[BorderingOnDelusion]

I have hit a point in my life where I no longer care what other people think. I have come to terms with where I am and I know I am in my life. I know I am doing the best I can even if some days it feels like I’m doing nothing at all. I know the struggle I go through every day and I have learned to be proud of myself to get through each day.

I struggle, not just daily but hourly, though each minute. People look at me like how can there be anything wrong with you? You look find, you act normal. I don’t like to open up too many people but when I do that’s usually the response. But I mean, how do most of these people even know, my first attempt at opening up to them and I get that response, back in my shell I go.

I didn’t always have this much control its taken years of practice, and torture and very patient people who do want to help me. People who have seen me at my worst not me pretending to be ok. There was so much pain through the years. Control is a hard thing when you don’t know what’s wrong with you. Lashing out, telling and hurting the people your closest too. The worst part is when you see yourself doing this and your unable to stop. When sadness turns to anger and is unable to make its way back fear creeps in and leave a path for doubt to follow. This makes it hard to control the rage because its not just rage anymore now it’s a monster and its bigger then you, stretching you from the inside out because its wants to slowly take you over so that there is nothing left of the original.

I’m sad to say I let it win. I thought I was making steps towards getting better but as it turned out I had totally lost myself to the monster. The worst part was I didn’t even know. I thought the empty feeling was the meds but it wasn’t.

It took someone important to me in all the wrong ways dying for me to realize that I had become the terrifying monster I had tried so hard to contain. It was like a shock, ironically, I saw a light. Somewhere in my heart I feel like it was him. The man who taught me all the values I cherished so much and had lost was coming to who me the way again.

The one good thing about this monster is that when you have something left to hate it leaves you empty, and when something is empty can be refilled. Now monsters have claws and claws will leave tears and scars on the soul making the process much harder. Even taking it day by day things can be difficult. There can be set backs, heartbreak, loss, finances. I feel like I wear these heavier then most people because in a way I miss the weight of the monster and I’m trying to replace it. It may have been bad but it was constant and it made sense.

I have bad days, well weeks mostly. Like this week. I’m not totally sure what’s wrong, I think it's just everything but I feel like whatever was holding me together a month ago has let go. I want to cry but I wont, so instead I just feel like every cell in my body has given up on me. I hide myself in my room and make excuses not to leave, joke around just enough so that people don’t ask questions. But it's fake. The scars are burning and the wounds have reopened. This time I don’t know how to make the bleeding stop, and without the monster I feel everything.

The weight of my little world is heavy on my weakened shoulders. But I will make it though because what choice do I have. Its what is expected. I just feel like everything is falling apart and I don’t know how to bring it together again because this time I want to go down with the ship. I wish I could ask for help but there is no one left to talk to. All the love in the world but not a soul to pay attention.

[Skeezyks]

"I wish I could ask for help but there is no one left to talk to. All the love in the world but not a soul to pay attention."

Yes, I can relate to that. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. Things move pretty quickly here. It can take a while to become known. But there's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. So please keep posting. I wish you well...

[mikerhaord]

absolutely right