[voncloft]

I am going to be 30 this year - and I am just a lost cause.
My mind currently has these problems on its plate:

I work at a job - and I am beginning to "jump ship" (business is starting to go down badly) - so I am a bit nervous and trying to fix the problem by getting another job - and I am beginning to realize why I hate the job hunt. It is soul crushing, you need x amount of years experience wise, you need 3-5 different certificates and degrees, and if you do get a phonecall for an interview they say we will call and let you know, leaving you out in the cold of rejection and having to look for another job!!!!

I hate myself sexually - more importantly what turns me on sexually. Vanilla sex just doesn't do it (normal sex between man and woman) now it is basically extreme, wtf? am I looking at - kind of porn (e.g. Alot of hentai, lots of messed up roleplaying roles with horrible situations at hand (like incest, rape, and other disturbing scenes that I would never act out in real life)) and after I finish I just hate myself swaring I will never look at this again....but give it 2 weeks and I am back at it again hating myself even more.

I question myself - why the ***** am I here, life is pointless - my life is about 1/2 to 1/3 over and I haven't done anything with it - and in 300 years nobody will even know who I am or care, amongst with the rest of humanity that is alive at this point and time so why the hell is anyone alive for that matter?

I have lost all joy of life and frankly (I am not suicidal death actually terrifies me) I am waiting to just die.

I think the ideal fix would be to get a high paying stable job (I have an associates degree in I.T.), go see a psychiatrist and get good drugs such as luvox and everything would be "okay" or atleast better, but that first step seems so difficult, at times I wish I could just win the lottery and reinvest my winnings so I wouldn't have to put up with the damn work life.

I feel miserable most of the time in my life and don't know what to do except keep plugging away, I am considering getting my resume rewritten professionally - and 'try' my luck by putting it on indeed and monster

Any help or advice?

[Skeezyks]

Hello voncloft: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Without going into detail I will just say that what you described in your post is familiar to me. I don't really have any advice or suggestions for you. But I wanted to let you know I read your post & I wish you well...