[seesaw]

I posted this to Facebook, hoping to educate, but of course, I had to limit the post to exclude all my coworkers, any donors, any former or possible future colleagues...I wanted to break stigma and speak honestly...but even to say this much, I'd probably lose my job...and yet, to understand this, is to understand me.

"7% of Americans and women are 2-3 more times likely to suffer from depression. It is real, people. It isn't just being sad or lazy or tired. I wish I could tell you what depression feels like. It feels like...first, like a heavy soaking wet blanket is keeping you from moving...then, remember the dementers on Harry Potter that sucked all the joy from your life? Nothing makes you happy anymore. I used to dance, I loved to dance. It was my dream to dance. I had scholarships, and accolades, I was expected to change the art form. I used to run, and run, and run, I loved to see how far I could go, 20 miles, no problem. I used to ride my bike, by myself, wind in my hair, watching the painted lines on the road, looking out at the Pacific Ocean. I did 200 miles in 15 hours, sure the first 100 took 5 hours and I struggled my way through the second hundred, but I would give anything to have that joy again. I would give anything to dream about pavement and trees flying by again. I remember my happiest dreams were just of the painted lines on the road as I kept pedaling and pedaling, in pure bliss, under my own power, and with the power to go wherever I wanted. Now, instead, it's all nightmares; i dream about violence. I dream about violation. There is no joy left. I used to love to cook new healthy dishes, I used to love to do so many things. I was a bike mechanic, and I loved to work with my hands. I used to frequent bike mechanic forums and debate the best component set-ups. My proudest day was riding a bike I built myself with the Wolfpack at midnight on a Monday from LA to Long Beach. I used to love to review dance and write about the art form from a new perspective. I loved the art our local LA artists were creating and I wanted to be the next great dance critic to propel them to national fame. I started a new e-zine and started to review dance in LA, thinking how I could contribute to making this amazingly creative dance scene relevant and legitimate. I used to ride my bike 20 miles cross town, equipment in tow, to perform at a solo showcase every two months. I used to get on my bike and tell every mountain, YOU CANNOT BEAT ME....I could climb 7000 feet of altitude, fully loaded, with trailer and Astro in tow. No matter how long it took. With coyotes barking at us as we climbed, and semi trucks honking to encourage us on our way. Now, it's all I can do to wake up every day, be at my desk for 8 hours, and come home and feed my dogs. I'm NOT lazy. I'm not hopeless. My life has changed. And I will never be who I was. But it's not something to hide or be ashamed of. I did not do this to myself. I did not ask for this. I would sell my soul to have what I had back, literally. I know some people think that's an exaggeration, but if you could give me myself back, I would take it, no matter the cost (except for my dogs, would never give them up) but I can only move forward, and hope someday they can cure clinical depression and PTSD. This is not the blues. I am not sad. Sometimes I do smile and laugh, but it's more rueful then real. There is a chemical problem in my brain. I take responsibility for my actions, but how can I take responsibility for what nature has dealt me? And then I get told that I need to put a happy face on and fake it. HAS YOUR LIFE BEEN STOLEN FROM YOU? Put on a happy face? Are you f'ing kidding me? Every single second of every single day is a struggle. But I am determined that I will not let this disease destroy me or rule me. That's why I get up every day. That's why I go into work, even if my coworkers think I should smile more."

Thank you for spreading the word.

A big problem for us with how modern day employment works is that these employers want us employees to revolve our entire life around the job without allowing us to take a day or two off or switch our schedules if we get overwhelmed.

It's even worse for those of us with a mental illness because if our symptoms are bad on a given day, we need to be able to take time for ourselves in order to practice self care to be at our best. Unfortunately, it's either corporate America's way or the high way and the system needs to be changed dramatically from the inside out.

I would start by allowing employees to pick their own schedules as well as allowing them to call in sick more often or take more vacations so that way those of us with a MI can get our much needed self care time without having to disclose our MI to the employer not to mention, having a system like that in place would allow everybody who works a full time job who doesn't have a MI live happier lives which in turn, means more productivity and less employees developing MI later in life.

People like us are destined to spark change. We need a modern day revolution to change the system not just in America but throughout the world.

We need a paradigm shift. Only then will the world be better for us.

[GreenBlueRed]

Thanks for sharing this here, too. Did you get a supportive reception on Facebook?

Reading that made my heart ache. At least here, we know it is real.

"My life has been stolen" is the same words I used during my depression. I am not clinically depressed anymore, but I have not forgotten; even when you come out of it, your life isn't the same.

[Sunflower123]

I am angry and grieving for all that has been stolen from me. Seesaw, your post was excellent.

[mc2ed]

Your words...."my life has been stolen"....I reap meaning from that phrase....maybe more....my life has been lost....my memories....who I am....there was opportunity to create...yet that caused...distress for others...who laid claim to who I was....

I have experienced depression....at the time...of my first sip...from that cup....I thought how much more of my mind could I lose?.....I was warned....it would come upon me....in the healing of my brain....now it dances in and out of my life...the steps are so intricate....if someone has not partnered in that dance...it is beyond their ability to understand.....they think it can be fixed....like changing the sheets....they wonder why you do not freshen......

I have been struggling....and let my words exchange...with a person I love.....who loves me too.....just stating the darkness of my experience...they refused it....saying no it is not as you say.....listing the reasons why it could not be so...I could only reply....It IS.....this is what walks in my life....I am walking with it...I know where my feet are stepping.....the response was....SNAP OUT OF IT....how childish....yet born of wishing to ease...and not knowing how....I could only say...that is like telling me to become 6 feet tall........

I am sorry this comes to you....I am sorry it comes to anyone....I could only say...there is some relief....for me...in owning my own feelings....May you have strength....and courage.....until peace rises in your heart....

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

Thanks for sharing this here, too. Did you get a supportive reception on Facebook?

Reading that made my heart ache. At least here, we know it is real.

"My life has been stolen" is the same words I used during my depression. I am not clinically depressed anymore, but I have not forgotten; even when you come out of it, your life isn't the same.

I shared it with a very restricted list. Which made me very sad. But I could not share it with my whole friends list, because it includes coworkers, donors, former and future colleagues and employers...and to share this true story and the reality of MI would get me blacklisted for sure. So as much as I wanted to stop the stigma...I can't even do it because of what will happen to me if I do. Heck, my employer might try to fire me...(although that would be an ADA violation for sure).

Seesaw

[avlady]

that is a sad post. it describes myself fully. people need to be educated about mental illness for any of us to go forward. why don't people want to deal with it? what i see is a world of knowledgable people who are happy with themselves and others too. then we can all be happy. but first we have to learn how to deal with others and even the people who don't give a @#$% would be better for themselves also because they would learn new ways to look at others.