[communityaccount]

Hi, I wasn't sure to post this in the Depression sub-forum but it looks like it's for people who were diagnosed with it.


Simply put, I hate driving with my dad. I never liked my dad in the first place and having to drive with him makes me hate him even more.

I am 24 years old and I got my driver’s licence last year in July. I live in the province of Ontario in Canada where we have two obtain two novice level licences (G1 and G2) before attaining a full driver’s licence (G). I still have my G1 meaning that I must have a fully licenced driver in the passenger seat. I kept delaying my acquisition of a G1 licence for years on end after watching my older brother having to deal with the stress of driving with my highly critical dad.

I have been driving since last year in October, roughly 10 months. I have been taking lessons with an in-car instructor as well. My instructor is a very good teacher as he is very patient and does not criticize when I make a mistake.

I have finished the curriculum with the driving school (I even drove on the freeway and downtown with the instructor). However, I still have to complete a road evaluation as part of the driving school’s requirements (this is NOT to be confused with the road test as administered by the government…I don’t know when I will ever do that). I didn’t pass it the first time around, so I have to re-do it later this month. I am starting to doubt my abilities since my instructor was telling me that I have been improving well throughout the course of my lessons. After all, he wouldn’t have scheduled the evaluation if he didn’t think I was ready.

The thought of having to practice driving in prep for the evaluation makes me horribly depressed. I hate driving with my dad as he is critical of every mistake I make, that either I: turned a corner too wide; I didn’t accelerate enough after finishing a turn; I’m not speeding up when changing lanes. I am now taking longer to decide when it is safe to make a right turn at a red light because I am so afraid of cutting off another car in the distance. This makes my dad angry and impatient. I never took this long before, but I am becoming increasingly hesitant with my competencies. When he makes these harsh comments, I become deeply upset and unable to drive. I end up coming home feeling like a total failure and beating myself up for all the mistakes I made. As I mentally replay each instance where I made a mistake/he got mad at me, I cry about it, hating myself even more.

I absolutely dread having to drive with him, but he is the only person who I can drive with. Btw, my family only has one car. My mom doesn’t have a licence and my brother doesn’t want/is afraid to drive the family car despite him being fully licenced (we have a mutual dislike for our father…we were never close to him). I have major communication problems with my dad where I am fearful of expressing my distress when driving with him. My mom is all flustered with the situation, complaining that it is difficult living with both me and my dad. I have recently considered paying for extra lessons with the driving school though there isn’t a lot of time between now and the evaluation. As well, each lesson is expensive.

My friend is urging me, once I pass the driving school’s evaluation, to book the actual road test in the next month to get my G2. This is making me nervous and upset as I don’t think I will ever be ready to take the road test given all of mistakes my dad keeps pointing out. I am a person who lacks confidence, doubts their abilities, avoids taking risks, strives for perfection, fears failure, and falls into crippling depressions during times of failure. It is honestly difficult being me.

Sometimes, I regret that I even got my driver’s licence. But it was either that or losing out on job opportunities that require a valid G licence. As well, it doesn’t help that I live in walking unfriendly suburbia in which you have to go to on a 10-minute walk to catch a bus that comes every half hour.

What should I do? How should I see things more positively?

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your dad. I had a strained relationship with my dad as well. He was very hostile and was difficult to be around. One thing that might help is to remind yourself this is temporary. You know you're a good driver. Say that to yourself when your dad starts in. Once you have your license, he won't need to ride around with you. It's also one step of the pathway to freedom. Sending big hugs.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by communityaccount

Hi, I wasn't sure to post this in the Depression sub-forum but it looks like it's for people who were diagnosed with it.

No worries, diagnosis isn't a requirement. Forums are just meant to be "best fit" for whatever you're discussing so that people with similar issues are more likely to see it.

As for your dad, I wish I could offer something helpful.

All I can say is that the school's instructor has likely seen it all and is way more qualified to judge your abilities. Try to believe in his opinion. It's bound to be more objective than a family member's.

I went through something similar years ago. My dad and brother were overly critical and made me very anxious and doubtful. For what it's worth, it's a fairly well known phenomena that parents often make terrible driving teachers. I ended up paying for extra lessons.

[communityaccount]

Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me. I'll try to keep that in mind that "This too shall pass" (ie. that this is temporary).

[Dean James]

You're not alone.

My mother used to drive. One day, goes the family story —it happened before I was born— she was driving along just fine, my sister and two brothers in the back seat, my father in front with her. It seems years of his relentless, mean, impatient, arrogant, carping, picky harangue about anything and everything finally added up.

Without a word, she calmly slowed, signaled, and pulled over to the side of the road. Checking her mirror for traffic, she opened the driver's door, stepped out and around to the passenger's side, where she waited for my father to get out. He finally did, whereupon she calmly sat down. She never drove again.

I can testify. In later years, my father would demand I mow the lawn, then burst out of the house to harass me in the front yard over my performance. I don't recall being consciously influenced by the Mom Driving story, but certainly may have been, as one day enough was just enough and I refused to perform any longer. I deeply dislike mowing lawns to this day.

There are a lot of people like this. Difficult to say why they behave that way. I think of my Dad sometimes as a brutal control freak, sometimes as so concerned about me that he couldn't handle it. Who knows what mixture of them he was, if at all, at any given time?

None of this getting you into a driver's license, however. Could you borrow or rent a car? Could your brother or a friend be your licensed passenger for practice then? No uncles available, cousins, neighbors, family friends? A friendly teacher, pastor, minister? Could you hire someone for a few hours?

Consider a salesperson from a car dealership. Seriously: it's to their advantage to help new drivers get on the road, who will then need to buy cars. Do the local police have some kind of program? Family doctor, local hospital?

In the US, the American Automobile Association offers all kinds of services. Is there a Canadian version, maybe with an interest in promoting safe new drivers?

Above all, stay strong. Trust your instructor's opinion: he has seen many more driving students than has your father. His judgement is more experienced and better trained.

Things like this can be like anticipating trips to the dentist, hesitating to jump into cold water on a hot day, waffling over asking for a kiss. Sometimes one must swallow hard and do the thing. Keep your eyes on the prize.