Coping with Guilt over fiance being homeless

Thank you Rose for explaining the parts I was confused about. I do appreciate it.

*hugs*

It's just very sad when someone is chronically homeless. There were several things that factored into my bf's situation. He suffered a dysfunctional family, he had severe dyslexia and learning disabilities, he was a chronic pot smoker, he became paranoid schizophrenic.

I tried to help guide him and be his friend to help him get help. But, he just didn't want it. He said he'd rather be on the street.

Last time we spoke, he said he was living well.

Your ex bf is an intelligent man. He can help himself if he wants to.

You are empathic. Do you really love him or do you more feel like you want to save him?

I ended up marrying and having severely bad intimacy issues that triggered me so much that I ended up recently getting diagnosed with disorders.

Looking back on that relationship with my ex bf, I see how the dormant disorders I had within me I was not yet aware of at the time played a role in my attraction to him.

Rose, thank you for the information! That is a wealth of info. I really appreciate your help here.

He's 32. He has a history of chronic mental illness, being in and out of hospitals and treatment. He has a history of drug and alcohol rehab too. He has harmed himself previously in a suicide attempt about two years ago. He was recently hospitalized for potential suicide, and a psych doc told him he is too mentally ill to work, though my ex seems to disagree.

I am concerned about his welfare when it gets cold here. That is scary to me that he may not have shelter. I have offered a bus ticket back home where he is from where it is warmer in the winter months. That offer will stand as long as it is needed.

His case worker has said he will get SSI next month, at least this is what he tells me. Perhaps they are pushing him through as an emergency case? I do not know. As it is, I haven't heard from him in two days. I think his phone isn't charged... at least I hope that's all it is.

And yes, I think he is wearing people out. At least his family is worn out... I did all I could to help him get on his feet, but he was not able to at the time. I do worry this will become a chronic problem, but he's applying for jobs even now.

Tisha, to answer your question, yes I am empathic, but I do sincerely love him. We have a real connection and a deep connection. It's practically a spiritual connection. We relate very well emotionally, and have a solid friendship. We started out as friends to begin with, supporting each other with our mental health and life issues. So this is not about saving him anymore or about being his savior (though when I first moved him here, it was about saving him). His problems are beyond my ability to help. He needs professional help - perhaps even a residential treatment program for dual diagnosis, but he tells me the wait list for him is 18 months since he is not a MA native.

All I can do now is keep my offer for a bus ticket home. His case worker will handle the rest. He is definitely intelligent and scrappy and seems to be surviving just fine, though I do worry right now since I haven't heard from him.....

I really appreciate everyone's input and comments here.... from the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for helping me through this issue. It is scary, it is worrisome, and I am concerned that he won't be able to get out of this mess, as was pointed out. This could become a perpetual crisis. At the very least, if he goes home he could at least be warm.

If he talks to you again and doesn't already have shelter, encourage him to go to a homeless shelter. As I said, a lot of help becomes available to you once there that otherwise would not, plus he won't need to worry about the cold winter months.

He is in a shelter, but they only allow them to stay six nights, then they have to leave for four nights, whereby he says he is sleeping outside on the streets. There are other shelters around, but he needs money to travel to them and get there. He is finding ways to earn money though here and there, so that's the good news.

Hm, generally (at least here) the community (and sometimes shelter within the community) will provide a bus ticket to get the homeless person out of town to wherever they want (within a certain price range)

This is good to know.. someone else mentioned this, too. I will bring it up to him when we talk next. Thank you!

Here is a site you can check out

Our Services - Travelers Aid International

TY!!!!

You're very welcome

I cannot deal anymore. I have been entangled now in the family drama, yet again. His mother and I talked for a long time last night. His grandma, who kicked him out four months ago, offered for him to come back in the last few days, then retracted the offer. Now his mom is singing a different tune -- shes says he would not have been homeless when his grandmother kicked him out, yet the first words out of her mouth when that happened were "well, you can't stay here". So I swooped in to save him at that point. WTF. I really cannot deal anymore... yet I was the one who convinced his grandma tonight to take him back. I still feel guilty, even more so now that his mom claims he wouldn't have been homeless, even though she herself didn't offer it up when she has two extra bedrooms. Tonight she told me she has to take care of herself, that she is exasperated with him, and doesn't know what to do. I am caught up in family drama, and all I want is for him to have a freaking roof over his head and for his family to take responsibility for the sick child they have. Is that too much to ask for??? WTF.

Some families believe "tough love" is the best policy. My dad won't help me a bit, even when I wound up living in the Salvation Army shelter or when I was being abused. Sometimes though, you have to decide which way is best for you. Helping him, or helping you... because I don't think you are going to be able to do both.

Oh dear... I think you may be right. :/ Suddenly, I am roped into every detail of his homelessness and am intervening in his family drama. I do need to take care of myself too, but I don't know how to extricate myself. I hope he gets a bus ticket home today. He is looking into it.

Direct him to the travelers aid site I gave you if nothing else works.

Thanks so much, I just bought him a bus ticket. He needs to go home now... I am so glad he will be home and around family and friends again.

You're welcome.

*hugs*

Glad you got it worked out!

thank you, me too!!