[jazrobinson]

I'm a little unclear on my emotions at the moment and it's coming out like a ridiculous rant so bear with me. Also might need some reassurance. I went to anxiety counselling for years and so I'm normally used to pinpointing my symptoms as a result of anxiety but lately I've been noticing I think I might be turning the opposite way and might be slightly depressed. When I'm in theatre school during fall/winter semesters, my workload is immense, to the point where i'm in rehearsals until late into the night and that's when I started noticing my symptoms flicking back and forth between faint anxiety & an intense depressed burnout where my anxiety symptoms suddenly depleted completely. Now, I'm not in school, and I don't start work until July and all I do is sit at home. I still live with my parents in the mean time, but I also don't move out until July. I just don't like where I'm at in my life right now. I'm ridiculously lonely, and that's been hard to admit. I've always liked thinking of myself as an outgoing extrovert but lately i feel like I've reverted back to an awkward depressed phase I had when I was a preteen where i stayed home, slept in a lot, and could barely get off the couch and get off my computer. And I do useless ****. I binge watch Netflix, I pull up word documents and create fake future plans like I'm going on a vacation or I'm creating a work schedule for myself for the next ten years. Or pretend my entire extended family is actually apart of a secret royal society and write out fake royal titles. Or I use an online randomizer to see what my future husband might be like. Or go on Pinterest, the point is, this is what my life has become and I'm not sure how this happened but I've ended up with no one all of a sudden. Lots of distant friendships from the past, with zero depth. I've been single for three years, like completely celibate. A sibling who is prepared to get married and start a family and meanwhile my parents are the most dysfunctional couple I've ever met in my life who should have divorced years ago. The only thing I have going for me is that I'm working out every single day. But then I drink wine every night and sit on my ***. And I eat such unhealthy food. I should be diabetic by now, I can't even believe the amount of sugar I consume on a daily basis but I can't stop for the life of me. I don't know what I'm doing. And the most confusing part is I'm doing financially completely fine. And it's so confusing because I feel bad, like most of my friends can't afford to move out yet, and here I am complaining that i'm depressed but I literally have a documented plan to move out and it's all in my name with my finances but then what's the point of having it in that sense if I'm literally doing it alone. These past few years, I've never felt more alone in my life. I don't know how I got here. I don't know how I became an adult and lost all meaningful connections in my life. Everything that I thought meant something vanished in the blink of an eye when all of a sudden i started realizing I was pulling in the wrong people and now I've swapped out dysfunctional friendships and a relationship for loneliness. I don't know what to do. How do I not feel lonely when I can barely get myself out of the house and strike up any conversations... I'm 22 and I think I'm stuck in a massive rut. All I visualize for my future is living alone in an apartment, sometimes acting... and then attempting to write but losing all motivation and watching everyone around me settle down. And I know what they all say "you're young, you still have time..."... those words never help for some reason. I'm actually really worried I've built the foundations for the kind of life that I don't want at all. I don't know what to do.

[Sunflower123]

it's good that you start your work in July. It's also good that you're working out everyday and that your finances are in shape. If you've been diagnosed with anxiety you know how the drill goes. If you think you are suffering from a low level depression, I encourage you to see your regular doctor or a psychiatrist to see if meds would help. You have a lot going for you. I hope you feel better soon. I also hope you have a smooth job transition in July and that you find and make wonderful friends.

[Unrigged64072835]

Try meetup.com and find groups of people with similar interests. Or check parks and recreation sites for activities. It may help if you got out of the house for a bit until you start work.

And I hear you on dysfunctional parents. The reason mine didn't divorce was because my mom didn't want to pay alimony. (She was the breadwinner in the family.)