Beating Myself Up Again

I want to change the negative messages I keep telling myself. I want to reprogram my mind so that I stop beating myself up. It’s destructive and I’m hurting myself. It’s no different than alcoholism or drug abuse or any other kind of abuse. It really hurts me it hurts the people around me.

I just now started my whole negative loop of berating myself for not being likeable or loveable and not being good enough. It comes out of nowhere. Right now, in this moment, I am fully believing this message and I won’t change it. Yes, I will reflect later and see the damage I’m doing and I will see that it’s simple to just come up with phrases to counteract the negative. But right now I am catching myself in the act of beating myself up and I just don’t put a stop to it, even though I know it’s not logical.

So I’m writing these thoughts now to interrupt this abusive process I put myself through. I don’t know what else to do because I just won’t stop beating myself up. I don’t want to do this anymore.

What triggered the negative self-talk?

When I beat myself up, it’s because something negative happened to me, which triggered my emotional reaction, which then makes me feel everyone hates me for my emotional reaction, then beating myself up for that.

I have developed this habit of randomly looking through people’s Facebook pages and beating myself up for not having friends and family like I am convinced everybody else has. In my irrational moments, I am convinced that everybody but me has loving friends and family. To me, success is not material things and money, it’s having friends and family. I tell myself I am a failure.

Then at work I feel isolated because I don’t make friends at work like ‘everyone else’ does. I tell myself I am an outcast.

None of this is logical but I just want to put all this out there and make myself just see it... and see it for what it is. It’s an ugly and hurtful way to treat myself.

I really believe that I am a bad and unloveable person. I really do. I really am genuinely surprised when people like me.

This is no way to live life. It’s not. I believe that I should appreciate life and appreciate the blessings in my life. Emotionally, I don’t act that way though. I can now see how much I hurt myself and also... I hurt others because of all this.

I’m sure that many do have truly loving friends and family. The struggles that brings me here, are of the same nature; not having truly loving friends and family. The facebook photos seem so beautiful and the image of the impression, but no one knows the shyt that just went done before the smiling photo was snapped!

Can it be truly loving friends and family are seriously lacking in reality in today’s society as a whole?

Lol. I had to laugh at that about the “shyte that went down before the photos.” I have no tolerance for the shyte. Hehe.

I talked to myself all the way to work. I tried to reason with myself logically about all this nonsense. I truly want to stop this behavior pattern. I can’t be perfect but I try to be perfect and then I beat myself up. Next I’ll be hard on myself for trying to be perfect....

More than one way to look at everything--it can really make you feel tired sometimes. Maybe you are just thinking too hard.

I don't know if I can help, but I do that to myself also. The past two relationships ended with the women telling me at length what a horrible person I am because they kept inventories. Any slight I had done over the past five years.. boom. Never forgiven, never forgotten. My mom did that also. Not to me, but she sure knew when this person did her wrong or that one. So, I have internalized it to at least some degree that I am a horrible person. My higher brain knows I'm not, but it's hard to convince the rest of me that is the case. So I tend to shy away from trying to find anyone else, telling myself why bother? I want to fix that, it's why I am here.

I’m very sorry you were treated that way Sam. Women can be that way sometimes. I am worried maybe I have been that way too and I work so very hard to be positive and kind as much as I can. I hope you find someone better suited for you who lifts you up instead of stomping on you.

Oh my. I am Linus. It does make me tired. I never stop thinking.

I am sometimes mean to myself too, but I am trying to treat myself like a good friend. I don't call my friends stupid or any other names. So why should I talk that way about myself? It's one way to reframe things.

That’s a good point. I wouldn’t talk to other people the way I talk to myself.

I was doing that this weekend over something I shouldn't have.

Maybe it’s more common than I thought.

Society has a tendency to encourage self criticism in trying to create some kind of perfect ideal.

No one is perfect, I've studied enough human behavior to know the majority is way more ****ed up than me. Greedy, closed minded, easily manipulated, bunch of followers, unable to change their perspective, etc. I make my own assessments and judge everything for myself.

I'm a leader and because I dont like anyone personally my judgement is totally based on who's the best and I'll get rid of the non productive people.

Most people have no idea what bipolar is and neither does pych docs since they're diagnosing everything bipolar, but now theres many other levels of bipolar. Yes you definitely sound like you have SOME traits of bipolar, the mental health society now has bipolar 4. Funny, whatever to push more meds on people that doesn't needs it. It's like ADHD /ADD all over again during the 90s. Here's some Ritalin for you and you and look this is my Bentley, thank you very much.

A dept head fired a guy for having a short temper and always being a ****. When they fired him his direct manager said, "i was so tired of dealing with that bipolar asshole". He wasn't bipolar, just a total asshole. I can easily spot someone that's manic vs someone just on cocaine.

I grew up hanging out with the gay community, not because I was gay but because I knew I was different and enjoyed being around them over the "normal" people. Many of my friends told me they wished they weren't gay. I too wished I didnt feel different than everyone else. Now they have large gay communities and pride parades. Maybe one day they'll have a bipolar parade and a bipolar communities where we can hang out and laugh at all the stupid people that have nothing better to do than judge and think their better than me. Jokes on them, I have a 4br house in San Diego with 4 BMWs. If you're different, society thinks you're broken and eventually you'll start believing it too. I'm no longer depressed because I'm not negative about who I'm, a strong driven Business executive.

Typing on a forum doesn't do it for me especially when most arent like me at all. Bipolar 1, my life is one big act where i have to hide who i am. Saying I'm bipolar could destroy my career and my pursuit of going from #3 to #1 CEO which is my goal in 2 years. Also I can't let anyone know because if you're bipolar you're, unreasonable, unreliable, stupid, a loose cannon, not able to make good judgments, and incapable of holding such a high title with all the responsibilities that comes with it.

Don't try to be something you're not because it's already setting you up for failure. No meds can cure being bipolar, that's just who and what we are. Meds can help with depression, anxiety, headaches, upset stomach, and diarrhea.

I'm always manic at work so no one things of me as broken but all dept heads comes to me when they have an issue they can't figure out. Everyone wants to be my friend but thankfully because of my position and being vegan no one asks me to hang out with them. Would you ask an executive to join you for dinner? No. It works great for me because I'm drained putting on the act all day. And to get out of having lunch with other dept heads, executives, and the CEO is because I'm vegan and have a peanut allergy, so I bring my own food. I'll just work non stop and take on more projects than anyone else but I have 4 personal assistants to help. When they say bipolar people take on too much they can't handle is only true if you don't have 4 personal assistants. LOL. Even if I didn't I have no problem working 80 to 90hrs a week if needed. I can easily work on several projects at once and have 3 computers that I'm running all different types of work, talking on the phone with other office staff, training my assistants on new projects that will increase company productivity which will increase profitability.

Money doesn't make me happy but it's very comfortable going from point A to B in my nice cars. Driving assist, music, and a massage is great in traffic. Yes cars does all that and more. But only if you have lots of this printed paper that people will do practically anything for.

This is true

People will definitely do anything for money. It’s crazy. I don’t know how you keep up with all those work hours. My anxiety would be too high and I would be exhausted. It sounds like you know exactly what you want in life and what makes you happy. That’s good. Maybe that’s why I’m so hard on myself... Maybe I’m feeling discontent versus thankful...

Ah,Sisabel,I have just the medicine for you,I hope. When we are kids,we UNconsciously
TRANSFER behaviours/words/feelings/etc.,from our parents to ourselves,thennn,we think
that they originated from US! We blame ourselves for having our PARENTS negativity which
we TRANSFERRED so long ago to ourselves. Those put-downs,criticisms,etc.,don't even
BELONG to you!
Respectfully,
BLUEDOVE

Sissy, I’m just going to jot down a couple of quick thoughts because I’ve got to go out to dinner. But.....

I can relate. I, probably like you, am overly sensitive and an introvert. Our society does not admire these things and will bombard you with its disapproval from all sides. So it’s doubly hard when you try to think well of yourself

What has finally helped me is to accept that that is how I am and I wont basically change, and then make a real effort not to think about these things any more. When the self-critical thoughts start to kick in, stop them. No one else can do this for you. I use an image of shioving them down a garbage shute before they can get into my head and start doing damage to the spirit within

Eckhart Tolle says “DON’T THINK!” I believe he’s right.

This makes so much sense BlueDove. I do remember thinking thoughts like this at a very, very young age. I felt unloved. I always noticed when other kids were loved or weren’t loved. This is a legacy passed down to me through the generations. Thank you for teaching me to step back and look at the big picture.

Yes, I am a sensitive introvert who thinks way too much. Thank you for that visual reminder. You’re right. This is something I have to try very hard to change. This evening as I picked up doggie poop from the yard... I tried to throw the negative thoughts out with the poop.

I’ve been reading a book on Mind Hacking. I’m learning some good tips on how to change the thought loops in my head. This is doable. It’s a lot of work. But doable.

I wish you well in all efforts to think happier thoughts, Sisabel. You often read in the therapeutic literature that feelings follow thoughts.

Personally I've had the best luck with trying not to think at all! (lol) (Naturally there will be exceptions, as sometimes you'll have to think your way through logistical situations, and of course you're going to have feelings, which you pretty much can't get rid of other than to distract yourself. You end up having to abide with them much of the time, uncomfortable though they may be.

I work between and around these challenges myself, every day, every hour, every minute. I wish us both well in trying to heal from the constant messages that we're of little value.

I highly recommend exploring the contents of these two books (if you haven't previously):

* 'The Power Of Now' (E. Tolle)
* 'The Untethered Soul' (M. Singer)

Do you know the expression - "You are your own worst enemy"?

Well I think it's more appropriately said - "Your physical mind can be your own worst enemy"

You ultimately exist as something which supersedes (transcends) the activity of your physical mind (brain) - which is merely a part of the temporary physical body...

The key is to move in the direction of gradually detaching from and letting go of (relinquishing) one's former & strong conscious identification with activity and influence of the physical mind (brain)... This also entails/requires gradually expanding one's state of awareness and manner of perceiving... This expansion of awareness goes hand-in-hand with a lessening of conscious identification with the physical body, physical mind, physical identity.... One's suffering will lessen and decrease as this process is unfolding...

Also, it helps to come up with some kind of 'mental trick' that you can employ when you find your physical mind acting up, misbehaving, and running wild (in a way that negatively affects you).... Something you can think of or connect with which interupts your mind activity and enables you to pull back (away from it) and disengage (withdraw conscious energy from it)... Preferably something that lightens the mood, or adds a bit of humor to the circumstances... Years back when I was still being hard on myself, I remember connecting with this scene from the movie Liar, Liar - and specifically the part where the other guy enters the bathroom and asks Jim Carrey what he's doing and he responds, "I'm kickin' my xxx!- do you mind!" - and this would lighten my mental state and make me grin/chuckle because that was, in essence, exactly what I was doing to myself (mentally)...





~WOLF