This is just a few thoughts on relationships and happiness.

I realised the other day a contradiction in my beliefs - I have always said happiness comes from within yet over the last 20 odd years I feel like I have got a lot of happiness/contentment from my relationship with my husband.

This stemmed from a discussion with a single friend who has experienced a lot of unhappiness in his previous relationships. My hunch is that he was with the wrong people for him. I feel if the other person is the right fit for us then happiness should be the natural outcome.

Not to say we will be happy every day of our lives and never have a problem, that would be unrealistic, but the relationship should be over all a source of happiness in our lives. I often feel that when things aren't going so well I am glad I have my husband on my side, and I am on his too. It's not that we never disagree, we do, but we overcome disagreements together.

I don't write this in order to make those without close happy relationships feel sad, but rather that I have hope that everyone is capable of this given the right match of person and if they want to live life with a partner (it's also equally valid to be single of course).

I was trying to encourage my friend that he will have learned from previous mismatches, and be another step closer to understanding the type of relationship/person that will give him happiness. He currently believes 'happiness' is not a realistic expectation from either life or relationships but I believe this is because he tried very hard to make unsuitable relationships work at the cost of his own happiness and then blamed himself for it not working out.

Maybe I'm just very, very lucky but I do think my husband is one of the best things to happen to me and my hope for everyone out there is that they too will experience this kind of positive relationship.

[Sunflower123]

You are indeed very blessed. I'm glad you've found so much happiness with your husband.

I fear I'm such a mess (abandonment issues, trust issues, introvert) that it's just not in the cards for me although I was married for over 20 years.

I hope your friend finds the right match for him. Best wishes.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

You are indeed very blessed. I'm glad you've found so much happiness with your husband.

I fear I'm such a mess (abandonment issues, trust issues, introvert) that it's just not in the cards for me although I was married for over 20 years.

I hope your friend finds the right match for him. Best wishes.

I wanted to share this Jennifer, but hesitated because I worried many people would feel this is something they cannot have in their lives.

I really hope that my post doesn't make anyone feel bad, especially not you - I read your posts and I see a lot of empathy and loving kindness - I do hope that you can channel this in your life, if not to a life partner but to others too. You deserve happiness and connection.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I wanted to share this Jennifer, but hesitated because I worried many people would feel this is something they cannot have in their lives.

I really hope that my post doesn't make anyone feel bad, especially not you - I read your posts and I see a lot of empathy and loving kindness - I do hope that you can channel this in your life, if not to a life partner but to others too. You deserve happiness and connection.

Oh no worries at all. I'm working on my issues in therapy and maybe one day I'll find the right person. I'm glad you posted it. I really appreciate your kind words.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Oh no worries at all. I'm working on my issues in therapy and maybe one day I'll find the right person. I'm glad you posted it. I really appreciate your kind words.

I have every hope for you, and it sounds like you are doing exactly the right things even though they may not be easy.

I have had therapy in the past and it helped hugely with relationship/communication issues.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I have always said happiness comes from within yet over the last 20 odd years I feel like I have got a lot of happiness/contentment from my relationship with my husband.

I think it is safe and accurate to say internal happiness is dependent upon certain attitudes and other things (such as expectations in relation to others) we can either control or learn to accept, but happiness (as you have pointed out) is also dependent upon satisfactions of certain instincts, desires and ambitions that can only be filled by external sources (such as other people). Loners might occasionally learn to be content and "happy" even while alone, for example, but there is no such thing as self-fulfillment or self-validation amidst society as a whole.

I was a happy child because I was part of an active family doing many things together, then I began discovering loneliness and isolation as I grew older and realized I did not really "fit in" anywhere. I next developed certain attitudes and actions that seemed to work as coping mechanisms, but then those ultimately failed me as the loneliness and isolation continued to grow worse. Today I still feel much loneliness and isolation in relation to most people around me and I think I could live with that if there were no other options, but I am extremely grateful for my wife whose actions toward me present some validation I could never produce internally and who accepts my best efforts toward her (my sense of fulfillment in life).

Lately, I have been feeling very contented/happy spending time with my husband. It is a blessing to have someone who you enjoy doing activities with everyday. I love him and am committed to taking care of him until death do us part. I have always felt safer with him--he is very protective of me. He sometimes compensates for many of my weaknesses. I also like the benefits. It has not always been this way. I had to let go of some of my expectations. For example, he has been unemployed for a year, so it is not the love of money that binds us (though I can't afford to divorce him either). There were many reasons I attempted including a chemical imbalance but I also was angry at him for some things and turned that anger inward. We are nearing our 30th anniversary and some of the things I was upset about had occurred years before my attempt but because I was afraid to fully express how I felt, it became a huge shadow other my feelings for him. We've really talked about it. The disagreements were about him having a different POV--not abuse. Also, we both can be bossy. It has taken a lot of self reflection for me to figure this out. So I do believe relationships are a source of happiness/contentment but it takes work to keep it going. It will not be that good if you are on autopilot or afraid to express your feelings. I hope others at PC can find someone special to be with.

Thanks.

I think being able to express yourself and be 'heard' is incredibly important to happiness within a relationship. A lot of what I read on the realtionship forum is unhappiness when those needs are not being met.

I have felt that unhappiness too, and that was partly 'within me' to change my behaviour, partly with my husband to change some things too - and it wasn't easy. I understand and agree with what you write Hoping.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm afraid I'll never be able to have a decent relationship in the past.. just because of who I am

But I'm really glad that some of you have been able to make their relationship work. Kudos to you - it's not easy. I think relationships can make you happies, as long as they're not your only source of happiness..

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm afraid I'll never be able to have a decent relationship in the past.. just because of who I am

But I'm really glad that some of you have been able to make their relationship work. Kudos to you - it's not easy. I think relationships can make you happies, as long as they're not your only source of happiness..

That is very true and very wise about not being the only source of happiness.

Mickey, please don't tell yourself you won't have a decent relationship because of who you are. We don't have to be perfect to be loved and to love - and you have every right to happiness.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I think being able to express yourself and be 'heard' is incredibly important to happiness...

...and that was partly 'within me' to change my behaviour...

I realize most of the discussion here is about happiness within intimate relationships, but those basic truths apply across-the-board for everyone. It can be easy to complain because other people do not listen or seem to show interest in us, but what we first send out can play a huge role in all of that.

Originally Posted by leejosepho

I realize most of the discussion here is about happiness within intimate relationships, but those basic truths apply across-the-board for everyone. It can be easy to complain because other people do not listen or seem to show interest in us, but what we first send out can play a huge role in all of that.

Often that is true, and yes it can be something that can pervade all of our relationships. Communicating better is a lifelong study for me.

Well said Prefab. I think there is most certainly a correlation between happiness and deep connection with someone(s).

I saw something else online today, that said that "when you connect with people who are good for you, you feel it. This is a big deal. acknowledge it. Your people love your weirdness." I just really liked it, and your post made me think of it.

Currently, I do not always have close relationships like this everyday. But there are people like this in my life, and I have had them in the past too. I have hope for more closeness, deeper closeness, and having my own partner in the future. <3

I'm happy for you that you have your husband I see you post about him a lot in the gratitude thread on social.

LeeJosepho, and Prefab, I agree. I think that learning to be a better communicator with people...friends and just everyone... and "being the person you'd want to be friends with," kind of like being the change you want to see in the world, is a good thing to keep in mind.

As a 34 year old adult with depression and not working, I sometimes struggle with finding friends. Making friends is harder as an adult, yes, though I know it's not impossible. I think sometimes, it's hardest in times when I actually feel lonely. These are the times when I'm like "Where is everyone?" and I feel desperate. Patience is not always my strong suit. I want a partner now. Or like, yesterday, lol. I will be as patient as I can though. I like seeing things like this post, and the thing I posted about in my previous post, because it's true. When you REALLY connect with someone, as opposed to just some boring interaction, it makes a world of difference. <3

I got an idea from this. "How to make friends and meet people as an adult, ideas" thread

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by starrysky

... "being the person you'd want to be friends with," kind of like being the change you want to see in the world [or at least in a few other people], is a good thing to keep in mind.

Absolutely. I spent many years as a self-absorbed, self-pitying kind of guy wondering why I had no friends. I have only a few today, but first learning to become a bit more likable and enjoyable for other people to even be around has definitely made a huge difference!

Originally Posted by starrysky

LeeJosepho, and Prefab, I agree. I think that learning to be a better communicator with people...friends and just everyone... and "being the person you'd want to be friends with," kind of like being the change you want to see in the world, is a good thing to keep in mind.

As a 34 year old adult with depression and not working, I sometimes struggle with finding friends. Making friends is harder as an adult, yes, though I know it's not impossible. I think sometimes, it's hardest in times when I actually feel lonely. These are the times when I'm like "Where is everyone?" and I feel desperate. Patience is not always my strong suit. I want a partner now. Or like, yesterday, lol. I will be as patient as I can though. I like seeing things like this post, and the thing I posted about in my previous post, because it's true. When you REALLY connect with someone, as opposed to just some boring interaction, it makes a world of difference. <3

I got an idea from this. "How to make friends and meet people as an adult, ideas" thread

Starry, even though I am married with an adult son I still have "Where is everyone?" moments too - people are often really busy and I don't see my friends as often as I would like.

I think coping with those moments is part of life, but it's not easy.

Well this morning I saw someone I hadn't seen for a long time and in that year she made some massive changes in her life. One of them was leaving an unhappy/unsatisfying relationship and I have to say the happiness was radiating out of her!

So conversely, much as a relationship with good connection and love can make us happier it's just as true when a relationship is not right for us it can make us unhappy - she was soldiering on but thought 'Life is too short', and is now very happily single for the time being.

External factors like relationships can make a massive difference to our happiness.