that in an unsocialized way!!!!

I HAD a way not to be socially unacceptable -- numb out the unacceptable feelings/impulses. So my situation isn't like the people with impulse control issues, EVEN IF MY EXPRESSIONS look the same when I allow them ON!!!

Therapists have been clueless and I have been hurt by, surprise!, DOING AS I'M TOLD. OK, in the background somewhere, unbeknownst to the "regular" me is a little someone who had a clue. But she's the source of "unacceptable" ideas like "Mom is not perfect", "there's a weakness in that person over there", "stab them in the back"!! Who wants that, of course!!!

But, finally, those feelings and impulses are mine, I don't have to act on them, they can inform my actions and perception of social situations. Great result! AFTER 50 YEARS THOUGH!!!

And I'm very, very pissed at all the years and all the missteps that weren't mine but the people I was paying to help me and so that LAST THING FOR ME TO DO before becoming a "normal" is to say:

F U therapists! I finally got here but all the C...P I went through -- unnecessary C. . .P if you all could just learn how to learn from your clients and accept mistakes as data for improvement!

The SHAME ON YOU, not me!

I paid my money, got hurt by bad therapists, stuck it out for 50 YEARS!!!! Good grief, how long society expects people to go through this in order to be acceptable!

I also feel bummed at society at large for all of this, but society can't know how bad the mental health system is. And those of us who feel this way have to get better enough in order to tell them.

My anger is with the profession. It's justified, I think.

I've urged people to do this before. I honestly don't think therapy carried out over an indefinite time period will work as well as one that takes place over a pre-agreed upon amount of time. How, I wonder, can one establish goals and expectations with out a measurable limit of time? How on earth can there be accountability for both client and professional?

No. I believe a time frame needs to be established and within that time frame boundaries, expectations, and goals. They should be realistic and measurable. SImilarly, the therapist should clearly set out what the criteria of success looks like. Finally, they need to set out the responsibilities expected of the client to work to achieve those goals and their own responsibilities in the process.

I am not trying to infer that you never did your part. What I am instead trying to infer is that it seems all the professionals in your life have failed you in the above regard.

[eyesclosed]

What is socially exceptable ? Who makes this important? The T or u I think your over thinking because your focus is on others and not what you and who you are. I was fortunate with my last T she never said you have to go out more put yourself in more places to make friends. I don't know if it makes sense but with all the media are they setting the standards ?