[Silk Chaos]

"You have to believe that something better will come" is something that my counselor repeatedly tells me. I don't. For nearly half a century, the world has shown me that nothing better comes. And, if it does, it doesn't last very long. How does one believe when faced with so much evidence that is contrary to what I'm being told to believe?

I ask myself this same question. I have been having a hard couple of years and I know it won’t get better until I look for better things. My happiness is my choice but it’s hard to see that sometimes.

[NeedHaldol]

You have to work on making your life better, work on making the pathway for a better life for yourself.


Take stock in what is positive around you and dive deep into those things.

I hope I am not being preachy, but this what I finally did.

That was 20+ years ago and now my life is really good.

Originally Posted by NeedHaldol

You have to work on making your life better, work on making the pathway for a better life for yourself.


Take stock in what is positive around you and dive deep into those things.

I hope I am not being preachy, but this what I finally did.

That was 20+ years ago and now my life is really good.

I totally agree.

[CepheidVariable]

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm at the half-century mark too and have not experienced any of my extremely tiny dreams -- things that many people take for granted. Most people would call them basic human psychological needs. In that sense, it has not gotten "better". Although it has recovered recently from even worse.

At this point, I am glad to accept any degree of better in the hope that will give me strength to do better still in turn. And to be any less bloody miserable in the short term. I toil away at it and I try to be as kind to myself as I can.

In that sense, it got better. Something a little better came along. Hardest thing I've ever done in the face of what felt like a lifetime of failure (including the failure of professional help). And I'm still nowhere near done. But I feel stronger and my suffering is less.

So, for me, one thing that's helped is not constantly dwelling on where I would like to be and what I've never had. The big picture stuff is too overwhelming. I went back to just trying to get through the day. Then be a little less miserable. Then trying to find some small pleasures in life by doing things. Break it down into manageable pieces and focus on the task at hand.

Sorry, I can't give better advice without knowing more about what you are struggling with. I guess I would generally recommend that if you have been in therapy and/or struggling with this for years, you may be trying to bite off more than you can chew at once. The big fixes didn't work for me. All that's helped is an accumulation of little things. Frustrating at times. But at least it has helped when none of the grand theories did.

I guess ... you don't have to believe -- do it anyways. Control whatever it is within your power to control no matter how seemingly small. You deserve better.

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm at the half-century mark too and have not experienced any of my extremely tiny dreams -- things that many people take for granted. Most people would call them basic human psychological needs. In that sense, it has not gotten "better". Although it has recovered recently from even worse.

At this point, I am glad to accept any degree of better in the hope that will give me strength to do better still in turn. And to be any less bloody miserable in the short term. I toil away at it and I try to be as kind to myself as I can.

In that sense, it got better. Something a little better came along. Hardest thing I've ever done in the face of what felt like a lifetime of failure (including the failure of professional help). And I'm still nowhere near done. But I feel stronger and my suffering is less.

So, for me, one thing that's helped is not constantly dwelling on where I would like to be and what I've never had. The big picture stuff is too overwhelming. I went back to just trying to get through the day. Then be a little less miserable. Then trying to find some small pleasures in life by doing things. Break it down into manageable pieces and focus on the task at hand.

Sorry, I can't give better advice without knowing more about what you are struggling with. I guess I would generally recommend that if you have been in therapy and/or struggling with this for years, you may be trying to bite off more than you can chew at once. The big fixes didn't work for me. All that's helped is an accumulation of little things. Frustrating at times. But at least it has helped when none of the grand theories did.

I guess ... you don't have to believe -- do it anyways. Control whatever it is within your power to control no matter how seemingly small. You deserve better.

I know exactly what you mean about extremely tiny dreams that were never fulfilled. I never expected to feel this way at this age. I guess I always assumed the tiny dreams would happen and now that I realize they won’t I have to do the work of accepting that.

[NeedHaldol]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

I toil away at it and I try to be as kind to myself as I can. And I'm still nowhere near done. But I feel stronger and my suffering is less.

So, for me, one thing that's helped is not constantly dwelling on where I would like to be and what I've never had. The big picture stuff is too overwhelming. I went back to just trying to get through the day. Then be a little less miserable. Then trying to find some small pleasures in life by doing things. Break it down into manageable pieces and focus on the task at hand.

Control whatever it is within your power to control no matter how seemingly small. You deserve better.

Yes.

Small tasks, small improvements.

It could be as simple as moving something in your home to a new space to get a different feeling in your space.

Remember - "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step"

You can do it.

[Silk Chaos]

Yes, I've been in therapy for a few years now, and I'm on meds. I've been working very hard for many years to find an answer that actually plays out.

I struggle with whether or not my situation and history actually matters at this point. Things are what they are and there is no changing them. I try to not worry about that which I cannot control.

Statements like "happiness is a choice" perplex me. For me, it isn't. I don't have a choice in the matter. Life happens, you die, end of story. What happens in between is really of no consequence that I can find. Saying that I can make a choice and somehow make the outcome different is a fallacy that has no basis in reality.

Even without looking at the finality of it all, for me to believe would require me to know what happiness is. I don't. I can't remember a time in my life when I did. Sure, there have been times when the world is less sucky than others, but those are so fleeting that I can't classify them as happiness.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Silk Chaos We can control what happens in our lives only up to a certain extent. However, what we can control are also our reactions to things. Even though we may feel discouraged or sad to certain events, we can still change our thought process and try to make it a little bit more positive. It's a lot of hard work, but it can be done. Please don't give up. All the others have already given great, wise advice so I won't repeat it too much. Take all the time you need. Just try to take one step at the time. Take baby steps. Try to do your best in life like you're already doing. That's all you can do. Remember that you and your life ALWAYS matters, no matter what your mind tells you. You deserve to live a good, fulfilling life just like everyone else does. Please don't give up. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Silk Chaos. You're a strong, wonderful person

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Silk Chaos

Yes, I've been in therapy for a few years now, and I'm on meds. I've been working very hard for many years to find an answer that actually plays out.

I struggle with whether or not my situation and history actually matters at this point. Things are what they are and there is no changing them. I try to not worry about that which I cannot control.

Statements like "happiness is a choice" perplex me. For me, it isn't. I don't have a choice in the matter. Life happens, you die, end of story. What happens in between is really of no consequence that I can find. Saying that I can make a choice and somehow make the outcome different is a fallacy that has no basis in reality.

Even without looking at the finality of it all, for me to believe would require me to know what happiness is. I don't. I can't remember a time in my life when I did. Sure, there have been times when the world is less sucky than others, but those are so fleeting that I can't classify them as happiness.

Thanks for responding.

It sounds really rough. I don't know if any of this helps, but a few thoughts ...

Yes, in the end we all die and that's all she wrote. But I think the consequence is how we feel and what we experience while we are alive.

In the past, I have placed too much emphasis on some widely accepted truisms. "Happiness is a choice" is a hugely popular one. It sounds solid from a "re-framing" perspective and it helps a lot of people. But *none* of these statements are absolute. Happiness is a choice -- except for those for which it is not. Some people have mental conditions or are otherwise in a place that prevent it from being something they are capable of acting upon at that time.

So, maybe it would help to not get hung up on statements like that if they aren't working for you? Try not to engage in absolutes so much? Don't beat yourself up or give up if it doesn't work.

If happy is too much of a leap, how about trying for calm/centered/neutral or just plain out of distress?

Frankly, I have more success with behavioral stuff. But I do keep at all of it.

It could also be despair and depression coloring your thoughts about your experiences. I hope that doesn't sound condescending. I'm speaking from experience. I could still think rationally -- but it was shifted to a different mindset. It was difficult to recall and appreciate the things that weren't so bad or even positive.

Again, I hope something in here might help a bit. I'm not trying to tell you how it is. I'm just putting out some things that might help you feel a little less awful.

[Silk Chaos]

I know that you're not trying to tell me what to do, how to think, etc. I also didn't find anything condescending in what you wrote.

Yes, I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I currently take Wellbutrin and Lexapro for it. I also take Adderall for my combined ADHD/ADD.

I practice mindfulness and gratitude meditations. I always look for the silver lining in every experience.

I just can't see anything getting any better, nor can I conceive of a future that is any different from my past. I work hard to change things, I just keep ending up in the same, ole place.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I know exactly what you mean about extremely tiny dreams that were never fulfilled. I never expected to feel this way at this age. I guess I always assumed the tiny dreams would happen and now that I realize they won’t I have to do the work of accepting that.

Thanks for sharing.

I knew I had problems as a child, but I thought they were surmountable problems. I was intelligent. I did fine in school. I lived in modern times, when things were recognized and help was supposedly available. I felt sad for older people who had had their lives go off the rails, but assumed I could manage with all the supposed advantages my generation had.

So it's sad and funny. As a child -- even though I had fears -- you never really believe it will be you.

And here I am. Working on accepting some things. And agonizingly fighting others that are still possible. Because the worst feeling was giving up for years. If none of it works out, I will have some solace in knowing I truly gave it everything I had. That I went down fighting. Like the poem says, "Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

If I accomplish nothing else in this life, I will still do two things:
1. I will have tried
2. I will *NOT* do to others what was done to me. I will not intentionally add to the misery.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Silk Chaos

I know that you're not trying to tell me what to do, how to think, etc. I also didn't find anything condescending in what you wrote.

Yes, I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I currently take Wellbutrin and Lexapro for it. I also take Adderall for my combined ADHD/ADD.

I practice mindfulness and gratitude meditations. I always look for the silver lining in every experience.

I just can't see anything getting any better, nor can I conceive of a future that is any different from my past. I work hard to change things, I just keep ending up in the same, ole place.

I hear you. I understand. And thank you.

I have to log out now, so I don't have time to respond right now. Sorry.

I hope your evening is peaceful enough.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Silk Chaos

"You have to believe that something better will come" is something that my counselor repeatedly tells me. I don't. For nearly half a century, the world has shown me that nothing better comes. And, if it does, it doesn't last very long. How does one believe when faced with so much evidence that is contrary to what I'm being told to believe?

Oh, do I know this feeling. I can sooo relate. My whole life was like that. One bad thing after another...

but I kept fighting and pushing through it all, believing in myself the whole time that I personally could overcome all the massive challenges that kept coming my way.

And trust me, it really was one thing after another after another, for years. So I can relate to the feeling you describe.

I finally caught a break in life, and it did happen, whereby things started to turn around and change. BUT it took fighting through. It took not giving up -- and mostly, not giving up on myself.

Anyways, I am just sayin'... things CAN change in life. But I understand your sentiments completely.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Silk Chaos

"You have to believe that something better will come" is something that my counselor repeatedly tells me. I don't. For nearly half a century, the world has shown me that nothing better comes. And, if it does, it doesn't last very long. How does one believe when faced with so much evidence that is contrary to what I'm being told to believe?

Volunteering and helping others will change that perspective. Because I am in AA I get that opportunity a lot. Whether its picking up someone from the rescue mission to take them to a meeting, the prison commitment I have, going to court with someone or just sponsoring. It is very hard to dwell on your own stuff when you are helping others. It is much easier to put your own pain into perspective when you are helping someone who has pain "worse" than yours.

[Silk Chaos]

I hear ya about the volunteering thing. Unfortunately, my day job requires me to deal with people who are far worse off than I am anyway. I love what I do. I love helping others.

One truly sad factor of all of this is that, on paper at least, I have a great life. I have people who love, care about, and support me. I have every material item that I want. I love my job. I'm pretty healthy all things considered. I could quit my job today and travel the world with a friend on her dime. I "should" be happy. I'm not though.

" things will get better"

you've been saying that for 15 ****ing years, where's the improvement because I certainly don't see it

I tend to switch my mind off to it now because it's crap

[Silk Chaos]

Huh? Things will get better? Meh.... Evidence dictates otherwise.

15 years? Nah, more like 45. Where's the improvement? That's what I'd like to know.

[saidso]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

Thanks for responding.

It sounds really rough. I don't know if any of this helps, but a few thoughts ...

Yes, in the end we all die and that's all she wrote. But I think the consequence is how we feel and what we experience while we are alive.

In the past, I have placed too much emphasis on some widely accepted truisms. "Happiness is a choice" is a hugely popular one. It sounds solid from a "re-framing" perspective and it helps a lot of people. But *none* of these statements are absolute. Happiness is a choice -- except for those for which it is not. Some people have mental conditions or are otherwise in a place that prevent it from being something they are capable of acting upon at that time.

So, maybe it would help to not get hung up on statements like that if they aren't working for you? Try not to engage in absolutes so much? Don't beat yourself up or give up if it doesn't work.

If happy is too much of a leap, how about trying for calm/centered/neutral or just plain out of distress?

Frankly, I have more success with behavioral stuff. But I do keep at all of it.

It could also be despair and depression coloring your thoughts about your experiences. I hope that doesn't sound condescending. I'm speaking from experience. I could still think rationally -- but it was shifted to a different mindset. It was difficult to recall and appreciate the things that weren't so bad or even positive.

Again, I hope something in here might help a bit. I'm not trying to tell you how it is. I'm just putting out some things that might help you feel a little less awful.

CepheidVariable - thank you for both your courageous posts. You make me feel as if I'm not alone in finding the courage to soldier through each day. Sometimes I want someone to find my work and courage beautiful, so I'm giving you the appreciation I would like in my own life. One thing that resonates for me in your posts is that you are working in the real detailed stuff, and avoiding your mind tripping you up into black and white extremes. KUDOS & GRATITUDE & WALKING SIDE BY SIDE WITH YOU THIS MORNING.

[saidso]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Volunteering and helping others will change that perspective. Because I am in AA I get that opportunity a lot. Whether its picking up someone from the rescue mission to take them to a meeting, the prison commitment I have, going to court with someone or just sponsoring. It is very hard to dwell on your own stuff when you are helping others. It is much easier to put your own pain into perspective when you are helping someone who has pain "worse" than yours.

I gratefully used an AA model from a book for healing trauma. It was all that I had at the time and has helped a lot. I need something like your volunteer/peer engagement, but haven't found a good place to get involved. My family of origin problems were poverty and definitely not alcohol + I grew up in a wine-growing area so drinking wine is part of social sharing in my culture (usually new low alcohol and def not to get drunk). I've needed to find a peer to peer support: don't want to volunteer for a big NGO. Your recent posts about this remind me to keep looking.

[saidso]

Originally Posted by Silk Chaos

I hear ya about the volunteering thing. Unfortunately, my day job requires me to deal with people who are far worse off than I am anyway. I love what I do. I love helping others.

One truly sad factor of all of this is that, on paper at least, I have a great life. I have people who love, care about, and support me. I have every material item that I want. I love my job. I'm pretty healthy all things considered. I could quit my job today and travel the world with a friend on her dime. I "should" be happy. I'm not though.

Silk Chaos: does it help how you feel - at all - to be able to chat with these people who care and have been through similar? Not saying it should help, but wondering whether there is anything inside you that wants to feel comforted/ or that could feel comforted?

***************************************************************
If you suffer from depression, than perhaps that underlying challenge doesn't change any more than my PTSD changes. If I was born blind it might be the same. I can't live my dreams. But, say, 5 out of 7 days in my week give me enough buzz not to be eaten up by the negatives.

***************************************************************
If a counsellor told me "you have to..." that would be unproductive for me! If someone wants to help me, they need to give space for me to notice what works for me personally; I need old warriors to strengthen my sense of responsibility, not "you have to..." Grrrrrh.

Originally Posted by Silk Chaos

Huh? Things will get better? Meh.... Evidence dictates otherwise.

15 years? Nah, more like 45. Where's the improvement? That's what I'd like to know.

I hope, for my sake, that I don't live for 45 years.

I can't imagine myself at an age where I'm late 40's/ early 50's, and thinking.. well people are still telling me what they told me as a teenager, but **** all's improved

a lot of people are also of the opinion well, you have to be the improvement you want to see, hmm, maybe to a point, but their's a lot more than that

[Silk Chaos]

Originally Posted by saidso

Silk Chaos: does it help how you feel - at all - to be able to chat with these people who care and have been through similar? Not saying it should help, but wondering whether there is anything inside you that wants to feel comforted/ or that could feel comforted?

To an extent, yes, it helps. It is a way to release the frustrations in a healthy manner and receive validation because they know what I go through.

I have comorbidity between C-PTSD, combined ADHD/ADD, and severe depression.

The reason that she told me that I have to believe is because if I can't believe that continuing treatment will make a difference, there is no reason to continue.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by saidso

CepheidVariable - thank you for both your courageous posts. You make me feel as if I'm not alone in finding the courage to soldier through each day. Sometimes I want someone to find my work and courage beautiful, so I'm giving you the appreciation I would like in my own life. One thing that resonates for me in your posts is that you are working in the real detailed stuff, and avoiding your mind tripping you up into black and white extremes. KUDOS & GRATITUDE & WALKING SIDE BY SIDE WITH YOU THIS MORNING.

Thank you. It means a lot to hear this and know that I helped someone feel better.

Your work and courage *is* beautiful. Especially when it's an internal struggle against our own problems. The things and times that no one else will ever truly know in their entirety. Without any guarantees, and many days without any real belief. It says something about the potential of the human spirit for itself and others. I always thought of it as admirable. But it is beautiful too.

And thank you for your kind words about me.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Silk Chaos

To an extent, yes, it helps. It is a way to release the frustrations in a healthy manner and receive validation because they know what I go through.

I have comorbidity between C-PTSD, combined ADHD/ADD, and severe depression.

The reason that she told me that I have to believe is because if I can't believe that continuing treatment will make a difference, there is no reason to continue.

I went through a lot of unhelpful therapy -- for years. So if it doesn't seem to be working, I would suggest to keep trying different approaches and therapists. But, unless it's making things worse, you might want to keep going to the person you are with until you find something better so at least things don't deteriorate.

I'm glad to hear you are finding the forums somewhat helpful. And maybe you will pick up some ideas here. I finally started trying some, for me, unlikely things because at that point I had little to lose. Frankly, other than being miserable, what else was I going to be doing with my time?

I hope you are finding today at least tolerable.

But feel free to complain, if you don't.