[mc2ed]

Again....Again...always and again....I find the self of me....in such a wash of agitation....consumed by unknowing the source....there are so many views...paths for finding....it doesn't matter....they end no where....is it something fallen from the edge of my knowing...that place of voidness....that hollowness of lack.... of memory....it haunts me....it is a shivering burr....some odd electrical shimmering.....that never stops....never stops....always underneath...hiding...hiding...then it rises....as sorrow....the well of sorrow...that never drains....it seeps into accumulation....until it laps over the edge....of containment....and I am found weeping.....years.....years....years...
weeping....loss.....weeping loss......it is without a point of reference.....some odd shouldering on....yet dragging an eternity behind me....the weight of it...I am not enough....and that is a measure i should not take....that not one being should ever take....yet I stand.....on a scale...floating in the dark....the numbers are not weight....it is only how much you can hold.....I hold nothing...yet I am so heavy.....I can not bear the weight....of nothing.....

[Skeezyks]

Perhaps, like many of us, you are looking for that one thing that is at the very core of our giant messiness.

If we know what that is, then maybe the chaos will fall into order

I know that (for me) thinking that way is better than considering that the dysfunctional thoughts have NO nucleus....

Plus the effort of trying to find out is absolutely exhausting and leaves no room for actual living and only a very small spot for happiness.

You're a much more tenacious warrior than I will ever be.

[mc2ed]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Perhaps, like many of us, you are looking for that one thing that is at the very core of our giant messiness.

If we know what that is, then maybe the chaos will fall into order

I know that (for me) thinking that way is better than considering that the dysfunctional thoughts have NO nucleus....

Plus the effort of trying to find out is absolutely exhausting and leaves no room for actual living and only a very small spot for happiness.

You're a much more tenacious warrior than I will ever be.

I look for the impossible....what will lay my memories before me.....

I went to a funeral.....speaking of how a man's interactions were generous even in the face of my refusing his educational gifts.....my affront to a persons belief....of what they held of themselves....yet it is my right to give choice....the yay or the nay......My voice was...No....the room was filled with all of these people who had always told him yes....they looked at me...from the eyes of oddity.....their aghast closed them away.... yet...I do not know....if they understood.....in the face of no....he was still kind......they were all stuck in how could I have expressed disagreement with a man....they all held in such regard.....isn't it more of an achievement to continue to be generous to those who do not drop accolades at your feet....

Then to hear from someone who knew.....that I did know this man from when he was young...that he and my brother had come and stayed with me in my home.....no memories of this....again...walking into the door of gone.....it is a hard step....there is some force at work....that feels of bouncing a hard hit...off of what is hollow.....

I tried to speak of it...to one who chants I love you's...only to hear....them...challenge that they could feel worse than me....??...I have never seen pain...as a contest....who wants to even think in such a way....I bow out...you can win....hands down...you win....though...that is the end of my holding your voice to my ear.....I am tired.....

I go through this with my mom. Whatever my problem is, she has it ten times worse and she suffers so much more.

I don't talk about me to her any more.

Here, you win.

[Unrigged64072835]

Comparing suffering goes nowhere fast. Your pain is yours and it should be validated. I'm sorry for your loss and what you are going through.