I came to the West to get my doctorate degree, and in the process I immigrated. My parents from the beginning didn't want me to immigrate and stay abroad although it is better for me. But they don't think of me, they think of themselves only. Every time I talk to them they make me feel guilty. I think the way they talk to me makes me feel more depressed and angry. I mainly remember the abuse right after talking to them because they are masters in making me feel bad and the worst person on Earth.

I was waiting from them a word like: "we want you to live your life and be happy" to set me free. But no, all they say how awful they feel and how lonely they are. Once my father told me he and my mother were crying because they didn't have any one (they have my siblings, but no one feels close to them because of their aggressiveness and disrespect toward us, and their social life is almost non existent because of their rigid mentality). I don't know if this is how parents treat their children or it is just my parents. They brought me in this life and expect me to stay around them and be servant for their wishes, although they disrespect and abuse me all the time. I don't feel comfortable or peaceful around them, especially around my mother (I suspect she is a narcissist because she thinks the whole world revolves around her).

I am not holding them to have a social life and activities. They should have their own life independent from us. The way they treated me has made me decide not to have children. I don't want to have children who feel as awful as I have. Stay away from them you might say. But the guilt feeling is as powerful as the hatred. My father almost died from cancer when we were very little, and had he died, probably I wouldn't have been where I am now. My mother doesn't have the education or the skills to work, and probably we would have ended poor and uneducated. But why does it have to be either this or that? I wish I can feel free from these feelings because I feel trapped between them.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Mr. Stranger,

It's good that you are venting these emotional challenges, that is important when it comes to working through them so you can finally "let go". I think that when you vent about what happens when you call your parents it's important so you have a place where others can validate that when you reach out your hand, your parents only slap it and talk about themselves. Unfortunately there a too many that "do" have parents that are like that.

You have a right to your own life and your own happiness. If a parent doesn't say things to you to support that, then they don't really know how to be a "good" parent. A lot of people become parents and have no idea what good parenting is all about and it's certainly doesn't mean one has children in order to have these children parent them and wait on them. A lot depends on the generation one's parents are from too.

I am sorry that you are "hurt" whenever you try to connect with your parents.

[Skeezyks]

My parents have been gone for quite a few years now. I was an only child. And my mother in particular clung to me. I had an opportunity to move out of state to attend school. I took it & only went back for a couple of brief visits.

I don't know why parents seem to feel that their children owe them. It's not like any of us asked to be brought into this world. And it's not our jobs, as offspring, to entertain our parents. It's our jobs, once we become adults, to go out & build lives of our own. And it's up to parents to take care of themselves. At least that's my opinion.

I also feel a twinge of guilt now-&-then for having left my parents behind. But not that much & not that often. What had to be done, had to be done...

[dlantern]

I am sorry. This can be a tough topic for me as well. I just try to accentuate the positive and keep boundaries so that I can least have them for some part of me for fulfill because they are we're I came from.

[bornunderabadsign]

Good parents want what is best for their children even if it causes them pain. You should be yourself and do what you want to do and shouldn't have to worry about how the feel about you. You are not the whole of your parents world and if you are it isn't your fault it is the fault of you parents. They need to learn to live their own lives and not be dependent on you as a source of social engagement.

My parents especially my mother have a bad habit of trying to live through me so I can relate in a way. My father was and still is a control freak in his own way and has tried unsuccessfully to turn me into the person he wishes he could have been.

The best thing you can do is just tell your parents that you need to live your own life and if they want to be apart of that then they need to understand you need your independence. If they can't understand that then you need to divorce yourself from the situation for awhile and let them come to terms with their own problems.

I don't want to cut them off (I did it before and felt very bad about it), but they also don't want me to have my own life. I want for us to have clear boundaries. To have my own life, for them theirs, and we interact based on that. But my parents think they own me like a slave and I owe them. They keep guilt tripping me all the time. I wouldn't mind going home if I knew I would enjoy their company and feel free to express my gratitude and live my life as I wish (they try to control me and I am thousands of miles away). But they are very negative and intrude in others' lives all the time and want you to express gratitude against your will. I have married siblings and they keep intruding in their lives as if they are not responsible adults who have their own families and lives. The other day I asked my father "how are you today?" (he had a minor health setback), he replied "very bad". How do you expect a child will feel when his/her father says something like that? He likes to make us feel bad and guilty, I know his techniques.

[bornunderabadsign]

If you cut them off for a while that may be the very thing that pushes them to accept your independence. You don't owe them anything. They made the choice to bring you into this world of their own volition not the other way around. You are your own person and you can live your own life. If they use guilt to make you do what they want they are using you and that is not healthy. They are your parents but they are not your keepers. They do not own you and you should live your life the best way possible with them or without them if you must.

[Open Eyes]

I have some challenges going on with my parents too, only in my case my challenge is with my older sister who is very controlling and bossy. I avoid seeing my parents now because of how my sister has them living with her and she hovers to a point where it's very triggering not only for me but also my parents.

I don't want to be triggered and feel the way I do when I make the effort to go and visit my parents. I had a bad day yesterday because I struggle with guilt about avoiding that entire situation because of how I end up getting hurt and even worse is how I see the way my parents also get upset. Last night my husband said, "OE, that is how your sister makes everyone feel, on edge which is why I did not like going to her house on the holidays, and why my parents wouldn't go there either". My mother in law was finally honest with me about why she always declined invitations to go to gatherings. She was honest with me when she listened to me vent about how difficult it has been. She told me that when they did go my sister was mean to them once and they just felt too on edge around her. I have been slowly learning that is how everyone feels about my sister, including my parents that are at the point where they are completely under my sister's control.

As hard as it can be, it's important to try to separate your parents out to see them as how they are as people. Your parents push people away because they are so controlling and critical which is why their other children don't like having them around either. I bet your siblings feel the same way you do and even wish they lived away from your parents like you do.

I have finally realized how my entire life I always felt like someone was standing over me, I always felt like I had to look over my shoulder. I finally realized where that comes from, especially when I visited my parents the last time. I was more aware and sure enough, my sister was hovering and I realized how she had always been that way with me since I was very little. She is four years older and that really makes a difference in children.

Well, that can happen with parents too, parents that have a presence where they stand over their children in a "critical" and "controlling" way can create that "ghost" of feeling like someone is watching and judging and at any moment will "fault" and "criticize". When you struggle, and it sounds like your siblings also struggle, with the way you feel after connecting with your parents, even over the phone, this is how your parents ALWAYS made you feel.

We get our sense of self in our childhood even when we don't know any different. The things our parents say and do over us, if they have too much negative and so little nurturing can set the tone of how we develop our sense of "self" esteem.

If there is a negative presence standing over us, be it a parent or a sibling, it can set the tone of how we can feel about ourselves the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, this can be something that is handed down in families, which is why you don't want to be a parent yourself. However, sometimes a parent will remember their own feelings and make sure they don't create that challenge in their children. A parent has a general goal of wanting their child to do better than they did, unfortunately, a lot of parents go about that completely the wrong way which results in their child having problems with "stress and anxiety" rather than developing "healthy" self esteem of "their own".

What your posts reveal to me is that your parents were not only too critical and controlling with you and your siblings, but they left you with feeling you "owe" them and the conversations you and your siblings have with them are STILL presenting all of you with criticisms instead of recognizing you as adults that are striving on their own and no longer need that old style criticism that really should have not been there in the first place.

A lot of the challenges different individuals have is how they struggle with turning their anger inward. I have been challenged this way myself, and I have noticed I feel this the worst after being around my older sister. There are people that "guilt trip" others and those are the kind of people to stay away from, but to also in a way where you understand "why" and that it's not healthy for you.

Just wanted to add that parents are not always like this.

When reading your post I remembered a special father I knew many years ago, he was widowed when his children were very young. With the help of his sister he brought them up in a loving caring home while working fulltime.

When I came to his daughter's birthday party it was full of children older than me - I was a shy little girl, he quietly took me over to this little table he had made for me - it was so sweet of him and even as a 4 year old child I knew he was a very kind thoughtful man. That small action that day has stayed with me the last 40 years.

He has been dead many years now, before he died he sold the family home and moved into a small flat so the money would go straight to his girls (teenagers by this point). Every single action that man made was for his family without expectation of return.

I think of him often, particularly when I hear stories about children who were not so lucky with their parents. I am sorry you have not been lucky with the parents you were born to. It was not your fault you were unlucky. I understand why you fear parenthood and maybe even connection with others too because of this experience. Love is giving without expectations it does not guilt trip.

[Open Eyes]

That was nice of that man prefabspout and after all these years you still remember that.

You know that saying, "you may not remember exactly what someone says, but you always remember how a person makes you feel".

That is the affect your parents have on you "and" your siblings, doesn't really matter what they say, they always leave you and siblings feeling "bad".

I taught a lot of children how to ride and I specialized in teaching young children and the one thing I focused on the most was that they ALWAYS walked away from me feeling "good" about themselves. When I run into these children years later, they always WANT to talk to me and I can see that glow in their eyes and that comes from them remembering me as such a positive presence for them. That is more important to me then how well they mastered riding.

From what I read in your venting you tend to be torn between what is right and yet having to deal with how you are left feeling whenever you "try" to do what is right. I can relate because of what I struggle with when I WANT to see my parents and yet the way my sister leaves me feeling is just awful. It took me a long time to realize how far back that went for me, unfortunately all the way back where it left me with a ghost I never realized I had.

I think the "key" is getting to a point where you can actually identify what you need to let go of. I have noticed you are trying very hard to figure out how to do just that. A lot of the members struggling on this site are trying to figure that out.

Sometimes I think it can be harder for men because many men are raised to be embarrassed about having emotions. They often get that "man up" when what they really need is "help" to understand their emotions. So, often these men end up struggling with a lot of anger and may turn that anger inwards for lack of knowing what to do with it.

"Admitting pain humbles us to the reality of our personal histories and our present conditions. We no longer have to pretend we are something that we are not." ~ Steven Franssen, Make Self-Knowledge Great Again

Thanks all for the replies. This topic is very challenging for me because my parents don't want to listen or understand how we feel. Yes, all my siblings feel the same way, but no one dares to challenge them because they become defensive and more aggressive, and begin to blame us and accuse us for being ungrateful. They think they are the best parents ever, and no one can change their view of themselves. I've tried many times to tell them I have my own life, but I keep repeating this because they don't listen.

I guess I wasn't lucky in the sense that my parents haven't given me the freedom to develop my character. They suppressed me all the time because my father thought that we don't have to repeat his mistakes. But that's exactly why we are not sociable and strong in life. There is a scene in the series Lost where John Locke brings Charlie (a heroin addict) to an emerging moth from a cocoon. John told Charlie that he could take his knife and help the moth emerging, but this would make the moth very weak to live. This scene resonated with me because I think my father used his "knife" to help me emerge from my "cocoon". He thought he helped me, but actually he didn't. On the contrary he harmed me and my siblings for being overprotective. My father has always told us that people are out there to get you which I think has affected how we viewed people and the interaction with them.

As I mentioned before, financially my father has made everything available to us, but I've always felt that in return he wants us to sell our freedom and lives for him. That he wanted to live through us the life that he hasn't. My mother is naive when it comes to struggles in life because she has never worked and has no idea what is right and wrong outside the home, but she is the most difficult person on earth to deal with if you sit with her. She wants everything to be about her. Even if someone asks me a question when we are sitting together like when I'm visiting, she jumps to answer. She doesn't allow anyone to talk. As I said, I am certain 95% that she is a narcissist.

I just want to mention this story because it keeps haunting me. Once we invited the priest for a lunch at our home when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old, and while my parents are busy serving the lunch in the kitchen, I told the priest a story on the table, I forgot what it was, but I remember that the priest was impressed, and thus he told my father what I told him. Immediately my father took off his belt from around his waist and wanted to hit me with it, but the priest intervened and prevented him with surprise on his face. I'm not sure why he wanted to hit me and what I said and even if I felt bad at the time, but every time I remember this incident I feel so mad and angry and frustrated. He has always felt the urge to "discipline" us, whether with his tongue or by his belt or hand. Sometimes I try to give them a pass that maybe they are/were ignorant, but others I cannot. It a simple empathy and sympathy act to treat children gently. I don't understand how parents could be aggressive with their most fragile children.

It's true now I am very careful with children not to hurt them, and my niece and nephew love me because I always talk to them nice and make them feel good about themselves (mostly we talk on Skype). I have other reasons why I do not want to bring children in this life, but the idea of them suffering for whatever cause (be it the upbringing, diseases, natural disasters, ... etc) is the underlying reason.

Anyway, I've been struggling in the last couple of months in finding a job and I feel socially isolated, so, I'm planning to go home for a while, but I'm not planning to stay. My biggest mistake was that I didn't get married before I immigrated. I wouldn't leave if I were married, and probably I would have done better because my social isolation has brought me to my knees so to speak.

I have no words for the priest story other than maybe that was the moment you realised your home life was not usual.

Do you have plans/strategies in place for your home visit? Can you stay with someone other than your parents? A sibling maybe?

My plan is to limit my contact with them as much as possible, and to get out from there as soon as possible. We live in a small town, and if I stayed somewhere else other than my parents' home, the society would begin judging me as rebellious and disrespectful and ungrateful. It's a complicated issue to deal with such problems. The sense of community is still strong in my culture, and the emphasis is on the family rather than on the individual.

[Lolina]

Hi Mr Stranger,
I have had a somewhat similar childhood apart it's only from my mother's side. My parents separated when she was pregnant. My father is a calm and nice person. My mother is very controlling, abusive and thinks me and my sister should be grateful because she had to work to feed us and take care of us.
She always reproached me the fact I was a very sick baby and she had to pay for doctors, hospitals and emergency while she had to manage work and medicine as well. Once I told her you should have let me die then.
At the difference of you, I cut ties with her and some parts of the family under her influence. I don't tolerate abuse from anybody.
From the family I am from people have difficulties with boundaries and even my sisters have chosen partners who doesn't make them happy and it's sad.
I am single now and really take my time in the dating world, and try to seek therapy to get better. Sometimes I miss my ex boyfriend as I have the impression he was the only person who really knew me.

Prefab: what a lovely story you tell about this man. Kind individuals like that show what as a human being we should strive for.

[Lolina]

One more thing Mr Stranger, if it's not life threatening, you shouldn't care about what other people say or do. The general society or your village should care about their business. Put yourself first, when people think you are too nice and you always try to arrange things they tend to get advantage of you.

[Marylin]

I had parents who were very strict and controlling we were treated like slaves to fetch and carry for them and told what to do who we could see etc They behaved like they owned us.My father would get violent and physically hit us if we disobeyed him.He died when I was 16,since then I spend 35 years being verbally,emotionally and psychologically,physically abused by my sister who is a narcissist.My mother is also to a lesser degree a narcissist.She has always continued to treat me as a source to fill her needs,physical and emotional needs,she manipulates and makes me guilty and tells me off as if I am still a child, the more you do for her the more she expects and she doesn't see if I am ill and need a rest she only demands more.I get exhausted.

Two years four months ago I cut my sister out off my life,my mother and I fell out over it and I cut her out of my life for 3 months without talking to her,seeing her or telephoning her.No contact.Since then she has been kinder and less demanding,she saw I managed perfectly well without her and didn't need her and she lost her hold over me.I think she realises I am a person in my own right and that she has better be kinder to me and less demanding or else I will cut her off completely like I have my sister.

Mr Stranger you can ring your parents less often and stress to them that you are an adult responsible for yourself and not for them.You can explain that their expectations are too high,that you have made your life in another country and that they have no right to make demands that you be there for them.You do not owe them and they don't own you and you are not their personal slave.They can hire help if they need it.Don't feel guilty because you owe it to yourself to live your life on your own terms and if you must have a relationship with your parents then make sure they are not overwhelming you with emotional blackmails cos that isn't right or fair.I agree with the other poster who said cutting them off for 3-6 months might make them appreciate you and treat you with more respect like it did with my mother who is more respectful now!Good Luck with this,know that you are not alone and many of us have this issue with family and parents specifically.

[Marylin]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

My plan is to limit my contact with them as much as possible, and to get out from there as soon as possible. We live in a small town, and if I stayed somewhere else other than my parents' home, the society would begin judging me as rebellious and disrespectful and ungrateful. It's a complicated issue to deal with such problems. The sense of community is still strong in my culture, and the emphasis is on the family rather than on the individual.

I know how this feels I was in exactly the same situation,my culture completely dominated my life to the extent I was not an individual but had a female role to play withing the context of family and extended family.Rules had to be obeyed and servitude to the male authority figures in the family was expected,no individual choice or freedom was allowed.I was isolated and lonely and had no love or respect from other family members.It was very hard,I never want to go back there,or if I am born again next life I never want to belong to another culture with such strict rules,it totally demolishes any sense of self,individuality,creativity and freedom.No thanks rather not!Family are not worth it be cause I was only ever used by them and never given any love or rights of my own.Horrendous,a nightmare to live through.The community only exists to serve the eldest members and youth are used as slave labour in family businesses.Marriages were arranged and relationships with those outside the culture forbidden and violently opposed.

[it'sgrowtime]

Mr stranger, your "voice" is really coming through on these posts. I am always impressed by your efforts to understand and overcome obstacles.

i can relate to your struggle of feeling like you should be submissive, grateful, and patient to your parents. So many times I have suffered with shame from the manipulative attitudes of my parents. I was so accustomed to it, I couldn't think or feel in a way to help myself. "if I feel bad, I'm bad" is a disabling belief I learned from my mom. My parents made me feel powerless when I needed to be empowered. I tried to ignore my mom's beliefs and methods, and my father's actions, by going numb or indifferent, like they had no bearing on me. That didn't work. Their choices impacted me greatly. Ive come to understand how dangerous a parent can be to their child's sense of self, etc. I have worked so hard, like you have, to understand and overcome these holes in my confidence. And I work tirelessly to ensure my children have confidence, and know how to problem solve.

Parents can use culture or religion, etc, as an excuse to justify their senseless, cruel actions. I have empathy for your struggle to try to get along with your parents. It's impossible to make a relationship feel right and good..when it's actually an unhealthy dynamic. Believe in what makes sense. Parents who erode their children do need help to be healthier people. But, I don't think their children are the people that can help them or change them.

Thank you for your post. May Peace be with you during your visit. You matter and this is YOUR life.

Thanks all for the replies. I just wanted to mention that my father is very invested in us. He thinks he hasn't lived his life for us to live (although no one forced him to do that or even to bring us to this life and thus to give up his own life for his children). My older brother got married against his will and my father was so mad and frustrated that I was afraid he would get a heart attack, because when he talked about the topic his face was becoming black and blue from the anger.

Once I was strict with him because he keeps texting and calling me, which annoys me a lot, and he began to cry, and I've never seen him crying (except in some funerals). As I said, my father is very invested in us (I wish he wasn't because now he has expectations from us) and thinks we are ungrateful and abandoning him, which isn't true, but he is afraid of that, I guess. I just don't want to cause him a heart attack or a paralyzing stroke by cutting him off. I feel guilty already, but if he died or something happened to him because of me, I wouldn't forgive myself.

All my siblings are good children and nice and polite, and all people know that about them, but the way my parents deal with us make us react negatively to them. The atmosphere between us is not positive at all. I am sure they would be more satisfied if they gave us some room and freedom to be ourselves. But to no avail. I wonder if they would ever realize this!!

I think, as evolved animals, human's offspring still seek a blessing from authority (i.e., their parents). Little children always look to their parents (particularly their moms) to get approval before they do anything new. It's instinctive. I guess we keep doing this in a way or another unless our parents teach us deliberately to be independent and that we don't need approval from them, at least when we become adult. That's why I think it is important for parents to actively encourage their children to have their own lives to avoid the feeling of guilt for the children, and this includes for parents to have their own active social life as a live evidence that parents are independent from their children. But if parents sit at home alone and have no social life whatsoever and look sad and keep complaining all the time, they are harming their children and limit their lives and potentials. I think I learned so much as child how to be a (potential) parent. I definitely need some advice from my father because he is older than me and knows more than me in life, I just want to feel free to consult him, and not for him to intrude in my life against my wish and dictate what to do and what not to do without me asking.

Mr. Stranger I can't say for sure your parents would never realise the error of their ways but it's probably unlikely given age and the years they have behaved in this way.

Change is not easy even when we recognise and want to, it's not likely when someone doesn't even realise the need for change.

The best you can do is build coping mechanisms and protect yourself from the negativity.

Yes, at this stage I don't expect them to change. I need to deal with this issue, though, and I still don't know how without feeling guilty, to be honest.

[Open Eyes]

It can be a challenge when dealing with individuals that encourage "guilt" if you fail to do things the way they want.

I was thinking about how you described your parent's culture and how it's different and how they live in a place were certain things are expected and if you don't follow with what is considered that custom something is wrong with you.

Well, I am 60 years old now and have seen so much of that in humanity in my lifetime now. Honestly, I have seen so much guilt tripping when you don't just give in to whatever is deemed politically correct in ANY group of human beings. Oh, you are a bad person if you don't do it this way, dress that way, have this, have that, do this, do that, or say it this way instead of that way, it's human insanity if you ask me.

The best thing to do is one's best to try not to get sucked into it because it can take the quality of your life way down if you do. I think about Ben Franklin and how he made adjustments according to the way different individuals did things, he did his best to grow as an individual in spite of interacting with different cultures and their own ways of interacting. I think about how he wore that stupid coon hat because that is what people "thought" he would wear. He just obliged them. You have to learn to stand above your parents, wear the damn coon hat and then stick it in a box and chuckle to yourself instead of thinking you have to actually "be" what they think.

That's true, guilt tripping is a universal technique people use to control others. The problem is that people use it without realizing it as a means to control, instead they think it is the "right" thing to do. I will have to stand up for myself. I hope I will be able to set clear boundaries between us once and for all when I am there.

[Open Eyes]

The problem is that people use it without realizing it as a means to control, instead they think it is the "right" thing to do

YES! and if you sit with an open mind this has been going on in humanity since the beginning. It's all about a desire for control no matter what the culture. The desire is about designing a structure that controls a group or population in order to have some control of predictability. The way to control has always been "guilt tripping". That is why so many human beings struggle with depression, stress, anxiety to name a few challenges. If you just think about how you struggle yourself, proof, that it works. Also, when it comes to politics and religion? People will literally hate others who don't go along with "their" beliefs and they always insist believing other then what they believe is out right stupidity. Now that we have all this technology we are all exposed to the reality of this fact. One is instructed to color inside the lines, but that all goes out the window when you find out someone is different. That is exactly what you have talked about facing when you go back home to visit for a while. That is also what you are reminded of with every interaction you have with your parents. You have outgrown them, you have left that culture and ventured out, you have opened your mind up to other ideas and possibilities and you have come to realize how restricting your parents cultural conditioning is. YET, this is not unique to you, with each generation comes a bit of change and growth. If it were not for that we would all be living shorter lives and we would not have all the modern amenities we have available to us now.

The challenge you are having with your parents is that you have "outgrown" them. But, the truth about human nature is that is what is supposed to happen, that is what makes it possible to gain in our ability to survive. Guilt and shaming can pull someone backwards into some kind of control, it's always been proven effective in human nature.