Earlier today I was feeling sad - it's a sadness I've 'always' had.. Thought I'd go for a walk to make myself feel better, but then I suddenly thought that I can do whatever I like for the rest of my life to 'feel better' but it won't do anything about this sadness. I have to deal with it in order to move on.

So I started listening to what it is about.. I'm sad I did not have the kind of father I hoped for. It's not like I was asking for the impossible - I did NOT need for him to be 'perfect', just good enough.. That would have been plenty. But for some reason it didn't happen that way.. Maybe one day I'll know why. Now I just need to share that I'm sad. Then I'll move on..

[Sunflower123]

I'm glad you shared that you are sad. I'm sorry you didn't have the father you needed. I empathize with you 100%.

[Thunder Bow]

Feeling sad about this is part of letting go and moving on. Soon you will be feeling better.

[wolfgaze]

I had no real emotional bond/connection with my father, and neither did my siblings. It definitely had an effect on me. What really facilitated my healing process was my practice of employing empathy and really trying to place myself in my father's shoes/position, and to really try to understand why he was the way that he was around us, and what happened in his life experience that would have contributed to this. The more empathetic I became towards his life, the less resentment I felt towards him. I increasingly became aware that he must have had some serious 'issues' that he could not make peace with, and that he clearly was hurting inside and this was affecting his outward behavior. I also remembered that his own father had passed away when he was still a child/adolescent - and how that must have significantly impacted him and perhaps created a 'void' in his life in terms of having a positive male role-model with which to learn from and emulate... I began to find myself increasing feeling compassion, sympathy, and acceptance when thinking about my father... It was very healing, over time...

It's things of this nature that you should contemplate.... Was there anything about your father's upbringing that would have contributed to his behavior that you observed from him? Something about the way his parents had treated him? Maybe a significant life event which would have traumatized or emotionally wounded him - and which later affected his behavior as an adult/father? Keep asking these types of questions and pondering the answers...

This 'approach' is not to make excuses for anyone's behavior - but to better understand it! There is a psychological/sociological principle (I believe called 'Fundamental Attribution Error') that states that we are much more likely to react to other peoples' (negative) behavior by making judgements about their character (assuming that behavior is reflective of their overall nature) - however if we were to engage in the same or similar behavior, we are much more likely to explain that behavior away by drawing attention to circumstantial or situational factors which we perceive contributed to that behavior. We often fail to do this for others - we tend to assume things about their character and don't account for all the different factors that could be influencing their behavior. So how does this relate to the topic at hand? With parents (in particular), we can be prone to reacting to their behavior in a very personal manner, like as if it's a reflection of our own self-worth (how we were treated). If a father wasn't very loving, the child may adopt the belief that it was his/her fault, or that he/she is 'unlovable' - or that he/she is flawed in some way and that's why love wasn't shared/received... We don't account for the complexities of the other individual involved and all of the factors that can contribute to how an individuals act & express themselves. There could be situations where unloving parents experienced the same type of treatment from their own parents and they are merely emulating the same type of conditioning that they themselves were exposed to as children and haven't (yet) healed from. But as a child - you don't understand these dynamics and the complexities that can be present, so you view what was experienced in a very limited and personal light! It's usually not until later in life that your state of awareness has become more developed and you are able to perceive the same experiences in a manner that you were unable to do at an earlier time in your life.

What I'm trying to encourage you to do is to really make an effort to step outside of your own shoes (perspective), and really try to explore and contemplate everything about your father's life experience - so that you can gain a much clearer understanding of how and why he is the way that he currently is.... Also remember that everyone is an ongoing work-in-progress - and just because someone like your father was a certain way for a certain period of time - it doesn't mean that he will be this way permanently (and I'm talking both in and beyond this lifetime). Some people are slower to learn life's lessons than others - and that's natural and okay.