[happysobercrafter]

It took me a LONG time to get to that point!! So, I am sharing it here in the hope anyone who reads this benefits from this.

I was raised in a monstrous household. Psycopathic sadistic mother, my two older sisters followed her steps. All three of them abused me routinely. Because of that I have a lot of mental health issues ( I hate the term mental illness) depression, Complex PTSD etc...I isted them in my signature.

Anyway, what I do is I accept them, no matter what they are. It took me YEARS to get to that point. Once I realized how powerful accepting my emotions was, I was hooked. I realized that I would get to the solution I needed because once I accepted how I felt about whatever happened, my thinking began to clear up and my soul began to heal. The healing was tiny, but it was there.I could feel it.

This is the thing about accepting: what is part of our realities, we cannot change that. I flesh and blood mother and sisters almost destroyed me. Most of my childhood is a complete blank, that is how violent it was. Carrying that around inside of me was killing me, slowly. And getting through it was painful. I cried for days about that but I got through it. Once I got through it, it stopped bothering me as much as it did. Is it gone? No, but it is greatly reduced. The experiences are too deeply ingrained, they will never disappear but they are much quieter than they were.

So, when something bothers me, upsets me, I say to myself, I fully accept that this bothers me. I embrace it, I validate it. That is the key because our emotions are part of us to help us. They let us know when something is great or very wrong, plus everything in between. And you know what happens when I accept something that bothers me? I begin to think of solutions to manage that situation. And that, right there? That is one of the best feelings a person can experience, I believe.

It not only stops bothering me, but I resolve it. It does not continue to make me cringe or feel shame. I resolve it to the best of my ability.

That? That is pure power.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing this. It is actually a very Buddhist approach. In the ancient Tibetan Lojong (mind training) practices we are taught to allow things (emotions, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, etc.) to be there just the way they are. Whenever something such as this comes up with me, I breathe into it & perhaps smile to it. I may even place a hand over my heart as a sign of lovingkindness & compassion for it. I then simply allow it to fade at it's own pace. It is a practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

[happysobercrafter]

It astonishes me how simple healing becomes once we get the hang of it.

[Gus1234U]

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

It took me a LONG time to get to that point!! So, I am sharing it here in the hope anyone who reads this benefits from this.

Thanks for sharing.

I think I have some sort of cPTSD too but I'm also alexithymic so I haven't yet found any therapist who can help me access and manage emotions. It's not the fault of the therapists, alexithymia just makes it very hard to notice, recognize and access feelings and they remain in a raw unprocessed form, remaining subconscious, getting stuck and so they cause other issues too instead.

If I do manage to get to a feeling it's way too strong then. So I'm really just asking... what does this acceptance mean? I just want the negativity leave me alone so I can do productive things instead. So I just want it out of the way, so I keep analysing when it starts coming on, to find a solution to whatever's causing the negativity (people/relationship issues), but it takes so long to put it all together. And I would REALLY like to be able to only dedicate part of the day to this analysing and negativity, I want to be able to do other things too!!

I realized that I would get to the solution I needed because once I accepted how I felt about whatever happened, my thinking began to clear up and my soul began to heal. The healing was tiny, but it was there.I could feel it.

I mean I am currently able to feel the negativity but what do I do with this idea of accepting?

And why I said "currently able to feel", well, when I get up in the morning, I do not even feel it, all emotion and motivation is just blocked out, so I can only do simple routine/very habitual activities but nothing else - so this delay in getting into the negative emotions also wastes my time!!

This is the thing about accepting: what is part of our realities, we cannot change that. I flesh and blood mother and sisters almost destroyed me. Most of my childhood is a complete blank, that is how violent it was. Carrying that around inside of me was killing me, slowly.

For me it wasn't family but eh, I did have very bad experiences that I did not even react to emotionally until it all started coming out last year. And then I became sensitive af, and then I continued receiving bad experiences, even worse than before, because I don't know what happened but my IRL friends (I only had 2 though) all decided to distance, I guess they must've sensed I feel negative and that must've been uncomfortable for them. Etc... (Online people also managed to cause bad experiences, sometimes even inadvertently, sometimes deliberately, whatever, I was being extremely sensitive, less now, that's one thing that's better now.)

And getting through it was painful. I cried for days about that but I got through it. Once I got through it, it stopped bothering me as much as it did. Is it gone? No, but it is greatly reduced. The experiences are too deeply ingrained, they will never disappear but they are much quieter than they were.

I WANT to know what you mean by getting through it! Can you say more on this? Do you just mean crying for a while and then it stopped naturally?

I do not think that works for me.

So, when something bothers me, upsets me, I say to myself, I fully accept that this bothers me. I embrace it, I validate it. That is the key because our emotions are part of us to help us. They let us know when something is great or very wrong, plus everything in between. And you know what happens when I accept something that bothers me? I begin to think of solutions to manage that situation. And that, right there? That is one of the best feelings a person can experience, I believe.

Yeah, I feel the negativity then after a while I start analysing but my solution-finding takes forever due to the issues with people being so complex.

[tevelygo]

I also wonder if venting helps any of you. Does it? I have hardly any way to do that.

Thanks to alexithymia and to the fact that there is barely anyone I can talk to because obviously I can't regularly talk about negative issues for long to people, it's difficult for me to get to that point.

(Thanks to the alexithymia again, apparently I have to keep talking for hours about the issues I am analysing and trying to solve, intellectually, before I'm able to feel enough. And obviously that's draining to people after a while. And no, the IRL friends I said that left did not have me talk much to them. It's online people who I sometimes talk to like this.)

But if I manage to do it, it does seem to help... I kind of almost got into it here in some places while making my above post here.

[tevelygo]

@OP

Also I'm sorry if this feels like I went too off topic. (Thank you if you didn't mind reading/"hearing out" me.)

I just REALLY want to know what you meant by getting through all the emotional pain/negativity. That is what I would like to achieve, get through it all and contain it finally and then get on with my life.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Thanks for sharing this. It is actually a very Buddhist approach. In the ancient Tibetan Lojong (mind training) practices we are taught to allow things (emotions, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, etc.) to be there just the way they are. Whenever something such as this comes up with me, I breathe into it & perhaps smile to it. I may even place a hand over my heart as a sign of lovingkindness & compassion for it. I then simply allow it to fade at it's own pace. It is a practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

I tried now what's written at the link. I just cried bad at the end of the attempt for this practice. I don't feel less tired to be able to do other (productive) things instead. I just felt like I was sinking into the emotionality more. Not really releasing it.

I mean, intellectually I've figured out already what was wrong with my past with people and how to avoid getting into such issues again, but it doesn't seem to be enough to be able to move on.

Tbh though part of it is fixing or moving on from relationships that I cannot make better (and those friends that disappeared... were such relationships, and also another person), where I cannot get my needs met emotionally, and yes this was of course very painful too, and that's maybe normal, but the last one I'm moving on from I have not been able to close up, the other ones yes, they were less close to me. Tbh though part of it is fixing or moving on from relationships that I cannot make better (and those friends that disappeared... were such relationships, and also another person), where I cannot get my needs met emotionally, and yes this was of course very painful too, and that's maybe normal, but the last one I'm moving on from I have not been able to close up, the other ones yes, they were less close to me. ...and said less hurtful things, too.

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by tevelygo

@OP

Also I'm sorry if this feels like I went too off topic. (Thank you if you didn't mind reading/"hearing out" me.)

I just REALLY want to know what you meant by getting through all the emotional pain/negativity. That is what I would like to achieve, get through it all and contain it finally and then get on with my life.

Hi, Tevelygo,

First of all, I am not a therapist or counselor of any kind!! I will answer your questions as best I can, but I admit, I am nervous about it. The very last thing I want to do is add to your problems.

I had to face and work through the bad memories I had from my childhood. For example, my mother would say hateful things to me without even looking at me. That wounded me deeply. It make me feel unworthy. All I heard from her and my two older sisters was that I was useless, worthless, nothing I said mattered. They did nothing to help me or take proper care of me. I never heard from any of them that they loved me or were proud of anything I did. Nothing won their approval. I grew up thinking I was defective.

That hurt me deeply. Their hateful behavior became the self-destructive foundation I struggled to build my life on. In order for me to heal and get better, I could not continue to ignore it or stuff in down deeper inside me. I could not continue to get drunk or stuff myself with food in vain attempts to escape it. I had to sit myself down and accept the fact that my mother and two older sisters abused me so badly that I became an alcoholic. I had to face it, I had to breathe it, I had to acknowledge it. It is a huge part of my reality. I listened to the hypnotherapy session I recorded with my psychotherapist for me to access that part of me that was so buried and out of my reach. I would listen to it at least twice a day and I just allowed my self to cry as much as I needed to. Everyone heals differently. That is what helped me.

Am I making sense?

[MickeyCheeky]

Thanks for sharing

[LEARN2018]

Thanks for the reminder of the importance of recognizing what we are going through. Sometimes I just distract myself and don't really face the issue.

[happysobercrafter]

Astonishing, isn't it? They keep coming at us and only leave us in peace once we validate them.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Hi, Tevelygo,

First of all, I am not a therapist or counselor of any kind!! I will answer your questions as best I can, but I admit, I am nervous about it. The very last thing I want to do is add to your problems.

Oh, thanks and don't worry about it. It's not your responsibility what I get to think about your thoughts. It's not like I'm going to follow anything like the Bible. It's just stuff that can make me think further if that makes sense. So thanks for that!

I had to face and work through the bad memories I had from my childhood. For example, my mother would say hateful things to me without even looking at me. That wounded me deeply. It make me feel unworthy. All I heard from her and my two older sisters was that I was useless, worthless, nothing I said mattered. They did nothing to help me or take proper care of me. I never heard from any of them that they loved me or were proud of anything I did. Nothing won their approval. I grew up thinking I was defective.

That hurt me deeply. Their hateful behavior became the self-destructive foundation I struggled to build my life on. In order for me to heal and get better, I could not continue to ignore it or stuff in down deeper inside me. I could not continue to get drunk or stuff myself with food in vain attempts to escape it. I had to sit myself down and accept the fact that my mother and two older sisters abused me so badly that I became an alcoholic. I had to face it, I had to breathe it, I had to acknowledge it. It is a huge part of my reality.

Hm you described this really well.

I listened to the hypnotherapy session I recorded with my psychotherapist for me to access that part of me that was so buried and out of my reach. I would listen to it at least twice a day and I just allowed my self to cry as much as I needed to. Everyone heals differently. That is what helped me.

OK what I don't understand is:

- What was in the session? Just you describing the issue? Anything else?
- If it was just you describing the issue emotionally, was it like very direct wording emotionally? Can you give me some example of what it looked like?
- Did you just keep crying for a while and then did the crying just stop one day? Or did you have to do further thinking/sorting it out in your head?
- If you just needed to cry, did you only need to cry for a few days like you indicated in your OP and then did it all already become much less of a pain emotionally? Or did it take way longer than just a few days to get to that point?
- One more thing (from earlier if you don't mind), does venting generally help you?

Am I making sense?

Yes thanks, and I hope you don't mind my questions.

[happysobercrafter]

First, I apologize that it took me so long to respond! I am still finding my way around here. And I thank you for complimenting me on my description. I work hard on my writing! And now on to answering your questions:

I LOVE questions!!!

The hypnotherapy session I recorded was my therapist guiding me into deep relaxation where I envisioned myself entering a large room that looked like a huge library with great spaces, magnificent windows with breathtaking views, and beautiful floors. Then she directed me to a bookshelf that contained volumes of my life events. She directed me to take down the volume that was in red letters, to open the book and walk over to the nearby window. Looking outside, I could see a raging river, flowing downhill out of my sight.
She directed me to open the book, tear out pages, wad them up and throw them into the river to watch them go down the stream and over the waterfall where I would never see them again.

That got me started in opening the wounds that would not heal but kept me locked in my self-destructiveness. Until I got to the place, I believed the hateful self-loathing those three (mother and my two older sisters) pounded into my head routinely growing up.

I cannot remember how long I listened to the sessions. Several days, possibly, but that was what I needed. Your experience will be unique to you, which you probably already know. And, yes, as I got my way through it, the tears stopped. Now, in writing this out, I have no tears at all. I have Complex PTSD, so I have flashbacks that rarely stop. I don’t listen to them like I once did. I don’t have the anxiety they used to cause me.

And, that is because I vent. Venting does me worlds of good! I practice venting whenever I need to and however many times I need to, so it reduces its power over me. Some issues are deeply ingrained and take more work. Some may never go away, but they get a little quieter. I sit down and write out what is bothering me, so I can get past it and see options I can use to resolve it. Or if I am out running errands and something pops into my mind, I run it through my head if necessary. I am still working to make this a habit because I realized recently that some of the thoughts that go through my mind are old negative behavior that I am so used to that it doesn’t set off any alarms. I want it to be like an everyday habit, flowing naturally.

Now, I have a fresh perspective on that which I know will help me! You provided me with that by asking me these questions! I Thank You!!!

In closing, I still go through some old poisonous abuse I endured to better understand what happened and why. Something triggers it, or it just shows up. These thoughts have layers; I address one and what is beneath or connected to it bubbles up to be addressed and so forth. Over time, they have gotten easier for me to manage because I have better habits now and I am grateful for that!

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

First, I apologize that it took me so long to respond! I am still finding my way around here. And I thank you for complimenting me on my description. I work hard on my writing!

Hey, I apologize too for my delay. I was checking in here for a while but then I could not go back to checking the forum again. And np

And now on to answering your questions:

I LOVE questions!!!

Cool then

The hypnotherapy session I recorded was my therapist guiding me into deep relaxation where I envisioned myself entering a large room that looked like a huge library with great spaces, magnificent windows with breathtaking views, and beautiful floors. Then she directed me to a bookshelf that contained volumes of my life events. She directed me to take down the volume that was in red letters, to open the book and walk over to the nearby window. Looking outside, I could see a raging river, flowing downhill out of my sight.
She directed me to open the book, tear out pages, wad them up and throw them into the river to watch them go down the stream and over the waterfall where I would never see them again.

That got me started in opening the wounds that would not heal but kept me locked in my self-destructiveness. Until I got to the place, I believed the hateful self-loathing those three (mother and my two older sisters) pounded into my head routinely growing up.

Thanks for the description again.

I cannot remember how long I listened to the sessions. Several days, possibly, but that was what I needed. Your experience will be unique to you, which you probably already know. And, yes, as I got my way through it, the tears stopped. Now, in writing this out, I have no tears at all. I have Complex PTSD, so I have flashbacks that rarely stop. I don’t listen to them like I once did. I don’t have the anxiety they used to cause me.

It'd be really great if I could let go of all my stuff in several days in a significant enough way.

I'd like to get to this place where it's just a trace of the feelings yeah.

And, that is because I vent. Venting does me worlds of good! I practice venting whenever I need to and however many times I need to, so it reduces its power over me. Some issues are deeply ingrained and take more work. Some may never go away, but they get a little quieter. I sit down and write out what is bothering me, so I can get past it and see options I can use to resolve it. Or if I am out running errands and something pops into my mind, I run it through my head if necessary. I am still working to make this a habit because I realized recently that some of the thoughts that go through my mind are old negative behavior that I am so used to that it doesn’t set off any alarms. I want it to be like an everyday habit, flowing naturally.

Ah this is good. For me I have this issue that I have some kind of pain still that I can't easily transform into an actual emotional state that I could vent about... Does that make sense?

Now, I have a fresh perspective on that which I know will help me! You provided me with that by asking me these questions! I Thank You!!!

Really glad to hear that, that my questions actually helped you too

In closing, I still go through some old poisonous abuse I endured to better understand what happened and why. Something triggers it, or it just shows up. These thoughts have layers; I address one and what is beneath or connected to it bubbles up to be addressed and so forth. Over time, they have gotten easier for me to manage because I have better habits now and I am grateful for that!

Yeah, I think this makes sense... what better habits helped you here?

[happysobercrafter]

"Ah this is good. For me I have this issue that I have some kind of pain still that I can't easily transform into an actual emotional state that I could vent about... Does that make sense?"

Like a vague idea that something is wrong or off and you can't put your finger on it?

"Yeah, I think this makes sense... what better habits helped you here?"

I try to go easier on myself and I run my acceptance script through my head if I need to. Somedays, I try to keep it going through my day, repeating it like a mantra. Some days it helps and some days, it just exhausts me.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

"Ah this is good. For me I have this issue that I have some kind of pain still that I can't easily transform into an actual emotional state that I could vent about... Does that make sense?"

Like a vague idea that something is wrong or off and you can't put your finger on it?

No, it's more like, the pain is a (fake, not real) physical sensation... not a proper emotional state. Hence cannot be managed with any emotional management techniques. I've read up recently on alexithymia resulting from trauma and apparently it's certain changes in the brain resulting in such disconnection from emotions. I once lucked out and managed to transform much of the pain to actual emotion (i.e. reconnected to the emotion directly enough) and that helped a lot, but some leftover is still not transformed...

"Yeah, I think this makes sense... what better habits helped you here?"

I try to go easier on myself and I run my acceptance script through my head if I need to. Somedays, I try to keep it going through my day, repeating it like a mantra. Some days it helps and some days, it just exhausts me.

Thanks, I see. I realize my issue is somewhat different from many people's on here, with how my issue is not about judging myself or my emotions directly but proper access to emotions is what's hardest for me. Though part of that is definitely about judging them as not necessary or making sense... like if it is a really bad feeling about someone who I really cared for in a special sense hurting me, then yeah, that sort of thing gets blocked out and gets disconnected. Too traumatic if that makes sense, and additionally I judge it as not making sense to my default approach to things... I sometimes have accidentally managed to put that default approach out of the way for a second and then that did help. But I can't do it out of my own volition unless I luck out.

(edit: And I mentioned a few people previously who I've had issues with in this fashion, also in the post I quoted below, and for the one where I said I was not able to move on, I could not luck out and connect for that one second even. I've half done it and that's definitely better than before, though.)

Ok well, if that made any sense then cool.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by tevelygo

I tried now what's written at the link. I just cried bad at the end of the attempt for this practice. I don't feel less tired to be able to do other (productive) things instead. I just felt like I was sinking into the emotionality more. Not really releasing it.

I mean, intellectually I've figured out already what was wrong with my past with people and how to avoid getting into such issues again, but it doesn't seem to be enough to be able to move on.

Tbh though part of it is fixing or moving on from relationships that I cannot make better (and those friends that disappeared... were such relationships, and also another person), where I cannot get my needs met emotionally, and yes this was of course very painful too, and that's maybe normal, but the last one I'm moving on from I have not been able to close up, the other ones yes, they were less close to me. Tbh though part of it is fixing or moving on from relationships that I cannot make better (and those friends that disappeared... were such relationships, and also another person), where I cannot get my needs met emotionally, and yes this was of course very painful too, and that's maybe normal, but the last one I'm moving on from I have not been able to close up, the other ones yes, they were less close to me. ...and said less hurtful things, too.

As for this, I want to add that I've been able to move on, in theory, in practice I want to talk to this person too to close it up.

[mrsselig]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

It took me a LONG time to get to that point!! So, I am sharing it here in the hope anyone who reads this benefits from this.

I was raised in a monstrous household. Psycopathic sadistic mother, my two older sisters followed her steps. All three of them abused me routinely. Because of that I have a lot of mental health issues ( I hate the term mental illness) depression, Complex PTSD etc...I isted them in my signature.

Anyway, what I do is I accept them, no matter what they are. It took me YEARS to get to that point. Once I realized how powerful accepting my emotions was, I was hooked. I realized that I would get to the solution I needed because once I accepted how I felt about whatever happened, my thinking began to clear up and my soul began to heal. The healing was tiny, but it was there.I could feel it.

This is the thing about accepting: what is part of our realities, we cannot change that. I flesh and blood mother and sisters almost destroyed me. Most of my childhood is a complete blank, that is how violent it was. Carrying that around inside of me was killing me, slowly. And getting through it was painful. I cried for days about that but I got through it. Once I got through it, it stopped bothering me as much as it did. Is it gone? No, but it is greatly reduced. The experiences are too deeply ingrained, they will never disappear but they are much quieter than they were.

So, when something bothers me, upsets me, I say to myself, I fully accept that this bothers me. I embrace it, I validate it. That is the key because our emotions are part of us to help us. They let us know when something is great or very wrong, plus everything in between. And you know what happens when I accept something that bothers me? I begin to think of solutions to manage that situation. And that, right there? That is one of the best feelings a person can experience, I believe.

It not only stops bothering me, but I resolve it. It does not continue to make me cringe or feel shame. I resolve it to the best of my ability.

That? That is pure power.

Wow....thank you so much for sharing this! I'm so sorry you had such a toxic childhood and abusive mother/sisters....so very sorry. I'm so excited for you that you came out of this and found a way to heal.

What you wrote about acceptance, is very profound and very helpful to many people. This really helps me tonight...I just wanted to share that with you. Thank you.