Throughout my young life, I feel I've always been ill in one way or another.. I have had some major illnesses, but even beyond those, there's always been something to complain about.. I've even been embarrassed and ashamed thinking I bet people just think I'm doing it for attention. I truly did have genuine symptoms, but now I just had this.. Realization, or feeling that all that being sick all the time was actually this deep, deep grief and sadness that I didn't have words for and didn't even understand before now.. There was just always something I desperately wanted to get out but couldn't - the fact that I was unloved.

I wish I could have just told someone.. My dad didn't love me, he never has. He just doesn't know how to, and I don't think he'll ever even consider the possibility of learning because it'd mean he'd have to open that well, deal with his own demons.. I desperately wanted to tell someone about how this made me feel but couldn't! I just didn't understand it. So yeah.. In a way, I got ill for attention. I LOVED my mom taking care of me when I was ill, but there was always something I needed to tell her that she just couldn't reach.. And this was it. I'm so grateful I realize this now.. I wasn't a bad person trying to make other people's lives difficult! I was showing physical symptoms of an emotional problem. A broken heart. Being too alone. Not having adults in my life who would have got it. Tragic.. But I survived!!!

[Sunflower123]

Kudos to you!!!! You have much self-awareness. I'm glad you were able to process these feelings. Here's to your continued success.

[Fuzzybear]

[Thunder Bow]

Good Work in seeing this. Shows that you are healing.

I echo the other posters.. congrats to you for your realization and breakthrough! That is a huge self realization that will help you heal. I am sorry for your childhood pain and can relate very well to this. It takes a lot of strength and courage to look pain in the eye, evaluate it and see what was truly happening. Kudos!!! ((((Hugs)))))

Again, thank you all so much for cheering me on!!! Feels so good having you in my corner, makes this journey a lot easier knowing I'm not alone