[str8uptruthandlove]

I'm trying to stay positive, despite what seems like everything going wrong. Okay, positive...positive... Sorry in advance for the following rant...

My food stamp card came today. I got a letter saying my benefits will be cut off after 3 months unless I attend this FoodShare Employment and Training program 80 hours a month. So, it's a government-mandated job, I get "paid" by being allowed to keep the benefits I literally JUST got... Still fail to see how this propaganda program will actually help me, but I haven't attended it yet. Stay tuned to see how that turns out.

I've put in dozens of job applications, still haven't heard anything at all beyond the generic, automated "thanks for your interest, we'll let you know" email after I finish each application. Trying not to lose hope. I've even applied to jobs that sound like the equivalent of mental torture, because I'm desperate. I've debated going on disability, I've been told I'd qualify, since my MI's and hospitalizations are well documented in my medical file. However, long story short, I'm worried certain family members will try to bully me into getting a job. They equate being dependent on government benefits with becoming Nora (a very distant "relative" who basically used welfare as an excuse to sit on her butt and do nothing useful, abusing her kids all the while and being an all-around waste of air). My brother made that comparison today. I do NOT want to be like Nora in any way.

My car was repossessed a couple weeks ago. The same day, I found out I'd be getting a $4,000 tax refund. Well, long story short, half of that was confiscated instantly, to pay off IRS debts in the form of back taxes. Okay, fine. Gets one monkey off my back. Then the rest was confiscated by my bank to go towards the car loan I haven't been able to make payments on; so I'm still being punished for choosing a ridiculously overpriced car that I don't even get to use anymore. I wish I'd chosen to have the tax return sent to me via paper check. So many regrets these days...

Yes, I'm whining. Oh well. I guess I'm trying to figure out when things will stop going wrong. Life has rarely been easy for me, but since going off my meds in December it's gotten worse, FAST. I was finally approved for my state's version of "free" healthcare (let's call it Obamacare just to save time, yes I know that's getting replaced). The HMO I wanted is full, I know literally nothing about any other HMO since I can only ever remember having coverage through Dean.

Forgive my rambling please. This is my way of sorting out the muddled, racing thoughts in my stupid brain. I could've put this in a Word document, but I post on here for the feedback (and support, of course). My biggest obstacle is the very thing in my skull that I (unfortunately) can't live without. Depression and irrational anger seem to sabotage me at every turn. It's ridiculous, I know logically the only person I'm hurting is myself. But insomnia and a sub-par sleeping medication keep me in a fairly regular state of agitation and frustration. Remron is the only medication I still take daily, and it's become quite a disappointment. I know I need other, more effective, medications. I'm working on it.

This is what I need to do, in no particular order: Call each of the HMO's I'm allowed to choose from, find a psychiatrist who can help me (how can I tell if they're equipped to help me over the phone??); attend this silly FSET program at my scheduled time on Thursday, try my best not to scream at the woman (I'm assuming this Morgan is a female) who's been given my case, poor unfortunate soul; and make a decision to either bite the bullet and apply for disability, or keep trying to find a job. Who knows? Maybe this silly mandated employment program will actually help me! Ha! (Stay positive, stay positive...)

I'm aware that I'm rambling and venting and desperately trying to make sense out of my thoughts as if I were literally grasping at straws, trying not to drown. As always, advice or simply affirmations are welcome. I'm trying to hold on to my spirituality, but since that too is confusing and too broad to make sense of, I'm afraid it's not much comfort these days. Thanks for reading, and take good care.

[Puella Non-Grata]

Doesn't it just suck? It's easy to look at everything going wrong. It's like a noise in your head making it hard to hear the things going right. It get so loud your head hurts. You sound like you have a lot on your plate. Youre doing more than I could for myself. XD I would have just said "ok **** it" and burry my head in pillows.

[Naynay99]

Hey. Your post didn't sound like rambling to me. And venting can help sometimes.
I'm sorry I don't really have any good advise in regards to the problems u are dealing with. I applaud you trying to stay positive. I'm afraid I have lost that ability right now.
But I just wanted to say that I hear you and am hoping things turn around for u soon.
Hang in there.

[MickeyCheeky]

No need to feel guilty about venting - it can be really helpful.

I'm sorry you're struggling so badly. Please, don't give up yet, I know it's hard

[Thunder Bow]

You are handling this very well. Welcome to the world of Donald Trump.