Lost and not found

Vergiss · Sep 03, 2017, 04:16 AM

I’ve been getting this little problem every quarter of a year or so.

A week or 2 (or three maybe? no more than 2 months ago) my grandfather died. He pretty much raised me. This is sad, or at least it’s very easy to say it’s a sad thing. However, I have a problem. I don’t feel sad; or rather I’ve continued to not feel sad beginning with his death and carrying through his funeral. I didn’t feel sad when my aunt grabbed my arm and cried, I didn’t feel sad during his military internment or the playing of “Taps” and I didn’t feel sad when people bombarded me with condolences. I felt mostly thirsty and then a little bored.

Here’s where my issue sort of blooms. I recently (a week or so max) also saw an ex of mine. I've (somehow) only ever dated girls that have been wonderful in almost every regard, and she was about as precious to me as a diamond-plated pacemaker. Can you guess what I did when I saw her and her smile immediately drained into this weird ambivalent happy-to-see-you-but-I'll-get-depressed-if-I-think-about-you expression? I shot her the classic finger-guns. You know where you make your fingers into little guns and then you “shoot” by bringing your thumbs down? I did that to the young woman who I would’ve dug my heart out with a spoon for.

I’m not happy during these episodes or anything characteristic of mania. I don’t feel depressed either (to note, I do have depression). I feel empty, but not hurting-empty or sad-empty. It’s like a leg falling asleep but you have somewhere to be, so you just sort of walk on the numb leg/foot and you don’t exactly appreciate the feeling but it’s nowhere near enough of a problem to occupy your mind with.

What do you think? There's probably a good way to fire up those old feelings again instead of just waiting for them to come back, right?