Overwhelmed!

My mental illness is a depressive one,I also have PTSD,and physical chronic illness on the days when I am managing physically I suffer mentally and emotionally.Today is one of those days.I am very low and I feel sick I am also worrying about benefits again,I feel I will be accused of faking it cos I am on a benefits support group and a lot of people post there about being refused benefits even though they are ill.I worry this will happen to me too!
In my head when I am low everything that can go wrong is exaggerated and magnifies and I worry so much,I get emotionally distressed and my emotional pain immobilises me I just lie on the sofa unable to function,the isolation also immobilises me,I am so alone and afraid if they stop my money there is no one to turn to.I start to get paranoid and suspicious and lose touch with reality.I need help to get out of that state.Tonight I am depressed,sad and worry!

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. If the risk of disaster is realistically high for you then of course you are feeling badly. Do you see a psych and T regularly? And tell them how anxious you are? It is my understanding that to keep disability benefits--you need to keep treating them and your medical records will show this. I take any part times jobs I can get, no matter how low. I figure that a collection of low paying temporary gigs is a better backup than nothing! Concerning your paranoia--try to assess what is real (the facts--have you even been contacted about your benefits lately?) and what is your imagination. Maybe talk more about it right in this post.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I second Hopingtrying. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist? The therapist could help you process this and the psychiatrist could diagnose you and possibly provide relief for your anxiety. I wish you peace and healing. Sending big hugs.

sorry you're struggling

It can be frightening to think that people may not believe us in our struggles. I agree with the above that hopefully you have a good T who can travel this journey with you.

My depression has got worst today,I have sleep apnea so I have been asleep most of today,I am not feeling well.I haven't any energy or motivation....I want to cry I feel so awful.I need some help but there is no one to help and I am struggling.
I am so lonely and I feel vulnerable...I can't help but want to give up.It is not having the physical strength that I need is what drags me down,I don't want to go on like this anymore.I gave up eating meat and I think I am anaemic,so gonna supplement.

So sorry you are hurting and not feeling well. Have you reached out to a therapist who might be able to help you? Supplementing may be a good idea. I would encourage you to see a doctor if you can to try and help you get your strength up. Hugs to you.

I don't think a therapist can help me,I saw one last year and she wasn't any good.Tonight I feel agitated and restless but I am going to lie in bed and listen to the radio to try and settle down.I feel like I have to keep occupied, this is again part of my tendency to distract myself from what is going on inside me,this has got to stop it isn't right but I keep postponing the time when i just stop,stand still and look at and focus on what I have inside myself.I hope I can pluck up the courage to actually do this.

Meanwhile I keep busy and moving or stop and fall asleep,it is like those are the two modes I get into.My bad!Never mind I am going to bed with the radio on my headphones now!Goodnightxxx

I am struggling again tonight!I am overwhelmed by negative emotions.Please no one suggest therapy,the doctor has me on a waiting list for November and I have to wait until then,I have no money to access immediate therapy and like I said to go through the NHS I have to wait until November.Meanwhile tonight I feel ill I might have another virus I am sweating and I feel so very low,and tired but restless energy and agitated,angry and at the same time sad,such mixed emotions are exhausting.I don't know where to turn for help there is no one and I am alone all the time and getting to the point of isolation,it frightens me.

Today bad memories of the past and struggling in the present,overwhelmed with anger at family members and incidents from the past...memories that leave me feeling empty or angry,I was an object of desire,a slave, unvalued ,used,discarded......I have hatred inside me,there is one person who is trying to make it up to me that I want to forgive,my mother,I pray to God to help me forgive her.....she is seduced by materialism and greed that has always been her biggest failing,please God help me forgive mum.

I have been struck by a virus and am physically ill.My throat is red raw.I need help but there is none and I am so very lonely bordering on isolated.

Marylin, when I am coming down with a virus I sometimes feel more emotionally vulnerable - like my systems are under attack. I'm wondering if that could be part of what is happening with you too?

I find rest works wonders, if you can do this then I recommend it. Personally I think distraction can be helpful, listening to the radio or a little feelgood TV can help us unwind and take our mind of obsessive thoughts.

As for the benefits, I appreciate that in these times in the UK there is a climate of fear around benefit sanctions but it's also the case that the majority of appeals from those who have lost benefits are successful and then backdated. If the worst did happen then you would have the right to appeal.

Thanks for your reassuring words Prefabsprout,I started taking fish oils again and my depression improved.I don't know if I have another virus I was sweating excessively on my face,neck and scalp again tonight.I am going to try and get an appointment with my doctor this week coming.I was able to go to the pub for a meal tonight,I had veggie lasanga and chips with salad,afterwards I drank tea and ate a biscuit at the cafe.I was out two hours and then came home.I was meant to watch the film IT but I couldn't face watching a horror film with children in it!SCREAM!

I will take your advice Prefabsprout and try and get plenty of rest,I do feel vulnerable as if under attack,physically I feel exhausted all the time and have this problem with excessive sweating and I have sleep apnea so always get an interrupted night's sleep and always feel drowsy the following day.I am physically run down and need extra rest and to take care of myself.Self love and the discipline of faith helps.I do get lonely but I know God loves me and that helps me feel safe.Also yes if I am refused benefits I will appeal it all the way...so really I shouldn't fear this.

You probably know about this anyway but just in case here is a link for the CAB for benefits advice:

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/be...efit-decision/

Hey all ,so today was a better day,my depression has improved.I went to the internet cafe cos I had something I needed to print out.I had a coffee and spent time watching the movement of people around the cinema complex.

Some of you may have read my posts on here regarding my problem of face,neck and scalp sweating which I noticed today only happens when I eat or drink.I looked it up on the internet and this is to do with my diabetes affecting the nerves of the automatic system and digestion.I need to make an appointment and see the doctor about it.
I can avoid sweating at embarrassing times by planning my meal times carefully.Otherwise when I am out I carry a tea towel with me to mop the sweat away.The seller at the newspaper kiosk noted that I was sweating excessively and I explained to him it was due to diabetes,I did feel embarrassed that he has noticed.I will try and see my own doctor and not one I haven't been to before.

Yes my mood was better today not low.I tried to see a Malaysian film at the cinema but I only sat through ten minutes of it before I got fed up it was macho fighting crap and strict gender stereotypes and it was two hours long and I thought I can't sit through this crap for two hours,so I got up and walked out.I had another cup of tea at the cafe and came home.When I came home I worked out my budget for the next two weeks and now I am online relaxing with the tv on in the back ground.I am feeling more positive despite the ongoing physical and mental health issues.

It is good to have you good people here for support.Thanksxxx

Last night both my feet went numb for a good five minutes I couldn't feel them,and they went numb a bit today,then I could feel them but they were feeling a bit numb underneath.They still feel a bit numb.

I saw the doctor and told her the problems I am having,they gave me an urgent appointment 4pm today.She has send me for a diabetic review,to have blood tests done and my feet checked then when the results are in I have an appointment to see the diabetic nurse on 24th October.

That gives me three weeks to get my blood sugars down.The doctor says the nerves might not be permanently damaged they might just be irritated,getting the blood sugar down will prevent the nerves getting worse or damaged.So I am on a strict diet now no sugar foods apart from fruit and no juices only water.Plenty of vegetables,organic meat,no processed foods.

I am trying to keep myself positive,obviously I am fed up of all the health issues but it is my fault not eating healthy and eating junk.I hope I can learn my lesson now and take care of myself.I also had cancer last year and got rid of it by diet so the diet needs to improve to keep the cancer away too!

I have been doing chores today and I had to rush to the doctor's I had fifteen minutes to get to my appointment,I am tired now.I have had dinner and now I am going to rest until about 9pm,then I will have a shower.

Tomorrow I have more chores and I have to go to the post office.

Today I stayed off anything with sugar in it,there was no more numbness in my feet,a little bit in my right hand but nothing that worried me too much.I got to the post office and bank and came back home...I was too tired to go anywhere else.I came home and have been spending the day resting.I am up late I have been getting things sorted for the day I have planned for tomorrow.Just boring chat tonight...sorry to moan on..I hope you are all well.I have no news,still planning on eating healthy,lowering my blood sugar and improving my health.Another priority is to pay off debt and get ready for Christmas as well as stay as well as I can mentally considering my illnesses.

It is hard to learn from past mistakes when I keep repeating those mistakes...I am bad...I am a sinner....Jesus please forgive me and cleanse me from my sins..help me to live via your divine wisdom and heal me from my own weakness,....keep me from temptation.I feel like such a failure...I can't deal emotionally with my current life...I need help.I MUST eat healthily and stop indulging in crap food.....love me,save me help me PLEASE!

I stopped eating out so much at the pub and I bought a load of healthy fruit and veg for my fortnightly shop...I treated myself to a bar of chocolate for today.Gonna eat mostly raw veg cos I can't use the oven or hob cos I burn myself and forget what I am doing in the middle of things when in the kitchen I need someone to make sure I am safe and no one is around to help.I am still lonely I wonder if in the future I will always be alone..it scares me to think I will.I am still upset about things and anxious and worried and full of fear.How do I stop worrying I have to hope that my faith is bigger than my fear.

I have had a couple of good weeks.I have been going out most nights watching films at the cinema.My diet went bad again,I have been eating KFC but I am looking to stop all take away junk foods this week.....Depression has lifted.I am feeling ok and almost content.I am still feeling a bit isolated and definitely lonely.

I saw the play Cabaret at the theatre on November 4 and this saturday November 18th I am meeting up with my niece to see a show,ballroom dancing with Strictly dancers Vincent and Flavia.My niece and I are going to eat at Nandos after!

Mid November and can you believe I have done all my christmas shopping almost,I wrapped up loads of prezzies.I only have my niece's big prezzie to get she is going to choose some shoes and try them on and I will pay for them.

It is quiet here this morning.Today I am expecting my grocery delivery at 8am.Then a restful day.I am going to see another film this evening...probably have a coffee first at my favourite cafe.

I am thankful that things are going well.I am looking forward to christmas I will get to spend time with my niece,she is going to the US in January to spend six months at UCLA studying.I will miss her but it is a wonderful opportunity for her and she will love it ,it with be quite an experience to be in the US and Los Angeles at that!I will miss her though but it won't take long to pass,six months.

I was supposed to reach the top of the waiting list for one to one CBT therapy this month but they haven't contacted me yet.I will probably hold on a bit longer to see if they get in touch and if not I will ring them to find out why they haven't.

I am glad you are doing better!!! And am happy you are hanging out with your niece. Sending hugs!!!!

Not sure if this post belongs here but I will post it here.it is to do with being overwhelmed today with ANGER!!!!!!!!

Today started off ok.Yesterday was meant to be grocery delivery day but the supermarket cancelled on me,they still charged my card and the money went into the pending payments queue in the bank.So I reordered for today and they delivered this morning and I got charged again.I got on the phone to them to get me the first lot of money back,I was so angry I said they never should have presented for payment seeing as they cancelled.Now I have had two lots pf payments for shopping deducted both over a £100 and that is a lot of money and it is overdraft money so I am being charged interest.I am told it can take 48 hours for the money to be refunded.So fuming about that!Cursing and swearing a lot.

The other things I am angry about.I ordered soup from a speciality grocers shop 60 miles away from where i live.They usually send by Royal Mail.This time they said Royal Mail is too expensive £15 but they would send by courier for £8.95.She still charged me £13 for delivery,couldn't tell me the name of the courier,didn't take my email to give to the courier to provide me with tracking,took my money out of the bank and washed their hands of me,it is a week later and I haven't received the soup and have no idea who the courier is to get in touch with them and don't have the email address of the Grocer .I have the phone number I rang them Tuesday after ordering friday and they said the courier had picked up my order and left half an hour ago.It is thursday and I haven't heard a thing and she didn't know when I asked who the courier was to give me details.The money for the soup has left my bank account and I have no soup or info so I am angry and fuming about that and the casual way they deal with me.SO ****ING ANgrY again!

Another thing that angered me I have a small brass plaque on my door asking people not to trespass,please no salesmen,no charity callers and no sales catalogues or take ways leaflets to be posted through my door,but some ****er has thi last two weeks been putting ****ing take away leaflets through my door.I am fuming angry about that too.

I am tired and that makes the anger worse.I had the supermarket shop delivered early this morning 8am.I slept after putting the shopping away until 12pm,went to the cinema complex saw a film until 3pm,spent an hour in the coffee shop and three hours in the pub,had a meal and a few drinks and came home at 6pm.I got the supermarket customer service on the phone about the charge for the shopping and had a rant.then I looked up the soup grocer on facebook and had a rant to them through messenger.I am still wound up and trying to let these three irritating frustrations go but can't hence the rant on here.

Tomorrow I have chores to do which will be tiring and I am not looking forward to them so that makes me upset too.In fact I won't be happy until Saturday when I finally get to spend time with my niece after almost two months apart.In fact I am so angry and frustrated I think I will go mad soon!

Deep breaths and calm down and be patient and stop cursing and swearing and blaming people.You had a nice time out today even if you got angry and wound up when you got home.be calm,be quiet,be at peace, love yourself, love god,Love Jesus love other people even if they have made you angry and got things wrong and not how you like them and not sorted stuff out for you quickly enough for your liking.Have patience,calm down,forgive,let go,go with the flow,release all resistance......

Well things are getting negative again and I am depressed.I had my niece around for a meal,we had theatre tickets but because I had a bad cold we couldn't go!I had a sore throat,sneezing,coughing,fever and chills/I have to get a medical certificate from my doctor so I can claim the theatre ticket money back cos I bought ticket insurance.
I will get the certificate from my doctor on Monday and send it off/I had an enjoyable day/evening at home with my niece.

I am looking forward to seeing my mum and niece over christmas I have presents all wrapped up ready and planned to see my niece at least three times.I am depressed sad cos she is going to the US on January 4,to study at UCLA,Los Angeles.I won't see her again for six months I will miss her.It will remind me that apart from my niece and my mum I am all alone in the world.I fear growing apart from my niece and fear that we will grow apart and lose touch,I worry that she will lose interest in me,I will be old ,ugly,infirm and alone and lonely.

Then I reflect and think it isn't too late at 53 to make an effort and meet new people but I have huge fears over socialising and forming relationships I have had social anxiety all my life.Today I am low because I have had a severe cold for the last four or five days and it is making me feel miserable.And I will miss my niece and I have fears about her safety in Los Angeles....we will be in touch via skype and facebook.But it isn't the same and seeing her every month.

I have always been close to loved ones and relied on them for companionship and to distract from my personal problems making friends and finding partners.It is wrong I know and I have to think more along the lines of making a life for me and finding connections with others for myself,to feel loved to have attention and love of my own.If I am honest I don't think I will ever achieve that.I am getting older I have chronic illness and disabilities and for a partner people want someone fit and energetic,I haven't got any get up and go and laughter and gun ho in me.
Then I think maybe there is someone out there compatible and just right for me.

I am low tonight and I have to go tomorrow to an eye check and I feel too tired and depressed to go I am thinking of cancelling it but I will go cos it will only have to be rescheduled....my heart is heavy tonight.

UPDATE:I rang tonight and left a message at the eye clinic asking them to cancel and re-schedule my appointment cos this cold has left me too weak to go.I can stay indoors all day tomorrow and rest.

I am wondering if it is the physical decline from the severe cold I have caught that is causing my mental symptoms of depression etc
I also have waited over four months to get one to one CBT they were meant to contact me this month for my turn the psychological services and they haven't yet.I also started an online science course but couldn't handle the maths content so failed to complete it.That proves to me once again that I am stupid and incapable to achieving anything cerebral,I am yet again a failure.

On top of that myself,my mum and my narc sister who had tried to kill me for over 35 years we have all had cancer scares this last three years.My narc sister has gallstones and unidentified mass in her gallbladder the doctors said they can't rule out cancer until they operate and do a biopsy.My mum had grade 2 womb cancer and was given a hysterectomy.I got diagnosed in 2015 with womb cancer grade 1 I refused a hysterectomy and started a natural foods diet and took CBD capsules .I got the all clear in July this year.

I kinda get involved with narc sister cos she is my elderly mum's carer and we share responsibility for her cos she is in a wheelchair.With narc sister being ill it means I have to step up more with mum's care cos carer's have to be brought in and I have to keep an eye on things whilst sis is in hospital etc But ordinarily narc sis and I don't talk or meet up going on 3 years now unless practicalities need sorting and to be discussed.

So all three of us have cancer scares and now narc sis might have it.I don't want her to die but it is confusing and upsetting.I mean she tried to kill me literally by deliberately abusing me and my home so that I became suicidal and threw myself in front of a car,she pretended to love me whilst working to undermine my physical and mental health.Then I got cancer,and felt it might be life threatening,then mum got cancer and I had to text with narc to work together to get her well.Now narc might have cancer and I don't know how to react,I am being non emotional,I don't want her to die but I think about how she tried to kill me and part of me thinks well maybe it serves her right and I do hate her for the violence she and her husband directed towards me and for trying to take my life for the inheritance.Using my mental health illness to make me look bad and herself look good,she has always been jealous of me and competitive.Now I have to step up for mum but physically and mentally I have to be careful cos any pressure or stress and I will collapse.Emotionally with us all being ill it is upsetting and overwhelming.

I seem to have spent my whole life caring and caretaking my mum,my sister and my sister's family with no time for myself and only going from one illness to another myself.

I am sorry this post is so long and complicated.I am all alone writing it all here is the closest I get to letting it all out of myself and sharing the burdens.Thanks for reading and to anyone that replies.I am so lonely tonightxxx

Marylin, I am feeling my heart strings tugged right now. I can in particular identifiy with worry about finances and maintaining one's disability assistance.

Several things are coming to my mind. One, talk to your psychiatrist. There are medications that will help ease this worry, the racing thoughts, etc.

You have mentioned a failed therapy experience and this pertains to my second thought. I am guessing here that catastrophic, black and white, and 'fortunetelling' thinking are an issue. I found Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to be very helpful. It offered me some great coping strategies. Fortunately there are some great self directed programs available. Find yourself a good book - preferrably one with a lot of worksheets and exercises.