[KD1980]

If you managed to develop thicker skin and stopped letting mean comments and rude people get to you, how did you accomplish that?

[MrsA]

I'm still working on it. Insults from my family still get me down, but in the past year I try to see verbal attacks as symptoms of someone elses mental problems.

The mean things people say about you usually reflect how they really think about themselves. Knowing that still doesn't let mean comments roll off my back easily, but I can pity mean people a bit and remind myself that their saying something doesn't make it true.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by KD1980

If you managed to develop thicker skin and stopped letting mean comments and rude people get to you, how did you accomplish that?

The only technique I have ever used that worked at least in part was to walk away.

I do not think bullies and abusers change. They just move on to fresh victims.

However, that said, I am now going to repay the trash I get with a "wow, that was trash" response. Oh, not in the same vein, not at all, I won't allow a devil in a meat suit to force me to their subterranean level. But the next time someone (and here I am thinking of situations at work and in my personal life offline) pulls something abusive or says something rude and low class, I'm going to respond with "I don't put up with abuse" or "I'm not interested in your low-class filthy comment" or whatever suits the occasion.

Here is why. Every abuser and bully I have ever had the misfortune to encounter demanded a response. Not responding, which is what I was taught to do, always elicited an escalation of their filth. No abuser or bully will ever give brownie points for maintaining my calm or remaining polite. They will see me as a weakling and deserving of crud treatment and they will pile it on. The reality is bullies and abusers are weak, cheap, lazy people and they prefer targeting the sure thing; just as the weakest of thugs target frail elderly people. Of course someone trying to rise above the societal mud isn't frail or a weakling--but the fact remains that low people view it as such, and they act accordingly.

There is another reason why staying silent or remaining polite and not addressing the egregious behavior of a crass, rude, boor or an abusive bum, or a bullying coworker does not work. At the point where these creeps pull out all the stops and you finally react -- sometimes hysterically -- they get their payoff and at the same time any bystanders will ONLY see what you have said/done...and why is that?? Because they will have no history of the abuse this creep has piled onto you: "I don't know why Tom went off like that--he's never said **** bothered him...although I did hear from Harry that **** said Tom is rotten to him when no one is around..." <yes, abusers and bullies are both covert and overt> You will come out the loser and I guarantee you **** will do one of two things (or both): continue to abuse you or continue to tell people how you are covertly abusing him. **** may also select a new victim to start his sick process all over again--in fact every bully and abuser I have ever known has more than one victim at a time; just the degree differs.

So from now on, I'm going to employ these techniques: I will still select walking away as the most convenient option for myself under certain circumstances: Some drunken jerk on the street says, "Yer ugly, gimme some money!" I'll neatly sidestep and keep on walking.

But when a dinner guest next says to me: "Yeah, I laughed at you when you made that mistake" I will reply: "That's low behavior. I don't put up with insults. You're insulting."

'But they might just continue to laugh at you', you might be thinking. Of course. Bullies gonna bully and abusers gonna abuse. But they won't be doing it ignorant of what I think of their trash behavior. And when I prove my point by then getting up and walking away, that will be the punctuation.

You have to decide what you are going to put up with; and why; and proceed accordingly. That is what I am going to do.

[TishaBuv]

It depends how thick is your skin.

The comments that get under mine are the ones that are based on my vulnerabilities, that cut to the core, that completely demean my character, that give me no good options and are said to make me feel bad about myself and hopeless.

It also depends on from whom the comment came. If it was someone who supposedly cares for me or from a professional I went to for help, then I will let it get to me. I obsessively ruminate over it. I don’t believe someone who truly cares for you would EVER say such an insulting, disparaging comment. So they are phoney liars with their professed affection and are truly haters in disguise. That’s why it bothers me. Plus, I reflect as to whether it is true and I am truly as bad as they say.

After these people have shown their true colors and hurt me, I keep away from them. I don’t feed them ammunition to use against me. I don’t ever trust them again. If I am truly not that bad person they paint me to be (which I am sure I am not), then I won’t set myself up to let them hurt me again. I have just gotten up and walked out now. Nothing comes of it. The person doesn’t care that I walked out. They don’t really care about me.

As for regular folks in the street who might say something obnoxious (which has hardly ever happened to me, if at all), I would just think they were POS and walk away. They don’t even deserve a response, just get to safety.

[bpcyclist]

I just try to remind myself that what other people think of me is actually not any of my business and carry on with my life. I actually don't really give a sh** what other people think. I'm too busy trying to stay alive.

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs to all...

I have good days and bad days with how well I deal with rude and mean people in my life. I've noticed that even if I assert myself or advocate for myself, that doesn't guarantee the person who was rude to me will even care or respect my feelings. I notice it the most while temping. Temps are treated the same way that substitute teachers are treated -- no respect whatsoever.

[Mountaindewed]

I ask them why are they asking me that. Or why they want to know. It makes them stutter and look like a complete idiot and they don’t know what to say because they know they were being rude by asking stuff that’s none of their business. Bring the topic back to them and they will leave you alone. Also there were a few people at work who’d make comments but they would make comments about everyone. I’d just laugh them off. Work is way different then when I started though and now all those people are gone.

[MrsA]

I just figured out this week that someone who kept insulting me on a specific area of my life was just jealous to and insecure about thst same thing in themselves. I think its probably reasonable to assume that insults reveal people's weaknesses and obsessive self doubt.

Like if someone didn't feel they were smart enough, they would be constantly assessing the intelligence of everyone around them and saying disparaging things to reassure themselves. I also noticed that a person in my family would keep pointing out that famous actresses were "fat" even though the actresses were all thinner than them. Whoever insults you are probably just trying to reassure themselves that they are good enough in some way.

@MrsA you just reminded me of a traumatic experience I had as an adult with a bully. When I was hit by a truck and hospitalized, this gal in my drum circle (I was our 'gig booker' at the time, so I marketed us everywhere to get paid gigs) told everyone that I tried to kill myself (a total lie, this mobility van ran through a 4-way intersection and ran me over, somehow, I lived).

Then, when my drum group brought their drums to my hospital room to drum for me, she refused to go, saying that she felt they were falling for my 'act.' It got worse from there. After I was done with inpatient rehab, and did outpatient rehab (cognitive activities, walk-swimming, etc.), different people in the drum circle would carpool me to the drum circle practice nights.

My first night back at the drum circle, the only seat open was next to this horrible woman. As I sat down, she snarled at me, "I didn't know you could still drum." Trying to invalidate me already. Then, when one of the drummers had a dinner/movie night at their house and I was invited, the bully and two of her lackeys brought over a VHS tape they rented for that night, Regarding Henry and showed it to me, and the bully pointed to me laughing and said, "She's 'Henry."

I wonder to this day, what my TBI accident triggered in her. What could she have been jealous or insecure about with me? Because I booked our drum circle's gigs? Because the drum instructor let me co-teach a class with him for a semester? Because I participated in a medical study on the effects of drumming on TBI patients?

I'll never forget how mean she was to me, esp. since I was not fully recovered from my TBI at that point. I couldn't drive. I couldn't do anything without help for about a year afterward. My body couldn't regulate its own temperature for months, I was on all sorts of anti-seizure meds and pain meds and stuck living with a mentally ill, depressed, neglectful parent in an empty 3 story house, left to fend for myself. And the only good thing in my life at that time was my drum circle.

[MrsA]

@StreetcarBlanche What happened to you is terrible. Could that awful women be jealous of the attention you received when you were injured? It reminds me of a horrible counselor at my middle school. Once a girl tried to kill herself, and the counselor got our class together and said the girl only faked suicide to get attention so the entire class was forbidden to talk about the incident or give the girl any attention. I still hate that counselor for saying such ugly things.

Maybe that bullying women just couldn't stand to see everyone being concerned about you. It's a horrible lie to tell people you got run over on purpose. Could she be one of those people who try to draw attention back to herself whenever people are noticing someone else? That's the sort behavior I'd expect from the nasty girls in high school. I do think the bully must be pretty unhappy to say things like that. Someone who is happy and confident wouldn't go out of their way to attack and insult people.

Are you doing better these days?

@MrsA. Thank you. Yes. She probably was jealous of me. She definitely is the sort of person who gaslights and lies to draw attention back to herself when the attention is not on her. She is the type who uses her appearance and false compliments to manipulate other people. She love bombs people until she hooks them. She did not like the attention shown to me during my time in the hospital or how people in our drum circle showed me compassion and kindness during my recovery from my TBI that year. It's especially insulting because when we met, it was at a community center drum circle. We had become friends (or so I thought) before we joined the larger drum circle.

I babysat her daughter so she could go to counseling with her partner at the time. I hung out with her socially. So, for her to spread those vicious lies about me -- while I was first in an ICU with an occipital fracture, a portion of my scalp had to be stapled back on to my head, and I had swollen eyes due to the fluid in my brain from the TBI injury, and memory and speech and gait problems from the accident -- that I had intentionally rode my road bike into an oncoming mobility van to kill myself, and that I was faking my brain injury for attention.

This seemed vicious to me, especially since I had helped her out with her daughter and thought we were friends. Years later, do you know that she became a certified life coach? When I found that out, I couldn't believe it. A life coach! What the hell!

This happened 19 years ago. I am fine but worry that I will develop temporal lobe dementia as a result of the TBI. I worry that I will develop schizophrenia, or that I will have a stroke related to my TBI. I worry all the time about my brain.

Your school counselor at your middle school sounds like she was really misguided to bully your entire class into supporting her own personal, dysfunctional agenda against that suicidal student. I don't blame you for hating that counselor.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

@MrsA. Thank you. Yes. She probably was jealous of me. She definitely is the sort of person who gaslights and lies to draw attention back to herself when the attention is not on her. She is the type who uses her appearance and false compliments to manipulate other people. She love bombs people until she hooks them. She did not like the attention shown to me during my time in the hospital or how people in our drum circle showed me compassion and kindness during my recovery from my TBI that year. It's especially insulting because when we met, it was at a community center drum circle. We had become friends (or so I thought) before we joined the larger drum circle.

I babysat her daughter so she could go to counseling with her partner at the time. I hung out with her socially. So, for her to spread those vicious lies about me -- while I was first in an ICU with an occipital fracture, a portion of my scalp had to be stapled back on to my head, and I had swollen eyes due to the fluid in my brain from the TBI injury, and memory and speech and gait problems from the accident -- that I had intentionally rode my road bike into an oncoming mobility van to kill myself, and that I was faking my brain injury for attention.

This seemed vicious to me, especially since I had helped her out with her daughter and thought we were friends. Years later, do you know that she became a certified life coach? When I found that out, I couldn't believe it. A life coach! What the hell!

This happened 19 years ago. I am fine but worry that I will develop temporal lobe dementia as a result of the TBI. I worry that I will develop schizophrenia, or that I will have a stroke related to my TBI. I worry all the time about my brain.

Your school counselor at your middle school sounds like she was really misguided to bully your entire class into supporting her own personal, dysfunctional agenda against that suicidal student. I don't blame you for hating that counselor.

I am so sorry for this awful experience, Blanche--truly, I am. I don;t pretend to understand bullies. I was genetically encoded to reject them from childhood. I was one of 2 kids in school and high school who stood up to the jock-bullies who mocked the disabled kids--incredibly. A-holes. Since leaving HS, I have not been back for a single reunion, nor will I and have not spoken to any of those fools. Nor will I. Long story, but I did briefly encounter one of them about 10 years ago in a work capacity. He said something insulting. Had not changed one bit. Loser.

[MrsA]

@StreetcarBlanche it is disconcerting the way you started out as if you were good friends with that woman. I did have a childhood friend who started making occasional rude comnents because she somehow got the idea that my family was rich when we were not. And she would misinterpret random things I said as bragging about being rich and we stopped being good friends over time.

Maybe some people just get the idea that you are luckier then they are and they imagine things and start to hate and resent you for imaginary reasons. Like when you used to babysit for your friend, maybe she perceived you as being better off and resented that she needed your help. I think people have to be really jealous to take offense at someone's life events that don't negatively impact them. Like how my sister thought a casual compliment paid to me was deliberately mistreating her.

Normal people might. feel a little envy or jealousy, but they will know to either suppress expression of jealousy or use it as motivation to work hard to get what someone else has. I just read an article on narcissists projecting their own feelings on others. Maybe your bully was so insecure that when she felt jealous, she convinced herself that you were jealous and that you arranged an accident to make sure she didn't get any attention. I think the more unacceptable someone's feelings and motive are, the more desperate they are to attribute them to someone else.

Sometimes, I think people who falsely accuse others of things, simply do not have the imagination to realize that other people might be different from themselves. I think its a side effect of the empathy system in our brains where you think you know how someone is feeling based on knowing how you would feel in their situation. So if someone contrived to get attention from others, their brains are wired to think you would do the same.

@bpcyclist: Thanks. You are so luck you were able to stand-up to your school bullies the way that you did in high school. And way to stand up to that same bully from your high school, when your paths crossed at your workplace. Good for you. You are correct. Bullies never change. They are bullies for their whole lives, unless something happens to them that causes them to have a spiritual awakening or epiphany.

I haven't attended any of my high school reunions either. High school was not a fun experience for me. I ate my lunch in the school library, got locked inside my school locker a few times by the popular girls, and was nicknamed Mallory Keaton from Family Ties. I did get my revenge senior year.

We had an undercover cop a la Johnny Depp from 21 Jump Street investigating drug sales and pot smoking in our uppity Catholic high school. The undercover cop was glaringly older than us and sat behind me in French class. The popular girls were so dumb. I'd pass notes in French narking on who sold what to whom, during French class and at first the undercover cop pretended not to know why I was passing her those notes.

But she eventually broke down and came clean to me, after I told her I would go to the principal if she didn't come clean. I may have been 18, but I wasn't that naive. So, the popular girls got suspended and didn't get to graduate with our class. So, HAH! Mallory Keaton 1, Popular Girls, 0.

@MrsA: Yes, it shocked me. But she used my friendship and goodwill to her advantage during the years I knew her. She also had a penchance for friend-poaching. But, really, if they were easy to poach, they weren't good friends of mine to begin with.

She poached my roommate at the time I was in the hospital and convinced her to move out my furniture and belongings into my mother's house, and moved into my room instead. I found this out after-the-fact. She also poached my then-boyfriend (who broke up with me after I was transferred from the ICU to the rehab floor) for herself and dated him for a bit, before he dumped her and moved to NYC.

She was very attractive and quite socially adept so she knew how to manipulate people without them knowing it at first. I couldn't believe what she said to me the first night I came back to the drum circle, and then later referred to me as Harrison Ford's character Henry like that in FRONT of our drum circle (who btw were all cowards as they didn't intervene when she picked on me and we were all 30 + so it wasn't like we were 18 year olds). I can't believe she is a certified life coach. The irony of that just gets me.

[MrsA]

@StreetcarBlanche Yeah, it sounds like she wanted your life, your friends, your roomate, and your boyfriend. I'm surprised she didn't take your furniture and your mother as well. Maybe when we feel like a mess, our lives still good enough to excite envy. Did you by any chance say you wanted to be a life coach at some point?

I hope she's out of your life now. Are you still drumming?

Originally Posted by MrsA

@StreetcarBlanche Yeah, it sounds like she wanted your life, your friends, your roommate, and your boyfriend. I'm surprised she didn't take your furniture and your mother as well. Maybe when we feel like a mess, our lives still good enough to excite envy. Did you by any chance say you wanted to be a life coach at some point?

I hope she's out of your life now. Are you still drumming?

Well, she's always been very self-centered. Yes, she's out of my life because I cut ties with everyone in the group.

And, people have called her out on it and walked away, but not everyone. Our drum instructor had the hots for her, and everyone knew they had a little thing on the side.

She broke up his long-term relationship with his live-in girlfriend. Shortly after their affair started, the drum circle broke up. None of us could handle the way her behavior upset the group dynamics and "chi" of our circle.

We had established ourselves as a great little percussion group around my city performing everywhere. But, her behavior within the group upset the balance, so it disbanded after about 4 years.

Of course I still drum. I will never stop.