Really struggling right now (long)

This is long. So if you read this and reply, I will appreciate it a lot.

I don't know where to begin, but it feels shameful to say that here, that I'm really struggling right now. because sometimes, I'm doing really well. I guess this just isn't one of those times. I think I have been struggling for a while.

I'm having a hard time accepting trauma, and the way I feel now.

I'm alone a lot of the time. It feels that way, anyway! My mom shows no interest in helping me through this. Though she says she cares, when I start to tell her, she says "have you talked to your therapist?" She always is doing other stuff while I talk to her. I practically have to follow her around the house. I should just give up. She is not present. It hurts a lot, and I think I deserve better.

My therapist, is new. I decided to see her because it would save money. But I don't feel like I connect with her. I feel badly about myself in her eyes, though she doesn't say that. My last therapist was really nice. But she is gone. Our time together is over.

I'm thinking about going back to my old psych nurse. She wasn't perfect. And I had to pay out of pocket. But I'm terrified to see this new free doctor, after I had a really bad experience with this clinic's psych nurse. She was really rude to me. I'm poor though. So we'll see.

I feel terrible in this moment. I've felt terrible all morning. I feel terrible every morning.

I don't really have any friends. I am in the process of cutting certain people out of my life who treat me badly and who I feel badly around and take advantage of me.

But honestly, I don't think anyone really cares about me. I think that if I killed myself, some people would not be surprised, and those same people would say "oh, she had issues."

All of this overwhelms me.

I felt like this yesterday too, and felt better after leaving a message for my therapist (maybe she does help a little?), going for a walk, and taking a bath.

I am on disability for mental health issues. I feel like this brings me more shame. I'm so sick of feeling ignored. And looked down on. and pitied. Like, "oh, it must be really bad if you're on disability for it. Glad I'm not like that. Oh excuse me, we can't be close friends now but I will like your posts on Facebook from afar."

My mom wants me to go to her sister's for easter with the rest of my family. But you know what? They're rude and downright mean people, and I'm not going. The fact that my mom tries to get me to go, is so selfish of her. She's not thinking of me. She just doesn't want her sister to be mad at her. Or feel alone herself. The thing is, if she doesn't like her sister, she shouldn't try to have a relationship with her but she does. When I had a breakdown in 2006 and was in the hospital, it spread through my family like wildfire, and they treated me differently after that. They ignored me. For years I felt like a freak at family parties. and they didn't care. They made me feel weird because they are weird. I can't handle them this year. i don't care that I have stood up to them and that things are better now. I hate them.

I try to be positive, and I feel like I'm putting like, 5x the effort in than the average person needs to in order to pick themselves up, and its not helping.

I think the main issue I'm having, is that I feel like I have no one to really talk to. And I feel like, I bother people. Because I do need to talk. A lot. Apparently that's a really bad thing.