hurt and worthless

Hi, I posted elsewhere the particulars. At the end of day, after having my face rubbed in it i am really quite hurt. I resent both exes for once again kicking me in the teeth when I am down and reminding me cruelly that my destitute financial (disability assistance) status is lowly. I can't compete for the affections of my own children and it really hurts and makes me feel like crud. This time was all the worse as they trod over me within hours of each other as though they were a tag team.

I really feel quite terrible about myself. There are a lot of emotions. This time I feel bullied and laughed at. I feel like a failure who isn't even worth the love of her own children.

Justafriend, is there some one/or some people you can spend time with who you can trust not to say hurtful things, who you can trust? If so then it might be a good idea to seek them out.

I read your other thread and it sounds like both your exes and your kids all had adgendas for saying what they did. They were likely defensive and so went on the attack, but it was not compassionate to accuse you of choosing your current life.

I sometimes feel like 'the holidays' can bring out the worst in some people, as they become fixated with their own plans.

Hi -- I am very sorry for how you're feeling. That is a terrible feeling. I wish I had words of comfort for you. I just want to lend my support and let you know someone cares about your feelings. ((((((Hugs))))))

Yes, I have someone close to me I can talk to about this and he has tried to be supportive. The problem comes down to my inability to compete for my children's time and attention. No amount of emotional support from a loved one can repair how I feel. When someone buys you $500 hair dryers, trips, and a Christmas on the slopes, my hard pressed for $25 gift seems to be no more than a disappointing joke. Why would they possibly want to make a 10hr drive to spend time with me when a 4hr drive to a ski resort is the alternative?

Please forgive me if I am being rude, I sometimes struggle to see things from anothers perspective. What I am about to say is meant with genuine feeling.

I don't hold value on material possessions/fancy trips myself. It is really difficult for me to get in the heads of those who do. For me I would genuinely be happy with a $25 gift and time with my mother.

You shouldn't feel like you have to compete.

This is exactly how things ought to be!

I hold my (adult) children accountable for making me feel crappy too. They are allowing themselves to get all starry-eyed over the money spent on them. They are making the choice to turn down or renege on plans and invitations. I honestly thought I raised them to be better people than this.

Why? Because family is not about money. You don’t need to compete. Is there more to all this? I really can’t comprehend this. How can both kids be this way?

Well, kids are exposed to so many influences growing up, we can do our best but sometimes they will absorb other values we did not want them too.

You can't control that they are going skiing and that might seem 'off' but sometimes it's better to work on acceptance. I do think however that expecting you to change your gift buying plans to fit in with the skiing trip is not reasonable, you have every right to stick to your own plans - pressumably you have better manners than to tell other people what to buy their kids, maybe remind your ex that.

Is it possible to be 'above' all this yet still feel hurt? Because I am quite aware that it ought not to be a competition. I am quite aware that the love and support I give to my children ought to be more than enough for them and that a cheap gift I can barely manage should be enough.

But am I to ignore these things and the emotional response when such etiquette is broached?

Your feelings are your feelings, they are not right or wrong they just are.

Of course it is natural that you feel hurt, and I think it is healthy to acknowledge that and talk it through with those you trust and or on here.

When it comes to your ex I would personally be careful how much of the hurt response you let him see, especially if he is deliberately trying to 'up' you. With your kids I'm presuming you have told them you are hurt by the plan change already?

Unfortunately we live in a world where there is a lot of narcissism and that can lead to one's own children getting sucked into an unhealthy way of determining the true value of someone and that it doesn't have anything to do with how much that person can give them monetarily.

I have adult children too,who have to all intents and purposes,
become my X wife. There is great power to be wielded by the
parent who is with the children,and indeed,sometimes the children want to BE just like the present parent. In that respect, I
have to tell self "my children" no longer exist;the persons inside
their bodies,are NOT my children . . .they are the "parent name",
that parents 'gang' if you like. Sore as hell,but the truth to bear.
Compassion,
BLUEDOVE